


After The Game

by alienat



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: F/M, Homophobia, M/M, Permanent Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-15
Updated: 2013-07-15
Packaged: 2017-12-20 04:10:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 62,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/882786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alienat/pseuds/alienat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared loves two things the most: soccer and Jensen. If he could just figure out a way to have both and be happy, he’d be the happiest guy in the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After The Game

**Author's Note:**

> Written for spn_j2_bigbang.

The sun is burning from a bright blue sky and Jared sighs, looking out of his office window. He loves his job, he really does, but right now he'd rather be somewhere else. Maybe even enjoy the sunshine and take a walk on the beach with Sadie. 

His knee twinges, reminding him that a walk on the beach right now would be a very bad idea. Jared sighs again, rubbing his fingers over the aching joint. 

But he wishes he'd at least told Sandy that he'd go to the picnic with her later this afternoon. It would ensure that he'd leave work on time and not stay here until the sun goes down again. 

Hermit. That's what Sandy calls him; has been calling him for years. 

And Jared knows she's right, at least a little. 

There had been a time when he loved going out, meeting friends and new people, partying with the best of them, laughing and drinking and actually having a social life. That, however, was a long time ago. Now he has Sandy, Jordan and Sadie, and sometimes an email from Tom, who’s coaching in Germany somewhere, to keep him company on the lonely weekends. 

His knee hurts when he stretches the leg and reminds him why that is. 

It's been ten years and his knee has gotten better; better than maybe even his physical therapist thought it would get. But he's still very much reliant on his cane; the days where he leaves it at home can be counted on one hand. 

So yeah, there's a reason why he doesn't go out. He hates the pity he sees in other people's eyes and it's even worse when they recognize him. 

The great Jared Padalecki diminished to a cripple with a cane. 

That's why he loves teaching. Yes, he's standing a lot and it puts a big strain on his leg, but at least his students are here to hear him talk about writing and English lit, not because they want the sensational story behind his broken leg. 

Jared reaches for the cane and gets up. He hobbles over to the window, looking out over the campus of UCLA. It's quiet, or as quiet as UCLA will ever get during summer sessions. But summer courses have started in some departments or are about to start in others, so there are some students sitting beneath the trees outside or walking over to Powell Library. 

That's why Jared's at work too. His creative writing course will start in a couple of days and he still needs to prepare some things. Also, he found out that it's actually better to offer office hours even before the course starts, because there's always one or two of his students that like to go in prepared. 

His creative writing course has always been really popular. Well, if he's honest all his lectures are pretty popular. He knows that in the beginning it had to do with the celebrity status his book and former career brought with them. But lately he likes to think it's because his lectures are actually interesting. 

If someone would have told him ten years ago that at forty he'd be an English Lit professor at UCLA, while teaching creative writing during the summer and in the evenings, he’d have declared them insane. But here he is; with his own office, his diplomas decorating the walls that aren't covered by bookshelves. 

He'd always had a knack for writing, for telling stories, and if he hadn't made it into pro soccer, he might have made a career out of this in the first place. But fate had other plans. Now, his book 'Soccer and Me' - which is a stupid title, to be honest, but it fits - has been the most discussed biography for years. 

Jared had honestly thought that the hype would die down pretty soon after the book hit the stands. But it didn't. And now it's referred to whenever someone even a little bit known to the public comes out. Some of them even mention that his book helped them, showed them that it could be done. 

Jared huffs out a laugh. Right. Of course it could be done. Question is, at what price? 

It was never meant to be the gay bible of coming out in the spotlight, may it be sports or something else. It was only ever meant to help Jared deal with the crappy cards life had dealt him and it had, even though he still doesn't like to think or talk about it. 

Besides, it’s practically the reason why he is where he is right now, and he likes where he is. 

There's a knock on the door and Jared smiles a little, knowing that at least one of his students would come and visit him. 

"Come in," he calls, walking back to his desk. 

He's not yet seated when the door opens and he stops dead in his tracks when he sees the young woman stepping into the room. She has long auburn hair that's pulled up in a messy bun with a few strands having fallen out, and is wearing jeans and a LA Galaxy t-shirt. He can see the freckles scattered all over her nose and cheeks, and he knows that when he looks into her eyes they'll be green. 

"Professor Padalecki?" 

Jared blinks, scolding himself internally for staring like a creep. "Yeah, hi," he says sheepishly. 

The girl smiles at him and it reminds him so much of Jensen's smile that he feels like he's been hit in his gut. He's seen pictures of her, but he wasn't prepared for how much she looks just like her father. 

"Why don't we sit down?" Jared mumbles, pointing to one of the chairs on the other side of the desk. 

She sits down. "Thanks. I'm," Jared wants to stop her, tell her that he knows exactly who she is, but that would be impolite, so he lets her finish. "Alex Ackles. I signed up for your summer course on creative writing." Jared frowns. Why didn't he see her name on the sign-up sheet? "Under my mother's name," she adds and Jared feels completely out of his depth now that it's clear that she knows he knows who she is. "People always get weird when they hear that my dad's Jensen Ackles. Besides Alex Ackles sounds dumb."

Jared huffs out a surprised laugh. He can't help smiling at her when he says, "Could always go by your second name."

She grins. "Dad told me that you picked it out."

Jared swallows, rubbing a hand over his face. He isn't prepared for this today. He doesn't think he'll ever be prepared for this. 

"Sorry, if I made you uncomfortable," Alex says. "Maybe we should start over." She gets up and Jared thinks she might leave, but then she holds out her hand for him to shake. "Hi, I'm Alex Harris. And I've signed up for your creative writing course. I'm starting UCLA this September and I've enrolled for some of your classes, so I thought it might be a good start."

Jared lets out a shaky breath and forces a smile. He can barely bring himself to focus but he's grateful that she's changed the subject and is not pushing the issue. "Well, it's nice to meet you Alex. What made you sign up for my course?"

She shrugs. "I've been writing my own stories since I was twelve. Writing always fascinated me and your book, even though it's a biography and not fiction, really inspired me. Your writing style captivated me," Alex continues. "I couldn't put it down; read it all in one day."

Jared clears his throat. "So, what do you write?"

Alex smiles; seeming to know that he's changing the subject. But instead of pushing, she just tells him about her poems and short stories she's written and who inspired her the most. She loves Edgar Allen Poe and Stephen King. She devoured all of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. 

Jared's heart grows heavy because the last time he saw her, Jensen had been reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone to her. If he thinks hard enough he can still remember her wide eyes full of childish curiosity of what will happen next. 

They keep talking about authors and books for a while, before Jared hands her a course plan for his course. 

"You can get a head start if you want to," he says. 

She grins at him. "Thanks. I will." Alex gets up, rubbing her hands over her jeans. Her smile is shy, when she says, "I should go. I took up enough of your time."

"Don't worry about it." Jared gets up, preparing to lead her outside. 

"I..." she folds the plan in her hands, biting her lip nervously and Jared raises his eyebrows questioningly. 

"What is it?"

"It was good seeing you again, Uncle Jay. I've missed you." Jared feels a lump building in his throat and he fumbles for something to say. "And I know Daddy misses you too. I'll see you on Thursday."

The door closes behind her before he can say anything, leaving him standing in the middle of the room with his heart beating frantically and his thoughts racing. 

"C'mon, Jay. Just do it!"

Jared slowly dribbles the ball towards where Jensen is standing, in between the two small stones that indicate their makeshift goal, taunting him. He grins. Jensen is a crap goalkeeper, but since neither Josh nor Jeff wanted to play with their little brothers, they have to make do like this. 

"Easy, Jen. Easy." 

He shifts the ball first to his right and then back and to the left again, his feet practically glued to the leather. He loves playing soccer, while Jeff prefers basketball or football, it's like Jared was born with a soccer ball attached to his feet. 

Aunt Stephanie gave him one for his third birthday and ever since, his parents practically have to force him away from the thing to eat and sleep. First Jensen had laughed about the gift. At five, he had wanted to be more like his big brother than anything else and Josh had just declared his love for football. But soon, he was chasing Jared and the ball through the house and the backyard, both joining the kids' team of FC Dallas when they were six and eight. 

Jared sniggers; thinking of all the things that got broken in the process, when they practiced newly learned moves at home. 

Best thing had been the ugly porcelain vase his mother used to have, and while his mom had been heartbroken when Jared kicked it off the sideboard, his father had thanked him that night and gave him an extra cookie. 

"What are you snickering at, Jay? Shoot already."

Jared rolls his eyes, but if Jensen really wants to pick the ball out of the net that much, he won't make him wait any longer. He dribbles the ball towards the goal, inwardly grinning at the wide stance Jensen has, and then, with intent, he shoots right through Jensen's legs; throwing his arms up in victory. 

"Goooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!" he screams, running through his parents' backyard, flailing his arms. "And the great Jared Padalecki scores again."

"Yeah, yeah," Jensen grumbles, picking the ball out of the bush behind him. "You’re gonna be the next Maradona."

"Damn right, I will." Jared beams at his best friend, bumping their shoulders together. "And you the next Lothar Matthaeus." Because while Jensen is crap as a goalkeeper, he is an awesome sweeper. "We're gonna win the World Cup."

Jensen rolls his eyes, pulling Jared into a headlock. "You're so silly."

"Jared! Jensen! Dinner is ready."

Jared's mom's voice cuts through their banter and Jared pulls free out of Jensen's grasp. "We're coming, Momma!"

They run towards the house and Jared chases Jensen up the stairs to the bathroom, pushing him away from the sink to be the first to wash his hands. 

"First!"

"You're such a dork."

Jared sticks out his tongue and ducks away from Jensen's fist, laughing. "Whoever is first at the dinner table gets the other's dessert."

He's already halfway down the stairs when he hears Jensen turn off the water. Jared cackles, skidding to a halt right in front of his chair at the dinner table and only shuts up when he notices his father's stern look. 

"What did we say about running in the house?"

He sighs. "We're not allowed to do it. Sorry."

Jeff grins smugly and Jared kicks out his feet under the table, which earns him a scolding look from his mother. Finally Jensen turns up and they say grace. Dinner is roast beef, mashed potatoes and veggies, and it's awesome as always, so Jared takes seconds. 

At the roll of Jensen's eyes, he says, "I'm a growing boy." And Jensen starts laughing. 

It's the weekend, so Jensen's allowed to sleep over, which is really not that much of a surprise, since it's either Jensen sleeping over at Jared's or Jared sleeping over at Jensen's place. That's just how good of friends they are. 

Bestest friends for ever and ever. 

Three weeks later, Jared and Jensen come back from soccer practice, only to find Jared’s mom sitting at the kitchen table looking sad. She's been looking sad for a while now, smiling less and being a lot quieter than Jared is used to. But she always says she's fine when Jared asks, so he hugs her a lot, hoping that this'll make her happy again. 

"Mom, can Jensen stay over?" Jared cocks his head, when she doesn't answer. "Momma?"

She blinks and finally looks at them. "Sorry, lost in thought. What were you asking, sweetie?"

"Can Jensen stay over?"

"Sorry, you two. Not tonight. Your father and I have something we want to tell you and your siblings."

A cold shiver runs down Jared's spine. "You're not getting a divorce, are you?" Linda's parents, a girl from his school, had just gotten divorced and they had forced her to decide where she wanted to stay. Jared doesn't want to decide, he wants his parents to be together.

His mom smiles softly and pulls him into a tight hug. "No, honey. We're not getting a divorce. We love each other."

Jared lets out a shaky breath. "Cool."

"Jensen, why don't you go pick up your things and we'll take you home, before picking up something from KFC?"

Jared's eyes grow wide. They only get KFC or McDonalds on special occasions, because his mom insists on them eating healthily. So this must be something big, whatever his parents want to tell them. 

Ten minutes later, Jensen climbs out of Jared's mom's Toyota, waving and making Jared promise that they'll meet up tomorrow afternoon again. They pick up a jumbo box of chicken wings, coleslaw and gravy, and Jared's mom even allows him to eat one of the wings in the car. 

Dad's home when they get back and he's watching some football game with Jeff, while Meggie colors in her coloring book. They eat and Jared is giddy for whatever they're gonna tell them. Maybe mom's pregnant again. He remembers when they told them about Meggie that they were having KFC as well. 

After dinner, his mom pulls Meggie on her lap and looks seriously at Jared and Jeff. "Your dad and I have to tell you something."

"Boys, you know how I'm part of the research team at Johnson Chemicals?" Jared nods. "Well, they offered me a great job, as head of a research team in one of their facilities." Jared grins. He's so proud of his dad, knows that he's one of the best. "It's in Germany, though."

It feels like the ground is opening and swallowing him whole. Germany? But that is so far away. 

"We know it's a lot to take in, but it's a huge opportunity for your dad. Your dad and I talked a lot about it and while it's gonna be a big change, we think it's doable."

"What about us?" Jeff asks. "I don't wanna move. I have my friends here, my school. Can't I stay with grandma?"

"No you can't, Jeff. This is not up for discussion," their dad says and Jeff storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him. 

Their mom looks sad and hurt at Jeff's reaction and Jared goes over to her, hugging her tight. He doesn't want to move either, he doesn't want to live somewhere where Jensen isn't his best friend anymore, but he doesn't want to see his mom so sad, either. 

"It's gonna be okay, Momma."

She smiles and kisses his temple. "So grown up, JT. I'm so proud of you. I love you."

"Love you too, Momma."

"I know it'll be hard to leave your friends behind, but you'll make new ones. And it's not like we can't come back and visit during the summer."

Jared smiles and nods. "Of course."

Later that night, when the house is silent, Jared climbs down the tree outside his window and runs over to Jensen's house, four blocks down the road. The windows are dark, but Jared knows exactly which one's Jensen’s and he throws some rocks against it, until Jensen's face appears behind the glass. 

"Jared?" he stage-whispers when he opens the window. "What are you doing here?"

"We're moving away."

"What?" Jensen shakes his head. "I'll come down."

A minute later the back door opens and Jensen steps out, joining Jared on the back steps, leading down to the yard. 

"What're you talking about?"

"Dad. He got this super important job. And it's in Germany. They told us tonight. We're moving."

Jensen's eyes grow wide. "But... when?"

Jared shrugs. "Soon, I guess." He looks over at Jensen. "You're my bestest friend, Jen. I don't wanna move. But Momma was so sad when Jeff told her that he didn't want to go with them."

"We're always gonna be best friends, Jay."

"Mom said we'd visit during the summer."

Jensen nods. "Maybe I can come visit you too." A smile appears on Jared's face. "Besides, everyone in Germany plays soccer. You'll love it."

Jared grins. "You're right!"

"Jared?" 

Jared cringes and turns around to see Aunt Donna standing in the doorway. "Hey."

She smiles sadly and shakes her head. "C'mon in, you two. You can stay here tonight. I'll call Sherry to let her know that you're okay."

"We're moving to Germany, Aunt Donna," Jared says and she nods. 

"I know; your mom talked to me about it."

"Aren't you sad, then?"

She smiles. "Very sad, but it's a great opportunity for your dad, Jared. And sometimes you have to make hard decisions. Besides, we can talk on the phone and write letters. It's not like we'll lose contact all together." She ruffles his hair. "And we'll visit. Now, up to bed with you two. I'll see you in the morning."

They climb the stairs and Jensen pulls out the guest mattress for Jared, before giving him a blanket. 

"I'm gonna write to you, Jen. Promise."

When Jensen answers, Jared can hear the smile in his voice. "Me too, Jay. Me too." 

Germany is different, very different. 

When they left Dallas, it was sunny and shaping up to be a warm day. When they arrive in Dusseldorf after sixteen hours and a stop in Amsterdam, the sky is gray and it is raining. The temperature’s barely over 30F°. 

It doesn't make Jared any more enthusiastic over the move. 

He doesn't even speak a word German. His parents have registered all three of them in an international school and he'll learn German there. But it still feels weird to know that he's the new kid. All the others have been together since the school year started last September. At least Jeff and Meggie will be there too, even if they're in different classes. 

The drive to their new home is quiet and doesn't take too much time. Everything's still gray and cold. The trees are still pretty much bare, but Jared can see that some are starting to bloom. 

He misses the sun and the warmth and Jensen. 

Their new house is the only thing that reminds him of home. It's about the same size as the old one and they have a backyard too. It's a little smaller, but still big enough for Jared to play some soccer. 

Jeff gets the biggest room, and Jared wonders if it's because his parents hope that he'll start speaking to them again. He's been seriously pissed off, ever since their parents told them about their decision a few weeks ago, and hasn't really said a word since they arrived in Germany. 

"The river Rhine is just behind those trees," his mom says, when Jared looks out of the window of his own room. The walls are white and bare, and there's only a bed, a desk and a drawer. "And I've been told that a couple of streets over there's a soccer pitch for you to play on."

Jared nods. Even the prospect of playing soccer can't bring him to be excited about this. 

"In a couple of days our furniture will be here and we can make this house into a home. What do you say, JT, you like that?" His mom sounds desperate and Jared forces a smile. 

"Sure."

"It pretty much sucks," Jared says quietly, just so that his mom won't hear him. 

They've been here for several weeks and even though their furniture came a couple of weeks ago the house still doesn't feel like home. The kids at school are okay and he's pretty good at learning German, but Jared still feels pretty much like a third wheel. 

"Sorry, Jay," Jensen mumbles. "Give it a little more time. It's only been a few weeks."

"I can't wait to come home. Mom's going to book the tickets this week."

"Cool. Can't wait to kick your ass at some Super Mario."

Jared grins. "You better practice real hard. I have nothing else but Super Mario and soccer keeping me occupied."

"Jay, you'll find some friends."

"Pff. Don't need any. I've got you," he says and he means it. 

"Aren't there some boys at school you can go and play soccer with?" Jensen asks, totally ignoring what Jared just said. 

"Most are stuck up losers. Think just because their parents have money they're better than others. There are one or two that are nice, but they're Jeff's age."

"That sucks. But you'll find someone you can play soccer and Super Mario with."

"Yeah, you, when I come home."

"Jared, tell Jensen goodbye," his mom calls. "The call's getting expensive and I wanna talk to Donna too."

Jared sighs. "Mom wants to talk to yours."

"Okay. Talk to you soon."

Jared nods and hmms. He hands the phone to his mother and goes into his room. It's raining outside, so walking down to the soccer field is not an option. So he starts skimming through the Bundesliga magazine that his father had bought him. He doesn't understand everything, but at least the statistics from last matchday are easy to understand. 

He hopes that time will pass quickly until they're flying to Texas. 

His mom, his brother and sister, and Jared fly back to Texas over the summer, while Jared's dad stays in Germany, working. He has a great time with Aunt Donna's BBQs, visiting Jensen's grandpa's ranch, and kicking Jensen's ass at Super Mario and soccer. 

The six weeks of summer holidays fly by like nothing and Jared has the feeling that he just arrived back home when he already has to board a plane back to Germany again.

Jeff voices his displeasure loudly, while Meggie clings to Aunt Donna's neck and doesn't want to let go. Jared's mom looks upset and sad, and Jared wonders why they have to go back when none of them seem to be happy about it. 

Why can't his dad work here? 

School is like it always is, okay, and Jared actually enjoys most of his classes. He hates art, but that might be because he can't seem to draw or paint to save his life. On Tuesdays and Thursdays he practices soccer in the sports club his parents signed him up for. Games and/or tournaments take place every second Saturday. The boys are all nice enough - even though none of them are Jensen - and Jan even invites him over for his birthday party.

Life gets better after that. 

When Jared's not at soccer practice, he meets with Jan, Daniel and Ramazan at the soccer field down the street. And when it gets too cold or it's raining cats and dogs, which still happens way too often in Jared's opinion, they'll meet at one of their homes to talk about the latest Bundesliga matchday. 

While Jared and Daniel both root for Bayern Munich - they are the best team after all - Jan's more fond of Borussia Dortmund and Ramazan likes 1. FC Cologne. The combination definitely makes things interesting. 

After Christmas, Jeff brings home his first girlfriend and proudly tells Jared that he even got to kiss her on the mouth. Jared shudders just thinking about that. Andrea is nice enough, but she uses way too much make-up in Jared's opinion. Her lips are always glossy red and sticky. 

Jared can definitely imagine something better than kissing Andrea on the mouth. 

But she seems to bring Jeff out of his sullen mood, so Jared definitely likes her for that. 

One day in January Jared realizes that the heavy atmosphere that had hung in the air ever since they moved here, has lifted. His mom is singing in the kitchen while making cookies. His dad is joking with Jeff and Andrea over some cartoon they’re watching, and Jared can't wait for the game his team is playing on Saturday. It hits him like a punch to the gut that he actually is happy here. Jensen told him to give it time, but Jared didn't really believe it. Now, though, he does like it here. 

It only gets better when his parents take him aside a couple of weeks later and tell him that his coach at the sports club suggested signing him up for one of the soccer schools they have in Germany, so he'll be able to play and practice a little more professionally. His parents had looked into some schools and there was one that Jared really, really, really likes. 

It's a boarding school, though, meaning he would live there the whole school year and only come home during holidays. But it sounds amazing, so his parents make an appointment and three days later, they're on their way to Bad Aibling. 

The DFI* is amazing and everything Jared had ever dreamed about. They offer special practice hours that are especially developed to enhance Jared's soccer play and he'll be able to practice in school and with a club in the neighborhood. On Saturdays there'll be matches against other clubs. 

"JT?" his mom asks when they're driving home. "What do you think?"

"I love it," he says excitedly. "It's awesome. Maybe I'll even get to join one of the big clubs. You think I'm good enough?"

"You're really good, Jared," his dad says, sounding very proud. "So I guess we'll sign you up then, huh?" 

Jared beams and nods. 

He's so excited that his mom even allows him to call Jensen that night. 

"Jen, you won't believe it. It's amazing. They offer practices just for me and we'll play for one of the clubs in the area. Dude, I... maybe I'll get to play for Bayern."

Jensen laughs. "So it's great, huh?"

"It's awesome." Jared pauses. "Wish you could come with me."

Jensen chuckles. "I'm good with FC Dallas. You're the next big thing. Hope you'll still remember me when you hit the big time."

It's Jared's time to laugh. "I'll invite you to my first game for the US team."

"I'll hold you to that." Jensen pauses. "I'm happy for you, Jay. Real happy."

"Hey, we're coming to Texas in July. Mom's going to book the tickets in a couple of days. So you can practice with me."

"You'll rock their world, Jared."

Jared's running, his lungs burning in his chest. The sun is beating down on him and his t-shirt is clinging to his sweaty chest. It's nice to just run, to push his limits further and further, without worrying that he’s pushed too far. 

He' has six weeks to relax, to kick up his feet and enjoy Aunt Donna's cooking. Jensen offered that Jared could use the practice facilities of FC Dallas if he wants to, so he won't be completely out of shape when he gets back to DFI after the summer. But mostly he just plans to relax.

The school year's been hard; teachers expecting very good grades and hard work to even let you play for the clubs in the neighborhood, and the matches throughout the year have taken a lot out of Jared. He loved it, loved getting to play for one of the junior teams of Bayern Munich, loved that the coach praised his technique and his speed. But right now he's just happy to fly to Texas tomorrow. 

Jensen promised him a road trip down to the Gulf for a couple of days after his birthday, which is next week, and Jared can't wait to spend some time alone with Jensen. He'll be starting college at the end of the summer and Jared knows that it'll mean new friends and new interests, and Jared will still be in Germany. Sometimes he wonders how they managed to still be best friends, even after seven years apart. 

At the end of the track Jared collapses in the grass, stretching his limbs. He waits for his breathing to return to normal and his heart rate to come down again. His muscles are burning and his legs hurt, but he feels good, great even. He grins stupidly up at the sun, feeling giddiness spread in his body. 

Tomorrow he'll be in Texas and Jensen will be there to pick him up. 

His mom and Megan already flew home a couple of weeks ago, since the holidays started earlier in North Rhine-Westphalia than here in Bavaria. But he'll meet them there and his dad will come over for a couple of weeks too, later this summer. 

Jeff moved back to the US after his graduation a year ago and is just finishing up his first year of college at Berkley. He's going on a trip with his friends and girlfriend, but has promised to stop by for a few days over Jared's birthday. 

"Hey asshole. I was wondering if I'd find you here." He feels a kick to his foot and holds up his hand against the sun to see Tom, his second best friend, looming over him. "Only you are crazy enough to practice when school is practically over and the last game was on Saturday."

Jared grins. "Fuck you."

Tom drops down next to him. "My parents just called. They'll be here in about an hour. Wanted to know if you want to come to dinner with us before we leave."

"Free food, as if I'd say no to that." Jared smirks gleefully at Tom, who just rolls his eyes and hits Jared's shoulder playfully. 

"Awesome."

Jared and Tom started DFI the same year and ended up sharing a room. Tom's originally from Stuttgart, so both of them stayed at school during the weekends, while the kids from close by mostly went home. They hit it off right from the start and Jared couldn’t imagine his life without him, even though he's not Jensen. 

"So, going home to the boyfriend, huh? You excited?"

Jared rolls his eyes. "Shut up. I'm not queer," he snaps a little more forcefully than he wanted to. 

Tom raises his hands in defense. "Sorry, I was just kidding. Man, what's got your panties in a twist? Jeez."

Jared shakes his head. "Nothing. Just... I'm not queer, okay?"

He doesn't think about how the sight of his chem teacher Mr. Neumann in his too tight t-shirts, displaying miles and miles of trained muscle, makes him feel. He really doesn't. It's just normal in an all-boys school. They clearly don't have enough girls to look at and he's a fifteen, almost sixteen, year-old boy. 

Tom nods. "Sure. And even if... you'd still be my best friend, Jay."

Jared swallows hard. The intense look Tom is shooting him makes his dick stir in his pants and something that feels like fire starts burning in his veins. Tom is good looking for all Jared's concerned, he’s never really looked, but right now the blue of Tom's eyes is so beautiful he feels like drowning in them. And damn, does he want to lean forward and kiss him. Not once did he think about kissing Tom before, but right now, he feels like he just has to taste or he'll die. 

"Hey losers, what's up?"

Jared jerks away and sees Mike making his way over to them. He shoots a quick look at Tom, wondering if he knew what Jared wanted to do just seconds ago, but Tom sits there, looking totally unfazed, and grins at Mike. 

"Jay, here, thought he’d put in another practice unit before leaving."

Mike snorts. "Nerd."

Jared rolls his eyes. "I'm gonna take a shower." He looks at Tom. "See you in our room?"

Tom nods. "Sure."

"See you in six weeks, jerk," he says to Mike, who just grins up at him. 

"See you, fucker."

Jared hurries across the training field over to the changing rooms and showers. Everything's empty. Tom, Mike and Jared being the last students to leave the school. He strips out of his shorts and t-shirt, his half-hard dick is in his hand even before he turns on the shower. 

Holy shit, he had wanted to kiss Tom.

Girls never really did it for him. But Jared had always put that down to the missed opportunities and his focus on sports. He wants to make it pro, so he has to train hard and study hard. There's really no time for girls or anything like that. 

Whenever he caught himself watching one of his fellow students or friends beneath the shower, he put it to down to normal appreciation between guys. He is man enough to watch other guys and appreciate that they're more muscular or have a broader back. It has nothing to do with him liking guys. Nothing. 

What if it does? What if it means...? He can't be gay, right? Sportsmen aren't gay, they are red-blooded males who kick each other's asses on a regular basis. If Jared was gay, he wouldn't like soccer, right? He'd like gossiping and fashion and... ballet, not getting dirty on the pitch.

But when he comes, he still imagines how Tom's lips would feel on his, and it's one of the best orgasms he’s ever had. 

Jensen is standing up high in the stand for FC Dallas Stadium, looking down at the pitch and Nate, their groundskeeper, who's keeping the lawn in perfect shape on his mowing machine. 

He's played for the team most of his life, joining with Jared when they were still kids. The club is his heart and everything he’s ever dreamed about. Josh always makes fun of him for playing soccer and not football or basketball. 

What will he say when Jensen shows him the document he's holding in his hands? What will he say when Jensen tells him that, at eighteen, he just signed his first pro contract. 

Hell, what will Jared say, when Jensen picks him up in a few hours?

Jensen has a hard time wrapping his head around it himself. He won't go to college at the end of the summer. Instead he'll start training with the pro team come tomorrow. He’s done that before, practiced with them, but now he's an official part of the team. He's a pro. 

One day, and he hopes it'll be soon, maybe while Jared is visiting, he'll be playing for the pro team of FC Dallas in an official game. He remembers him and Jared dreaming about those things when they were kids, and now he's actually doing it, living his dream. 

"Hey, kid. You still here?"

Jensen looks over his shoulder to see Coach Morgan making his way over to him. "Just couldn't believe that I'll be playing down there from now on, I guess."

Coach Morgan laughs. "You'll get used to it. I remember coming out onto the field for the first time. Best moment of my life, sports-wise I mean." He winks and Jensen grins. "But no moment like the first one will ever be as special."

Jensen nods, looking back out to the pitch. "Thanks for giving me the chance, Coach. I won't disappoint you."

"I know you won't. Now go home and celebrate. But not too much, I want you on the training field first thing in the morning."

"Sure thing." Jensen grins. "See you tomorrow, Coach."

He rushes down the steps, a look at the stadium clock telling him that he has an hour to get to the airport before Jared will arrive. 

Rush hour is horrible and he just barely makes it in time. The flight has already arrived when Jensen rushes into the arrival hall, but Jared's not out yet. He waits another twenty minutes before Jared, carrying a huge suitcase, walks through the sliding doors and Jensen almost has a heart attack. 

Jared grew up. He's not the lanky kid Jensen remembers from last year. No, he has broader shoulders and Jensen can see the muscles working beneath his white t-shirt. He got even taller too. The floppy hair falls into Jared's face when he finally notices Jensen and starts grinning like a loon. 

He waves frantically, pulling his suitcase after him, while he makes his way through the crowd. All of a sudden, Jensen has a hard time focusing on anything but Jared and the muscles bunching in his arms. 

Oh shit, this is bad. Really bad. 

Normally he has a good enough handle on his attraction to guys, but seeing Jared looking like this, makes Jensen's dick stir in his pants and something warm curl in his belly. His fingers itch to touch and he can barely keep himself from throwing his arms around Jared when his friend stops before him. 

But he doesn't have to, because Jared envelopes him in his stupidly long arms and hugs him hard. Jared smells like deodorant and a little bit of sweat, and it shouldn't be as hot as it is. It really shouldn't. 

"It's so good to be home," Jared says, when he eventually lets go of Jensen, and Jensen can't help but smile at the way Jared still calls Texas, Dallas, home. 

"Good to have you home. Let's get you home. Mom's waiting with her special BBQ for us."

"Awesome, I'm starving."

Jensen shoots a look at Jared and snorts. "Don't look like it, though. What the hell are they feeding you over there?"

Jared looks down at his body and grins when he looks up, only now seeming to realize that he's even taller than Jensen. "Only good things, like pasta and potatoes."

"Yeah, yeah, Sasquatch."

During the drive home, Jensen listens to Jared babble about Germany, soccer and school. It's nice to have his best friend right here, instead of thousands of miles away, meaning they can only email or talk on the phone. 

"And it was amazing, Jen. You should have seen it. Tom crossed it perfectly to me and I just had to kick it right into the net. Best one-two pass we've done so far."

"That sounds great, Jay. Wish I'd seen it."

"Next year we're gonna win the youth championship, I'm sure of it." Jared nods enthusiastically. "I mean between Tom and I, and Kevin as goalkeeper, we can't really lose, right?"

Jensen smiles amusedly. "I guess not."

Jared grins sheepishly. "Sorry, I got a little excited here. How's your year been? You excited about UT?"

"There's something I have to tell you, Jay," Jensen says when he pulls into his home’s driveway. 

Jared frowns a little. "What is it?"

"Why don't you take a look at the document in the glove compartment?" 

Jared looks confused but does as Jensen has told him. Jensen can see the moment he gets what it is; his eyes grow wide and his cheeks turn red with excitement. 

"Oh my God, this is... Are you really?" Jared throws his arms around Jensen's neck and pulls him into another bone-crushing hug. "This is amazing, Jensen. I'm so happy for you. I knew it; you're amazing."

Jensen allows himself to melt a little more into Jared's embrace, curling his fingers into the back of Jared's t-shirt. "I wanted you to be the first to know."

"It's really... wow, Jen. You did it."

"You'll do it too. You're already playing for the junior team of the best club in Germany. They'd be stupid not to sign you up." 

Jensen pulls away and suddenly Jared's face is right in front of him, his lips only inches away. It would be easy, so very easy, to just lean in and kiss Jared... and go to hell. His mother's voice echoes loudly in his mind and he jerks away. 

"Jen?" Jared's voice is soft and he sounds a little breathless. 

Jensen sighs. "C'mon, our moms are waiting for us." 

He gets out of the car and hauls Jared's suitcase out of the trunk of his old Honda Civic. Three steps and he's up on the porch, not waiting for Jared to follow, he pushes the front door open. 

"Mom, Aunt Sherry, we're home."

He lets their mothers fawn over Jared, while he drags the suitcase up the stairs and into his room. His mom has already set up the guest mattress for Jared to sleep on and Jensen wonders for a second how he'll survive six weeks of Jared sleeping in his room, wandering around half naked. 

He's not gay. It's just a phase and the absence of a girlfriend. So if he can survive Jared so close in his space for six weeks, he'll be able to survive just about anything else. 

"Jen, you okay?"

Jensen spins around. Jared's standing in the doorway and he nods. "Sure." He pauses, swallowing. "Listen, Jay, now, with the contract, I'll be starting training tomorrow. So, I'm sorry, but we can't really go on the road trip."

Jared's face falls and Jensen realizes that Jared didn't really think of that. "Oh. Well, you'll get to play pro soccer. We'll just go another time, right?"

"Jay..."

Jensen reaches out but Jared steps out of reach. "It's okay. Your mom said the BBQ is ready, so you should come down." 

He leaves Jensen standing in his room, feeling like the Grinch, just that he didn't steal Christmas, but Jared's birthday present and happiness. Jensen swears to himself that he won't ever disappoint Jared like this again. 

The night would be really nice, if not great, if Jared could just get Jensen's smell and the feel of his body beneath Jared's fingers out of his mind. 

What's going on with him? 

Just yesterday he would have declared himself straight, but within the span of twenty-four-hours, his life doesn't feel like his own anymore. It's been turned upside down by a stupid statement and Jared doesn't know how to turn it right side up again. He feels like he's been tossed into deep water and doesn't know how to swim. 

The realization that Jensen won't really have time for him this summer doesn't make it any better. 

He's happy for Jensen, of course he is. This is what they’ve always dreamed about, going pro. But the selfish part of his brain would rather have Jensen spending time with him instead going to train for eight hours a day. 

"What's going on, JT?" his mom asks and Jared blinks, looking over to where she's watching him with worried eyes. 

He shrugs. "Nothing. Just tired. It's the jet-lag I guess."

His mom buys his excuse with a smile and pets his cheek. "Maybe you should just go and lie down. It's been a long day for you."

He nods. "Okay."

He gets up and tells everybody good night and that he'll see them in the morning. Jensen gives him a small smile, saying that he'll be quiet when he comes up. Jared waves and trudges up the stairs. He uses the bathroom first, taking a leak and brushing his teeth. 

The guest mattress has been set up and he falls down on it. His feet hang off the end, but he guesses it'll be okay for six weeks. Jared scrambles out of his clothes and slips beneath the thin blanket Aunt Donna had laid out for him, in just his boxers. 

The first image when he closes his eyes is of Jensen, cheeks flushed and lips glistening wet. He jerks his eyes open again, trying to think of any actress he can remember, just so he won't have to remember how Jensen smelled up close. 

It works for a little while, but then images of Jensen come back, mixed with images of Tom, and Jared forces his eyes open again. What's wrong with him? Why can't he stop thinking about his best friends like this? 

Hours later, when Jensen tiptoes into the room, Jared hasn't slept at all. He watches Jensen get undressed in the moonlight that's shining through the curtains. He probably shouldn't, but he can't stop himself from watching. 

Jensen's beautiful, his chest muscular with slim hips and a nice ass. He has bowlegs - not that Jared didn’t know that before. It's by far not the first time that Jared has seen Jensen undress, but it's the first time he’s really looked. Jensen's nipples are dark, perky spots on his tanned chest and if Jared really looks, he can see the outline of Jensen's cock beneath his boxers. 

His own cock turns rock-hard in a second and he presses the heel of his hand against it to take off some of the pressure. He bites the inside of his cheek to keep from groaning and he seems to be successful, because Jensen hasn’t seemed to have noticed that he's still awake. 

He really needs to think of something else and right the fuck now, or he'll embarrass himself in front of his best friend. 

"Jen?" he asks. 

"Jeez, Jared," Jensen breathes, sounding a little shocked. "I didn't know you were still awake."

"Just woke up," Jared lies. "I just... I was thinking..."

"What, Jay?"

"Will you take me to practice with you one time?"

Jensen chuckles. "I'll ask the coach if it's okay. I'm sure he won't have anything against it. But I have to ask first."

"Awesome," Jared whispers and lets out a deep yawn. 

"Sleep now, Jay. We'll see each other tomorrow afternoon."

"When do you have to be at the training center?"

"At eight. Don't worry you don't have to get up, Sasquatch."

Jared grins, feeling really tired all of a sudden. "Night, Jen."

"Night, Jay."

The next couple of days Jared only sees Jensen in the late afternoons or evenings. He gets to hang out at the Ackles' pool and goes to the mall with his mom and little sis, but he honestly thought his holidays would go differently. He's missing Jensen fiercely and the little time they spend together during the evenings is not enough. At least not on the friendship side, it's plenty enough to confuse Jared even further.

On Saturday, FC Dallas is having a home game and even though Jensen's not in the official line-up, he has to be at the stadium. Good thing he's allowed to take Jared to see the match too and they spend an amazing afternoon in the VIP lounge, watching a great game - Dallas beat L.A. 2-1 - and chatting with pro soccer players. 

Jensen's teammates all wish Jared luck and that they hope he'll be able to go pro soon too. He gets a boatload of autographs and he can't wait to show them to Tom. 

After the game, Jensen takes him to Dairy Queen for some much needed ice cream. Jared has the chocolate covered strawberries waffle bowl sundae and Jensen first laughs at him when he accompanies every single spoonful with serious sex noises. But then his cheeks turn red after a while and he looks away. Jared laughs and makes even louder noises, teasing Jensen. 

A day before Jared's birthday, Jensen takes him to see _Men in Black_ and even hours later, they're still laughing over the slim aliens. 

Jeff and his dad both arrive in Dallas on Jared's actual birthday and they have another of Donna's legendary BBQs. Jensen gives Jared the best present ever. Coach Morgan’s agreed to let Jared practice with the pro team at least once in the upcoming week. Jared's so excited that he barely goes to sleep that night. 

Jensen takes Jared with him to practice on Tuesday morning and Jared is so excited he almost pukes. 

"Jay, calm down. You'll make yourself sick."

"But this is... practices with the pros. I just... I can't wait to tell Tom." He's practically bouncing in his seat and Jensen laughs. 

"Wait until you do it every day. It gets old pretty fast."

Jared raises his eyebrows. "So you gonna tell me that you're not still pretty flashed that you're a pro soccer player?"

Jensen blushes a little and shrugs. "Okay, not so fast, then."

Coach Morgan greets Jared personally when they get to the training center. "Hey, Jared. Jensen told us that you're a student at one of those fancy soccer schools in Germany." Jared nods enthusiastically and Coach Morgan laughs. "You wanna show us what they teach you over there?"

Jared can't get out of his street clothes fast enough. Fifteen minutes later, he's dribbling the ball over the pitch, dodging two of Jensen's teammates - who are playing on the opposite team for training purposes right now - before passing the ball to Ricardo, just to double back behind the rivals’ defense and turn back up just right on time to take Mitchell's cross directly and hammer it right over the goal, instead of into it. 

He falls to his knees just staring at the empty net. He can't believe it. Nine out of ten times he makes the shot. God, why did the tenth time have to be today? 

"Well played, kid," Mitchell says, clapping his shoulder. "You've got talent."

"I..."

"Don't worry about it. Happens to the best of us. Just stand up and keep playing," he says and Jared looks up at him, taking the out stretched hand to pull himself up. 

Mitchell is one of the best strikers in the MLS. He must know what he's talking about. They play for another half-an-hour, before Coach Morgan orders them to do some dribble practice. He pulls Jared aside and claps his shoulder. 

"Boy, you're really good. Keep up the good work and you'll go pro just like Jensen. You may have to work on your defensive skills a little, but as a striker you're already really good."

Jared beams. "Thanks Coach."

Jared's still on a high when they get back to the changing rooms after the training. The mood is loud and boisterous, and Jared is laughing at a joke Ricardo told, when he follows Jensen into the shower. 

It hits him like a punch to the gut when he sees Jensen in all his naked glory. Holy shit, why didn't he think about that? 

Jensen steps under the spray and all Jared sees is miles of tanned skin and water drops running down his back and over his ass. 

Shit, shit, shit. He can't get hard, not here, not in between all those guys. 

"Hey, you a fag?"

Someone is pushing at his shoulders and suddenly he's pressed against the wall, with Jordan's pissed face right in front of his. 

"What?" he stutters. "No."

"No? Then why are you sporting a hard on for Jensen's ass?"

Jared closes his eyes, shaking his head. "Please. I..."

"Take your hands off him, Jordan. Now!"

"What, you like him getting a hard-on over you?"

"He's sixteen and a virgin, Jordan," Jensen drawls. "He gets a hard on just thinking about it. Let go of him." Jordan lets go of Jared's shoulders slowly and Jensen looks at him with raised eyebrows, "Tell them that you're not a fag, Jay."

"I'm not a fag," Jared says, his voice still shaking a little. 

"Go, get changed, you can shower at home." Jensen grabs his arm and pushes him back into the changing room. 

"Jen..."

"Do it," Jensen hisses, throwing several looks over his shoulder. 

As soon as Jared is dressed, Jensen shoos him out of the changing room and into Jensen's car, leaving the training center in a rush. He stops after a couple of minutes at the side of the road and Jared looks down at the hands in his lap, wondering if Jensen will kick him out now. 

"Jared, what was that back there?"

"I don't... I just..."

"What's going on, Jay? You've been weird since you got to Texas. Just tell me what's going on."

"I don't know, okay?" Jared says loudly. "I don't. Just that my world is nothing like it seemed to be a couple of weeks ago."

"Are you gay, Jared?"

Jared shakes his head. "I don't know. All I know is that all of a sudden I want to kiss my best friends so badly that I feel like drowning."

Jensen looks at him intently. "You're sixteen, it's just a phase."

"Did you have a phase?" Jared asks, suddenly desperate to know that Jensen went through the same shit and got out at the other end. "Did you, Jen?"

Instead of saying something, Jensen's lips are on Jared's in an instant. They're warm and soft and the kiss takes Jared completely by surprise. He doesn't have a chance to reciprocate before Jensen pulls back. 

"I'm sorry. Jay, I..."

Jared doesn't want to hear Jensen's excuses or reasons why this is a fucking stupid idea, so he just leans in and kisses Jensen again, this time for real. The moment he runs his tongue over Jensen's lips they open, letting him slip inside. It's warm and wet and perfect and it's Jared's first real kiss, so he gets a little overexcited. 

Jensen pushes him away a little and Jared thinks that now Jensen will tell him to cut the crap and stop. But Jensen just wipes away the spit on his chin and smiles softly. 

"We should try it with a little less spit."

Jared breaks into a broad smile and then they're kissing again. Jensen's hands tangle in his hair and Jared curls his fingers into Jensen's t-shirt, pulling him closer. His dick is hard in his pants and holy shit, he's making out with Jensen. 

When they finally come up for air, Jared looks at Jensen's kiss swollen lips and his heart sinks a little. 

"What does it mean, Jen?"

Jensen looks over at him. "Right now, it means you like experimenting. You're sixteen, Jared. You don't have to put a label on everything you try."

Jared nods slowly. "What about you, Jen? Do you like experimenting?"

A small smile appears on Jensen's face. "Yeah, I like experimenting too."

*DFI = Deutsche Fussball Internat/German Soccer Boarding School 

He's going to hell. 

Jared's stretched out on the mattress on the floor. He's deeply asleep and Jensen wonders what he's dreaming about that put the satisfied smile on his face. The blanket has slipped down and gives Jensen a good look at Jared's naked chest. Where slim shoulders and skinny limbs used to be, are filled out muscles that are stretching Jared's skin tight. Jared has obviously trained hard for the abs he's sporting. 

Jensen's mouth waters just thinking about how they would feel under his fingers and taste beneath his lips. 

He's so going to hell. 

But they're just experimenting, right? It's not like they're queers. And besides, it's Jensen’s duty as best friend to help Jared figure out that this is really just a phase. 

He falls back down on his bed. It's early morning and waking up to a hard dick isn't anything new to Jensen. But he can't just jerk off now with Jared so close. After looking at Jared, his dick is so hard it's practically hurting and he needs the release. 

The bathroom is three doors down and Jensen can hear his sister moving in the hallway. Yeah, running across Mac sporting the hard-on he has right now would be all kinds of awkward. So what choice is there, but to push his hand into his boxers and wrap his fingers around his dick?

He'll be real quiet and Jared never has to know. 

Jensen jacks himself quick and without skill but he's so close that he doesn't care anyway. He imagines that it's Jared jerking him off, that these are Jared's long, strong fingers wrapping around his cock and fondling his balls. Sucking his bottom lip between his teeth, he bites off a moan. 

His orgasm is building in his toes and he starts to move his fist faster. He's close, so close. Just a little more. 

Jensen feels fingers join his and he jerks his eyes open. Jared's kneeling on the floor, looking at him, his eyes dark with lust. 

"Can I help?" he whispers and Jensen whimpers, letting go of his dick to let Jared take over. 

Jared's hand feels different, his skin a little softer than Jensen's and his fingers longer. It's probably the best thing that's ever been on his dick and he's had one or two girlfriends that really were into hand-jobs. But nothing ever felt like Jared's hand does now. 

What he lacks in finesse he makes up for with his enthusiasm and when Jared runs his thumb over the tip of Jensen's cock, and his fingernail catches at the rim of his tiny hole, he comes; the force of his orgasm taking him a little by surprise. He's never come so hard before. His body feeling like it’s on fire; and all because it's Jared stroking him. 

When he opens his eyes, he's hit with the image of Jared's flushed cheeks, his eyes blown wide and his own hand wrapped around his dick in his boxers. Jensen wants to reach out, help, but before he can get down there, Jared's coming, his eyes glued to Jensen's and his mouth open on a surprised 'Oh'. 

Jensen helps Jared up onto the bed, when Jared's coherent enough to move, and pulls him down into a kiss. He licks into Jared's mouth hungrily, sucking first on his tongue and then on his bottom lip. Jared whines a little and Jensen lets go of him. A dazed smile appears on his best friend’s face and Jensen smiles back. They're both covered in come and Jensen can feel his boxers starting to stick to his skin. 

"That. Was. Awesome." 

Jared rolls himself off Jensen, stretching his arms over his head. Their eyes are still locked and Jensen can't help himself but run his fingers over Jared's flushed chest, his skin damp with sweat. 

It's not like this changes anything. They're still just experimenting. 

It's Sunday, meaning it's Jensen's free day, and of course Jared took it upon himself to torture him. The sun is burning down from the sky, so Jared decided what better way than to spend the day at the pool. 

Mac and Megan are already in the water, splashing around, when Jensen follows Jared out onto the terrace. 

He's not prepared for how hard it hits him when Jared pulls his shirt over his head and jumps right into the pool. It's totally stupid and pathetic, because he's seen Jared's naked chest every single morning and on various other occasions for the last five weeks. But seeing him wet, water rolling off his tanned skin, is doing things to Jensen and Jensen's dick. 

Sending a silent prayer up to whoever is willing to listen, he walks over to the sun loungers, pulling his own shirt off and putting on his sunglasses. 

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" Jared asks, wading towards the end of the pool that's closest to Jensen. "Get your ass in here."

Jensen grins, keeping his legs crossed, so nobody will see the half hard dick in his shorts. "I have to work on my tan. You enjoy playing with the kids."

"Hey!" Mac screeches in protest. "We're not kids."

Jared turns towards their sisters and Jensen can see the glint in his eyes, knowing that it doesn't mean anything good. "What do you say, girls? Wanna get him?"

They holler and throw themselves to the shallow part of the pool, stumbling up the stairs in their rush to get to Jensen. Jared, though, just pushes himself up on the edge of the pool, lifting his body out of the water.

If Jensen would be a cartoon character he's sure that his eyeballs would have either fallen out or exploded at the picture of Jared climbing out of the pool. And holy shit, when did his best friend get so illegally hot?

He's so entranced with the image Jared is giving him that he barely registers when Mac and Megan start pulling on his arms and legs. But it's not until Jared wraps his arms around Jensen's waist that they're able to move him. He doesn't even put up much of a fight. 

They stumble into the deep end of the pool and Jensen has never been so grateful for relatively cold water. It's a shock and his dick is instantly soft again. Jensen shouldn't have expected it to stay that way, though. 

Jared dives and a second later something brushes against his crotch. How's Jensen supposed to deal with that without getting aroused? 

He's really glad when their sisters start splashing them with water, when Jared surfaces again. They have a water war and soon Megan is sitting on Jared's shoulders, while Mac is sitting on Jensen's, trying to find out who can dunk who faster. 

There's nothing better than having his sister sitting on his shoulders to keep him from lusting after Jared. 

Mac and he win the little contest and Jensen laughs when he sees the pout on Jared's face. A hand shoots out to drag him under, but Jensen jumps away quickly, diving for the stairs. He makes it out of the pool just as Jared's fingers scratch at his lower legs. 

"You're a poor loser, Jay," Jensen laughs and grabs a towel to dry himself a little before flopping down on the sun lounger again. "Go swim a few laps."

Jared rolls his eyes at him, but there's a small smile displayed on his face now. It hits Jensen deep in his gut, something warm and familiar uncurling in his belly. 

He swallows hard, putting on his shades. There's no way he can fall for Jared. No way. He's not gay, and neither is Jared. This is just a phase and it'll be over when Jared leaves in a couple of weeks. 

"Jen?"

Jared props up on his elbows, looking over to where Jensen's lying on his bed. He's not sleeping though, his unsteady breathing telling Jared as much. 

It's the last night before Jared goes back to Germany and he doesn't really know how to do that after the amazing summer he’s had. 

Jensen turns his face towards him, resting his head on his arm that's pushed beneath the pillow. "What, Jay?"

"I wish you could come with me."

"I'll visit soon. Promise."

Jared nods, lying down on his crossed arms. He lets out a heavy breath. "I'll just miss this, us."

"Jay..." Jensen's voice sounds sad and a little resigned. 

"I know it was just experimenting," Jared hurries to say, even though he sometimes wishes it could be something else. He's still pretty much confused about everything, but looking at Jensen in the moonlight, he thinks he might be starting to figure things out. "Just sometimes..."

"No." Jensen pushes up on his elbows. "Don't, Jay. It's just a phase, something we had to get out of our systems."

Jared swallows and nods. "Sure, you're right."

"Jared, we're not queers. We're not. We're amazing soccer players that'll make it big time."

Jared looks up at Jensen, wishing he could see how green Jensen's eyes are right now. "I know." He rolls onto his back. "You'll come visit me, though, right?" Jensen hits him with his pillow and Jared huffs out a breath. "Ow."

"Yes, you big baby, I'll come visit you."

"I'll show you the best places to hang out. And we can totally go to a bar."

Jensen chuckles. "As if they'd ever let you inside a bar."

"Hey, I'm sixteen now. I'm allowed to drink there, at least beer and wine."

"Wow, Jay, all grown up now," Jensen teases and Jared grins up at him. 

Something in the air changes, it's like Jared can physically touch the tension that's suddenly filling the room. One of Jensen's arms finds its way down the bed, brushing against Jared's bare elbow. It causes goose bumps to appear on his skin and he shivers. 

"Wanna come up?" Jensen whispers and hell yeah, Jared wants. 

He climbs up onto Jensen's bed, straddling Jensen with both legs, aligning their cocks through their boxers. They haven't done much. Jared's sure that Jensen’s done more with the girls he's dated before than with him now. But Jared's not in a hurry. 

"Just experimenting, right?"

Jensen nods shakily, his eyes shot wide. "Just experimenting."

He leans down, running his tongue over Jensen's dry lips, coaxing him to open up. The taste hits him, making his head spin, just the last remnants of toothpaste and something that's purely Jensen. Their tongues rub lazily against each other and Jared feels Jensen's hands wander down to his ass, pulling him down. 

Jensen's hard, as hard as Jared, and maybe this is just experimenting, but it feels damn good. Clever fingers push under his waistband and grab his ass cheeks, kneading them gently. Jared's panting when he pulls his lips away from Jensen's, sliding down his body to press exploring kisses to every inch of skin he can find. 

He licks over nipples and saves the way Jensen arches into the touch to his memory. Jensen's skin is hot beneath his fingers and he lets out a quiet moan when Jared makes his way further down. He runs his tongue over heated skin that's covered in a light sheen of sweat. It's salty and makes him hungry for more. 

Jensen's hands have moved to find Jared's head and are now entangled with the strands, not pushing, just holding. Jared pushes his fingers into the waistband of Jensen's boxers and pulls, coming face to face with Jensen's hard and leaking cock a second later. 

It's the first time that Jared has seen it up close, the last time they jerked each other off they had both left their boxers on, and he looks unabashedly to make sure he'll remember every single detail. 

"Jared..." 

Jensen sounds wrecked and when Jared looks up at him, he looks... shocked. "I want to, Jen. Can I?"

"Oh God," Jensen whimpers, letting his head fall back and bucking his hips. 

Jared takes at that as a 'yes', so he leans down and carefully sticks his tongue out. The tip of Jensen's cock feels velvety and his pre-come tastes salty, but not too bad. He licks around the crown and Jensen shudders beneath him, his fingers curling into the strands of Jared's hair. When he closes his lips around the head, Jensen slaps a hand over his mouth to muffle the moan and Jared hums, making Jensen buck his hips again. 

It's messy and wet, there's too much spit and Jared can only take maybe half of Jensen's cock in his mouth, but it's also amazing and so fucking hot. He pushes one of his hands into his boxers and jerks himself off while sucking Jensen's dick. 

The only warning he gets is Jensen frantically pulling on his hair and Jared pulls off just in time. Jensen comes all across his chin and neck. The come feels warm on his skin and it's so damn dirty that Jared only needs one more stroke, before he's shooting into his boxers. His orgasm rips through him, making him shudder and whisper Jensen's name. 

Jensen slams their lips together and they kiss until they finally collapse on the bed, completely sated. 

Jared curls up next to Jensen, burying his head into Jensen's neck. If he has to leave for Germany in the afternoon, he at least wants to remember what Jensen smells like just after he came. Jensen wraps his arm around Jared's shoulders, pulling him even closer. 

It's how Jared falls asleep. 

Jared hauls his suitcase into his and Tom’s room, and flops down on his bed. Tom's not here yet, but they had texted earlier and he'll be here in a couple of hours. 

It's 9 a.m. and back in Texas Jensen is surely already in bed, but Jared texts him anyway, telling him that he got to the school okay. His parents had been so nice to get him a plan that covers international calls and messages just as it does national, knowing that he'd want to text with Jensen. 

After that, he calls his mom. She and Megan had flown back to Germany a couple of weeks earlier, because Meg had to go back to school. So he tells her about his last couple of weeks at the Ackles' house, leaving out the little experimenting he and Jensen did, of course. 

She's happy that he made it back to school okay and tells him to come home, meaning their house in Dusseldorf, soon. He'll get his schedule later today and he promises her to reserve the first free weekend for coming to see them. 

When he ends the call, he finds that Jensen's not asleep yet, because there's a text waiting for him. 

_Glad you got home okay. Kick their asses._

Jared grins. _Not home. Home's Texas. And I will._

He starts unpacking. Aunt Donna had offered to do most of his laundry before he left, so now he only needs to put his clothes away. The small pile of dirty clothes that’s left can wait to be washed another day. 

His phone beeps again and Jared opens the message, not being able to keep the huge grin off his face. 

_I know. Have a great time at school, Jay. Going to bed now. Talk soon._

He texts Jensen back to have a good night and then puts his phone away, knowing that no more messages will come. Going back to unpacking, he finds the picture Aunt Donna had given him before Jensen took him to the airport. It shows him and Jensen, both in swim shorts, their arms wrapped around each other's waists and they're both grinning widely at the camera. 

Something warm starts spreading in his body and when he closes his eyes, he sees Jensen's beautiful smile and feels his hands on Jared's body. A smile appears on his face and he swears that he can almost feel Jensen's lips pressed against his, when he touches his fingertips to them. 

Just thinking about Jensen makes his heart speed up and he wonders if this is what it feels like when you fall in love for the first time. 

_Just experimenting._

Jensen's words are clear in Jared's head, but when he remembers the look in Jensen's eyes, he thinks that maybe he didn't really mean it. This..., what they did, meant something... to both of them. 

The door to their room gets kicked open and Jared jerks up, grinning when Tom shuffles inside. 

"Dude, what took you so long?"

"Stupid traffic," Tom grumbles. "We left extra early, like in the middle of the night, but it was still a pain. Mom and Dad went right back, so they'll be home at a decent hour. Next time? I'm taking the train."

Jared grins. "You hate the train."

Tom shrugs. "Better than crawling along the expressway." He cocks his head. "What has you grinning so hard, by the way? It can't be me."

"Of course it's you, fucker." Jared swings his legs from the bed and pulls Tom into a quick hug. "I've missed you over the summer."

"Uh huh." Tom nods, but he doesn't seem convinced. "No, I'm not buying it. Something is different. Something..." Tom's eyes grow wide. "You met someone. You got laid."

"What?" Jared stutters. "No, what makes you think that."

Tom smirks. "C'mon, what's her name? Is she hot? Do you have a picture?"

Jared rolls his eyes. "I swear there's no girl, okay?"

Tom blinks and for a second Jared thinks that he's buying what Jared's selling, but then he says, "It was Jensen, wasn't it?"

All of a sudden Jared's mouth goes completely dry and he can't speak because of the huge stupid lump in his throat. 

"Holy shit, Jay. Really?"

Tom doesn't sound disgusted or like he wants to kick Jared out. He sounds a little shocked, but also a lot intrigued. 

"It's not... I'm not..." Jared stammers, not knowing what to say and how to explain. 

"Hey, it's okay," Tom says. "I mean it. It's okay. I don't care. And you know I won't tell, right? You know that, Jay."

Jared nods. "I know. And thanks for that, really. But it's just... everything's so new and I don't know what it means, not yet at least."

Tom smiles. "You'll figure it out." He slaps Jared's shoulder. "Hey, you got laid, that's more than I can say for my summer."

Jared laughs, tension falling away from his shoulders. "Knew you were a big fat loser."

Just like that they're back to being sixteen-year-old boys and Tom tackles him to the bed. 

It's not as easy as Jensen would have thought. In fact visiting Jared in Germany seems almost impossible with the schedules they're on. When Jensen has the time to fly over, Jared's full on mid-term tests and training, while when Jared has time, Jensen is at training camp with FC Dallas. Then the season starts and he can't just flying to Germany for a week. 

It's like the universe doesn't want them to see each other and maybe Jensen should take that as a sign. Maybe it's a sign that they shouldn't have done what they did and that they sure as hell shouldn't continue it. 

Jensen would be lying if he said he hasn't thought about it, hasn't thought about Jared's hands or mouth on him. But that doesn't make it any more right. It's a sin and Jensen was just too weak to resist. He should have resisted. He should have told Jared 'no'. 

But Jared's like a siren. Once you hear his song you can't turn away anymore. The result is a wrecked ship, or in Jensen's case, a wrecked mind and heart. 

He sits next to his parents in church, listening to the priest talking about sins and hellfire, and all he can think about is how Jared's skin felt beneath his fingers. 

Yeah, he's so going to hell. 

Jared gets a job as an intern at the administration office of Bayern Munich the following summer. Jensen's in the middle of the season and can't fly to Germany, and because of the job Jared can't go to Texas. It's the first summer in eight years that they don't spend together. 

It's weird, having to call Jared on his birthday and mail his present - a book on soccer technique and a CD of this new band named Linkin Park, Jensen likes - instead of giving it to him in person. But they make do somehow.

"Sucks that I can't be there," Jensen grumbles. "Tell me what you think of the band, will you?"

"We'll just have to make sure that you can come visit this winter," Jared says and Jensen can hear the yawn afterwards. 

It's really early in Germany, but Jared had to get up for work anyway, so Jensen doesn't feel too guilty for waking him up. And besides, later Jared would either be at work or Jensen at practice and then it'd be too late to talk on the phone. 

"I can't wait to listen to the CD. Thanks for that, man."

"You're welcome, Jay."

Jared yawns again. "Dude, I need coffee."

Jensen chuckles. "Good thing the kitchen is all yours then."

Jared's staying at an apartment FC Bayern had offered him for the duration of his internship and now he's always complaining about having to cook for himself. 

"Maybe I should have given you a cook book," Jensen adds teasingly. 

"Jerk," Jared grumbles. 

"Aw, you love me," Jensen says, wanting to bite his tongue the moment the words are out. Don't go there, please don't go there. 

There's a long pause in which Jensen's heart speeds up and he's sweating bullets, but then Jared says, "You wish."

Jensen laughs shakily, feeling the tension fall off his shoulders. "I'd love to keep talking to you, Jay," he replies after a look at his alarm clock, "but I have to get up early."

"Having to train hard, huh?" Jared teases. "When will the coach put you in the starting lineup, instead as a joker in the last minutes of the second half?"

Jensen snorts. "You go pro and we’ll talk, kid."

Jared snickers. "Sure thing, old man."

A smile appears on Jensen's face at the easy banter and he really doesn't want to end their call. "I miss you, Jay." It's true and it's not like he hasn't said it before, but today it comes out a little breathless and filled with more forbidden emotions than Jensen would have liked. 

"Me too, Jen." Jared's voice is soft and Jensen thinks he hears the same forbidden emotions in it. 

Jensen swallows. "I need to go. I'll talk to you soon."

"No Jen, wait..."

But Jensen ends the call before he can listen to what else Jared has to say. He doesn't want to hear it. Then again, he does. So much. 

He's so screwed. 

He's at a bar with some of his teammates a couple of weeks later, celebrating their win against Vancouver, when he sees her leaning against the pool table in the corner. She's talking to some of her friends and her laugh travels over to him. Her long auburn hair is pushed back behind her ears and she's running her fingers through it, when Jensen looks over. 

She's beautiful and even from afar her laughter does things to Jensen's insides. She's wearing tight jeans and cowboy boots; sleeveless, light green blouse showing off her slim waist. 

"Hot."

Jensen blinks, looking over to Jordan. "She's okay."

Jordan snorts. "Right. You should totally hit that. When was the last time you got laid anyway, Ackles?"

Jensen bites the inside of his cheek to keep his calm and shoots back. "None of your business."

Mitchell cackles next to them. "Little Jensen still a virgin?"

"Fuck you," Jensen grumbles. 

He doesn't want to think of being sixteen and giving it up for Caroline Jaspers, one of his brother's older friends. He'd felt like the biggest, baddest guy on earth after losing his virginity to an older girl or woman - she was twenty at the time. But thinking about it now, he wishes he had waited.

Jared's image appears before his inner eye and he pushes it away quickly. This is really not the time to think about Jared. 

He grabs his beer and makes his way over to where she's still leaning against the pool table. It's been a while since he played, but he's always been pretty good at it. 

"You play?" he asks and she looks at him amusedly. 

"Sometimes."

"What about now?"

She gives her friends a look and then shrugs. "Sure. What do you wanna to play for?"

Jensen smirks. "I win, I get your number."

"Oh, really?" She leans closer. "What do I get when I win?"

"My number." Jensen grins when she starts laughing. 

"Sounds fair."

He holds out his hand. "Name's Jensen."

"Danneel." She shakes it and Jensen holds onto it for a little too long.

"Pleasure."

She laughs again and it makes his heart jump in his chest. It's a relief to realize that girls still can turn him on, and while she's not Jared - definitely not Jared - Jensen already really likes her. 

They start to play and Danneel knows exactly how to work her feminine charms to make Jensen completely forget about the game. Soon he's standing behind her, showing her how to hold the cue. He knows that he's being played, but for once he honestly doesn't care. 

In the end Danneel wins and Jensen writes down his number. She reaches for it, but he holds it back. 

"It wasn't really a fair win," he says slowly, folding the piece of paper that holds his number in his hands. 

She raises her eyebrows and leans closer to him, her lips brushing against his ear when she speaks, "You really wanna tell me that you care?"

Jensen chuckles. "Fine." He hands her the paper and she grabs it, putting it into one of her front pockets. 

"It was good meeting you, Jensen."

She leaves, linking arms with one of her friends, and shoots Jensen a last look over her shoulder. 

Yeah, he's pretty sure she'll call.

Jared's leaning against the kitchen counter, his fingers entangled with strands of dark blond hair. His cock is engulfed in wet heat and he moans when the tongue swirls across the tip. A wet finger pushes at his hole and he pants, trying to relax when it starts wriggling inside. It burns a little at first, but the suction on his dick is still very much glorious, so Jared doesn't mind. Then Dennis brushes it over something inside Jared's body that makes him see stars and he doesn't mind at all, even starts to push down. 

He doesn't last long after that, shooting down Dennis' throat, and he's still very much in awe with how it feels when someone swallows around you. 

His mind is still hazy when he pulls Dennis up and fumbles with the buttons on his jeans, before he has Dennis' hard cock in his hand. Two, three strokes and then Dennis is coming too, coating Jared's fingers with white strands of come. 

They tumble over to the couch, which is thankfully not too far away in Dennis' one room apartment, and fall down completely blissed out. 

He wonders how he could ever think that he's not gay. He's so completely and absolutely gay and meeting Dennis only made that clearer. 

They’d met at a café in Munich during the summer and Dennis had immediately started flirting with him. Jared wondered for all of two very stressful days if he was giving out gay vibes somehow, until Tom reassured him that nobody at school suspected anything. When he finally worked up the nerve to ask Dennis about it, he just laughed and told Jared that he thought Jared was cute and just went for it. It does calm his nerves a lot; he's not ready for anyone but Tom, and now Dennis, to know that he likes guys. 

It's a good thing that Dennis has his own apartment too. It makes fooling around so much easier. Dennis is older, almost twenty-one, and working at a restaurant, which makes regular meetings a little difficult, but they manage to at least see each other five or six times a month. And seeing means, making out. 

At first Jared had been a little worried that Dennis might want to have a serious relationship or something, but Dennis told him that he's very much okay with the casual thing they've got going. 

Sometimes Jared feels guilty about not telling Jensen that he's met Dennis, but he doesn't know what to say. If he's honest, he's also a little afraid of Jensen’s reaction. He's said more than once that he's not gay, so what if he has a problem with Jared being gay? 

Gentle fingers turn his head over to where Dennis is lying next to him. "You thinking about him again?" Jared blinks and Dennis smiles. "I'm not stupid, Jay. I know there's someone else. That's why we haven't gone any further, right?" Jared shrugs helplessly and Dennis frowns. "I wonder why you're here with me and not telling him how you feel?"

Jared snorts. "Right, because that's so easy."

"Not saying it's easy, just saying he might surprise you."

Jared shakes his head. "He told me he's not gay."

"And yet, you're hoping that he lied to you. Maybe he did?" 

Oh how Jared wishes Dennis could be right. "He's back home in Texas. They're not really fond of gay people, y'know?"

Dennis nods. "But they can't be all bad, right? You were born there too and you're quite alright." He winks and Jared chuckles a little. 

"I guess. Jensen, he's my best friend. Has been since we were toddlers. I can't risk telling him everything. I might lose him."

"If he's really your best friend he'll have your back and even if he isn't gay or doesn't feel the same way, you can work it out."

"I wish you could be right," Jared says, turning his head away. 

Dennis leans over him though, kind of forcing Jared to look at him. "You're still young, Jay. There might be someone else waiting for you around the corner."

Jared pushes up, catching Dennis' lips in a kiss. He's so tired of talking about it and this is the only way he knows how to shut Dennis up. 

Danneel is witty and funny, keeping Jensen on his toes all the time. 

She waits five days before she calls him for the first time, making him wonder if he misread all the signals at the bar. 

They go to a movie the next day and Jensen can't remember ever having so much fun with anyone who's not Jared. She makes up her own dialogue to the seriously bad horror movie they decided on and Jensen can't help but laugh loudly, which gets them kicked out thirty minutes in. But the movie's so bad that Jensen really doesn't mind. 

Danneel drags him over to an ice cream parlor, making him buy them each a cone. She decides on strawberry and chocolate, while Jensen tries the mint ice cream Jared loves so much. 

"So, you're a soccer player. Why not football or basketball?" she asks, licking the ice cream off her cone and Jensen really needs to look somewhere else. 

He shrugs. "It was always soccer. Jay, my best friend, and I, we grew up with it. His aunt gave him a soccer ball for his third birthday. The rest is, as they say, history."

"Jay, huh? Does he play for Dallas too?"

Jensen shakes his head. "Naw. He's in Germany, going to one of those fancy soccer schools over there. But I'm just waiting for him to call and tell me that he’s made it pro."

Danneel cocks her head. "You're real close, huh?"

Jensen nods. "He's like a brother to me."

"Yeah," Danneel grins. "I have one of those too."

"Your best friend is like a brother to you?" Jensen asks, teasing and Danneel slaps him. 

"Like a sister, jerk."

Jensen grins. "So, you haven't really told me what you do."

"I study art and art history at UT," she says casually and Jensen raises his eyebrows in surprise. 

"Really? That's great."

"Yeah, my dad had this obsession with art, guess I got it from him."

"Had?" Jensen asks and Danneel nods, looking sad all of a sudden. 

"He died last year, had a heart attack."

He wraps his arm around her shoulder and pulls her in a little. "I'm sorry. Must have been hard."

She nods. "It was, but we're dealing and I know he's always with me." She smiles. "Man, that totally ruined the mood. Let's talk about something else."

Jensen tells her about the one time Jordan had to wear women's clothes at the Christmas party because he lost a bet. Soon Jensen's completely out of breath from laughing so hard his stomach hurts. 

It's after midnight when he takes Danneel back to the town house she's sharing with three of her best friends. 

"I really had a good night. I haven't had that much fun in a while."

She smiles. "I'm glad. I had fun too."

Jensen leans forward and kisses her softly. "I'll call you in the morning," he whispers when he pulls away and Danneel nods. 

"Looking forward to it."

He does call her first thing in the morning and he invites her to watch the game the next day. Since he'll be playing, he tells her to bring a friend and promises to have someone waiting for them to explain the rules during the game. 

After that, dating becomes a regular thing and Danneel is up in the stand at every home game, sometimes, if she has enough time, she'll even go with them to the away games too. 

Jensen knows that he should tell Jared that he's met someone, that he's falling in love with Danneel, but something keeps him from making that call.

"So, that's Jared, huh?" Danneel says. 

It's the first time Jensen’s taken her back to his apartment after the game and she's currently looking at the wall that's decorated with pictures of his family and friends. 

Jensen nods. "Yup." He glances at the picture she's looking at. It's the one his mom took the last time Jared was here. They're both in their swim shorts and grinning at the camera. "My mom took it the last time he was here."

"You must miss him."

"Sometimes, yeah. But we email and talk on the phone pretty often."

Danni smiles. "Maybe he can play for Dallas one day too."

Jensen wraps his fingers around her waist, pulling her into his arms. "Maybe. But that's enough talking."

She looks up at him through her lashes. "Oh, really?" He nods and she wraps her arms around his neck. "Why don't you show me what you have in mind then?"

Jared finishes his shower and walks back into the changing room. He's one of the last to get dressed, but he doesn't want to rush it. Dennis said he'd be waiting outside and he doesn't need any witnesses seeing him leave with some unknown guy. 

"Jared?" Coach Freidl asks and Jared turns towards him. "You got a minute before you leave?"

"Sure." Jared nods. "I'll be right there."

The coach smiles. "Take your time. I'll be in my office."

Jared gets dressed, says goodbye to the rest of his teammates and makes his way down the hallway. He knocks at the coaches' office and steps in when he's called in. He's surprised when he finds that Coach Freidl is not alone. Sebastian Mayer, the coach of the pro team, is sitting in one of the chairs waving Jared inside. 

"Take a seat, son," his coach says and Jared sits down, feeling confused. "Don't worry, Jared. You've done nothing wrong."

"Okay," he says slowly. 

"It's quite the opposite really. Coach Mayer and I have been keeping an eye on your progress and you've pretty much blown us away. You're the best in your age group and on the team," the coach says and Jared smiles a little. 

"Thank you, Coach."

"That's not all, Jay. We know that you still have two years until you finish school and we think that it's very important to graduate. And DFI is a very good place for that."

"It's a great school," Jared agrees. 

"But how would you feel about being in the line-up for the pro team this Saturday?" Coach Mayer asks and Jared's eyes threaten to pop out of their sockets. 

"What? Really?"

"Well, we've got some injuries on the team and I could use a back-up striker, if you're interested."

Jared shakes his head and laughs. "Of course I'm interested. It’s an amazing opportunity. Thank you so much."

"Well then, we'll expect you at training tomorrow morning. I'll introduce you to the team and will assign you a roommate for the stay at the hotel the night before the game, okay?"

"DFI has already been informed," Coach Freidl adds. "So you don't have to worry about that."

"I don't know what to say, that's... thank you. Really. Thank you so much."

The coaches laugh and shake his hand. "We're expecting big things from you in the future."

Jared nods enthusiastically. "I won't disappoint you."

They say goodbye and Jared rushes out the door. He needs to call Jensen. It takes him about three rings before he answers, sounding sleepy. And shit, Jared didn't check the time, but he so doesn't care about that right now. 

"Dude, you won't believe what’s just happened," Jared blurts into the phone without taking the time for a proper greeting. 

"What?" Jensen asks amused. 

"I'm playing for the pro team this weekend."

"What?! That's awesome, Jay!"

"I know, right. They just told me, just now."

"I knew it, Jay. You're gonna rock so hard."

"Wish you were here and could see me play." Jared sighs. 

"I'll come visit soon, Jay."

There's a rustle in the background and a female voice asking Jensen what's going on. "Just Jared. Go back to sleep, Danni."

Jared frowns. Danni? "Uhm, is this a bad time?"

Jensen lets out a deep breath. "Give me a sec." Jared hears a door open and close, and then Jensen is back. "I guess I should have told you before, but I've met someone. Danneel. We've been dating for a few months now."

Jared doesn't really know what to say to that, feeling completely blindsided. "Oh. Congrats, I guess."

"Jared..."

"No, I'm happy for you," Jared rushes to say. "It's great that you have a girlfriend, Jen. You deserve to be happy. You should bring her when you come visit, so I can meet her."

"You sure?" 

"Yeah, totally," Jared replies, feeling his heart ripping in two at the same moment. 

"Okay, I'll ask her." He pauses. "I'm so proud of you, Jay. Call me after the game, okay?"

"Sure." Jared nods, even though he knows Jensen can't see him. "Listen Jen, I need to go. School bus is picking me up."

"Talk to you later, then."

Jared ends the call and hurries outside. Dennis is leaning against the outer wall and Jared grabs his hand. 

"Let's go."

"You okay, Jay?"

"Sure. Everything's great."

"Jared? What's wrong?"

Jared glares at Dennis. "Nothing, okay? Nothing. Can we just go?"

"Okay, sure."

They take the subway to Dennis' apartment and as soon as they’re inside, Jared slams him back against the door. 

"I want to fuck you," he breathes, biting lightly at Dennis' throat. 

"Okay," comes the shaky answer. "Anything you want."

"And then I want you to fuck me."

Dennis blinks. "Jared, you sure? I know you were waiting."

Jared huffs out a humorless laugh. "There's nothing to wait for." 

Dennis gets it a second later and nods. "I promise to make it really good for you, Jay."

Jared closes his eyes the moment Dennis starts unbuttoning his pants and Jensen's face appears in front of his inner eye. He doesn't want to think of Jensen though, doesn't want to imagine what he's doing to his girlfriend right now. 

All he wants is to forget. 

Jensen leans down and ties his soccer shoes. He wriggles his toes and slaps his thighs, before standing up and joining Mitchell at the door. 

"You ready?"

Jensen grins. "So ready."

It's the last game before the playoffs and they only need a tie to make it into them. To top that off, the national team coach, Stephen McMillan, is up in the stands. 

Jensen is more than ready. 

He'd been invited to training camp last year, but didn't make the team. But this year he'll make it. A lot of older players are retiring and Coach McMillan needs new blood. So Jensen will show him exactly what he can do. The World Cup is in two years and Jensen will make sure that he'll play in it. 

When it's time to walk onto the field he's giddy with anticipation. He knows that Danneel is up there too. She's been in the stands every single game, since they started dating two years ago. Two years. Jensen grins and shoots a look into the direction where her seat is. It makes him more confident and comfortable to know that she's supporting him. 

They play Seattle and they're good, meaning Jensen has a lot to do to keep the defense in line. But at least this way he can show Coach McMillan what he can do. They're in the lead by 1 - 0 at half time and Jensen knows that he did a lot to keep it that way. 

Rodriguez, one of the two forwards Seattle named in the line-up, had gotten past the mid-field three or four times and Jensen had always been there to stop him fairly, stealing the ball from him with skill rather than force. 

Coach Morgan slaps his shoulder on the way into the changing rooms. "Good half, Jensen. Doing a good job of keeping Sergio out of trouble."

"Doing my best, Coach." Jensen grins and sits down with his teammates, ready to listen to Coach Morgan's strategy for the second half. 

They win the game 2 - 1 and are in the playoffs now. As if that wasn’t enough reason to celebrate, Jensen also played an even better second half. He's pretty sure that Coach McMillan will call him and at least invite him to training camp. 

Danneel's waiting outside the stadium for him, leaning against the side of his car. She's beaming at him. 

"Hey, superstar."

Jensen rolls his eyes, but lets her pull him into a hug. "Hi, Danni."

"You were amazing out there. I'd say it was probably your best match so far. You were on fire."

"I was," Jensen agrees. "It was amazing, Danni. Playing for the whole 90 minutes in such an important game and then having Coach McMillan in the stands. He's gonna call me, right?"

She laughs. "He better." She kisses him softly. "Hey, why don't we go home and celebrate a little?"

"Does that celebration involve us being naked?"

"Maybe," she winks. 

He pulls her in for a dirty kiss, before opening the car door for her. He gets into the driver’s seat and is about to turn the ignition, when Danneel speaks. 

"Hey, do you wanna call Jared? Tell him how awesome you are?"

Jensen smirks. "He should really know that, huh?"

Danneel grins. "He should."

"Little shit needs to be put in his place," Jensen jokes, pulling out his cell. He looks at his watch. "Shit, it's the middle of the night over there. I'll call him tonight."

"Just send him a text," Danni says. "So he'll find out how awesome you are when he wakes up."

Jensen nods, firing off a text. _I'm awesome, Dude! So awesome! Totally rocked the show_

Jared's playing as a pro for Bayern Munich now, had signed the contract the moment he turned nineteen a couple of months ago. Jensen and Danneel went down to visit for Christmas last year and Jensen had been a little surprised at how well Jared and Danni had gotten along, but very happy too. Then, Jared had come to Texas last summer, staying for a couple of weeks, until he had to go back to Germany for training camp. 

It was amazing to have Jared so close again. Amazing and a little terrifying. Jared has grown up even more, topping Jensen by at least four inches now, and his shoulders got even broader. Jensen thinks even his dimples have gotten deeper. The temptation is still there, the itch in his fingers to touch Jared. 

He even caught himself thinking that he might like to kiss Jared, but Danneel had always diffused such thoughts. And not once did Jared say or do anything that made Jensen think he's still interested. Sometimes he seemed a little grumpy, but Jensen thinks that might be because he was feeling a little left out because he didn’t have a girlfriend yet, even though there's no lack of interested women. Jared said he wanted to concentrate on his career and his soccer game though, and Jensen can understand that. 

At home Danneel makes them chicken and rice with orange sauce, while Jensen prepares the table and opens the wine. He pours them both a glass, and before he carries them into the kitchen, he picks up the little velvet box he had hidden in his nightstand.

"Here." He hands a glass to Danneel and she takes it. 

"Thank you, handsome."

He leans against the kitchen counter, watching her turn the chicken around in the pan. "I love you."

She smiles and kisses his cheek. "I love you too."

"I don't know what I'd do without you, you know that right?" 

Danneel laughs. "Probably crash and burn." She leans over to him, brushing her lips against his cheek. "It's my pleasure."

"I'm serious, Danni. I love you and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you." For a second, he wonders what Jared would say if he knew that Jensen's proposing, but then he pushes the thought aside. He pulls the velvet box out of his pocket. "Danneel Harris will you please make me the happiest man on earth and marry me?"

Danneel's eyes grow wide and the spoon she’s holding clatters to the floor. "Jensen..." she breathes. He looks at her, waiting for the answer impatiently. A second later she's in his arms, laughing. "Yes, of course I'll marry you."

He beams at her. "Yes?"

"Yes."

They start kissing passionately and Jensen follows her down to the floor, when her knees don't seem to support her anymore. They don't make it to the bedroom; the chicken and rice forgotten on the stove. 

"Hey, asshole. How's it going?"

Jared snorts. "Great, jerk. And you? How is it at the bottom of the food chain?"

"Like I said 'asshole'," Tom retorts, but Jared can hear that he doesn't really mean it. 

"Aw man, you love me."

Tom laughs. "You wish."

After they graduated, Tom went to play for VfB Stuttgart, which is currently fighting for survival in the Bundesliga. The season is only twelve games old, but they're already at the bottom of the league.

Jared lets out a deep breath. "Man, I miss you. It's not the same without you."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. No getting drunk in the middle of the night and telling me of your gay adventures must be really hard for you."

"Dude!" Jared shrieks. "That happened once. Once."

"Still scarred me for life apparently," Tom jokes. He pauses for a while. "Seriously, though. I miss you too, Jay. But the offer was really good and it's _my_ club. Don't tell me you wouldn’t have gone back if Dallas had made you an offer."

Jared thinks about it, but as much as he loves Dallas, Bayern is where he wants to play. The league is one of the best in the world and his skills will only get better here, even though playing for Dallas would mean playing with Jensen. 

"No, I wouldn't have. You wanna play with the real guys, Europe is the place."

"Best four friggin' leagues of the world," Tom agrees. "So how's pro life treating you?"

Jared yawns. "It's good. At times hard, but at others it's a walk in the park."

"Well, I guess I'll see you on the pitch in a couple of weeks, then. Show you how hard it can be."

Jared laughs. "Empty promises." He pauses. "It is good talking to you, Tom. When you get here we should totally get a beer together."

"We will, Jay. We will. Now tell me about your love life. Anything I need to know?" Jared grins and rolls his eyes, even though Tom can't see him. "What about Jensen? How's he?"

Tom doesn't like Jensen and Jared guesses it has something to do with the fact that he thinks Jensen led Jared on and took advantage. It's not true. Jared was very well aware that Jensen only wanted to experiment. But Tom doesn't want to hear it. He does always ask about Jensen, though. Maybe he's looking for a reason to not like him even more, Jared isn't sure. 

"He's good, as far as I know. Just got into the playoffs with Dallas and got invited to play for the national team."

"Uh huh. Does he still have that girlfriend?"

Jared sighs. "Tom, do we really have to talk about that? Yes, he still has that girlfriend, her name's Danneel and she's a great girl."

Tom snorts. "Right." He clears his throat. "So when are you gonna get a boyfriend? When are you gonna get over him?"

"It's not that easy. Don't you think I've tried? Do you think I wanna be the pathetic gay who's in love with the straight guy? No, I don't. But I can't just turn it off. He'll always be a part of my life, so I just have to deal with it. And I am."

"What about Dennis? How's he?"

Jared lets out a deep breath. "Fine, I hope. He met someone. We broke it off a couple of weeks ago."

"Shit," Tom curses. "I really hoped that you'd open your eyes one day and see the good thing you two have."

"It was just sex, Tom. I'm not heartbroken that Dennis is gone. I may have blue balls but I have my right hand for that, don't I?"

"You were good together."

"We were fuck buddies, that's what we were. And now, please stop it, Tom. You're not helping."

"What are you gonna do when Jensen marries that girl or anyone else for that matter? Huh, Jared? What are you gonna do?"

"I'll deal as well as I am right now. It's not like I have to see them every day. And I can't not have Jensen in my life. So I’ll deal."

They end the call a little later and Jared goes to bed early. Coach Mayer expects them to be at practice early in the morning. 

He and Jensen email twice or three times a week normally, catching up on their daily business and on news. So he's completely blindsided when Jensen calls him one day in November. 

"Jen, hey. How are you?"

"Great, Jay. I'm great. It's good to hear your voice. How are you? How's pro life treating you?"

Jared laughs. "It's awesome. I love it. Best thing that’s ever happened to me."

Jensen chuckles. "Yeah, tell me about it." He pauses. "Listen, there's something I need to tell you."

Jared raises his eyebrows curiously. "Really? What is it? They giving you a raise?"

"No." Jensen laughs. "It's more personal. I've asked Danneel to marry me."

And just like that, Jared's heart is ripped out of his chest and smashed to bits. His ears ring and he feels dizzy for second. He must have been out of it for a moment, because he suddenly hears Jensen calling his name frantically.

"Jared! Answer me. Jay? Please, answer me."

"I'm here, Jen. I'm here."

"Uh, what happened? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," he grits out, swallowing down the tears that are threatening to fall. He should have known that this moment would come. He should have been prepared. But he's really not and he doesn't know how he’ll put his heart back together after this. 

"You sure?"

He swallows again. "Yeah, Jen, I'm sure. I guess congrats are in order. She said 'yes', right?"

Jensen chuckles; sounding relieved. "She said 'yes'. We're gonna get married next summer."

"Wow, that's... wow, you sound really happy."

"I am, Jay. I am. I'd be even happier if you'd be my best man."

What is he supposed to do now? Before he thinks twice, he replies, "Sure. I'd be honored." It'll be pure torture to see Jensen get married, but there'll be booze and maybe lots of it will help Jared get through it. 

It's in January when Koehler, one of their defense players, rips his posterior cruciate ligament. He's in his mid-thirties and probably won't make it back to the game, meaning Coach Mayer is looking for someone to add to the team in the summer. 

Some might call it temporary insanity or that Jared just likes to torture himself. He'll say that it's a favor for his best friend in the world, because Jensen so deserves to play in one of the best leagues in the world. So he walks into the coach's office with Jensen's stats and a few of his games on DVD. 

Jensen grabs the two suitcases from the baggage carousel and turns to Danneel, who's carrying an over-dimensional rucksack. This is all they had been able to take with them on the plane; everything else had been shipped to Germany a couple of days ago. 

"Ready?"

He doesn't just ask if she's ready to meet Jared outside in the arrival hall. No, for the millionth time over the last couple of months he's asking if she's ready to start a new life with him. They're standing in the baggage claim area at Munich airport, so it's probably way too late, but he can't help himself. 

Danneel rolls her eyes. "I'm ready, silly. I’ve told you a million times."

Together they walk by customs without being stopped and right through the sliding doors, which lead them into the arrival hall. Jared's standing a little to the right, but Jensen sees him immediately. He's towering over almost everyone else and there's a fond smile displayed on his face. He raises his hand and waves when he notices them. 

"There's Jared."

Danneel smiles. "Did he get even bigger?"

Jensen laughs out loud. "Looks like it."

They make their way over and Jared pulls Jensen into a hug. It shouldn't make Jensen's heart speed up the way it does; he's marrying Danneel in a few months. 

"Lookin' good, dude." Jared grins, before he pulls Danneel into a hug. "You too, Danni. As beautiful as ever."

Danneel grins. "You're such a charmer, Jay. I can't understand how you're still single."

A faint blush appears on Jared's cheeks and Jensen wonders what it might mean when Jared shrugs. "Guess I haven’t met the right one yet."

Danneel puts her rucksack down on the trolley that's standing next to Jared and links arms with him, "I'm here now, Jay." She winks at him. "You don't need to worry anymore."

Jared looks uncomfortable and Jensen hauls their suitcases onto the trolley, and starts pushing it down the hall. "Stop setting him up with faceless women, Danni. Jared can choose his own."

"What now? So I can't invite a date for you to our wedding?" she teases and Jensen rolls his eyes. 

"No, Danni. No date, only if Jared wants you to."

Jared shrugs awkwardly. "I'd rather concentrate on playing soccer, y'know. I mean, I only turn twenty this summer. I’m not really thinking about marriage and settling down yet." 

There's a soft undertone in Jared's voice that Jensen thinks might be sadness, but he can't be sure. Why would Jared be sad in the first place? He has the life he’s always wanted. 

"See, he still has lots of time."

Danni chuckles. "Okay, I'll try not to set you up with every girl I meet."

"I'd appreciate that," Jared says and smiles. "Let's go and see your new house. The container is on its way and will be here in a week; just checked with the shipping company. But I've made sure you have everything you need for the week." He winks at Jensen. "And there's always take-out, right?"

Jensen laughs. "Hope you have some recs for us."

They drive to Danneel and his new home, which they purchased with Jared's help two weeks ago. It's a nice two-storey house on the southern outskirts of Munich, not too far away from the training center of Bayern Munich. Jared has an apartment that is ten minutes away by car and it's only like fifteen minutes by train into the city. So it's really perfect. 

The house has a white picket fence and a neatly done front yard with rose bushes in the front. Jared gives Jensen the keys when they walk up the front door. 

"All yours, Jen."

"It looks like on the pics, Jen," Danneel says, sounding pretty much in awe.

"It's really nice. You did good, Jay."

Jared smiles, shooting a look over his shoulder. "Danni sent me concrete instructions. Didn't want my balls on the line if I screwed up."

She laughs and pushes him in the shoulder. "So far you did well."

Jensen thinks Jared did well overall when they walk inside and inspect the house. They have a huge kitchen, and the living room with dining area has a real fireplace. Two guest rooms, the master bedroom and the bathroom are on the upper floor and the house definitely offers enough space for Danni and him. Jared can have a guest room if he wants to stay over. 

The backyard is not too big, but definitely big enough to have nice BBQs on the terrace and invite some friends. Jared tells them that there is a bar in the basement, which they can use if it’s too cold to sit outside. 

Jared helped them pick out new furniture for the house and had been there to let in the furnishers. He even took care of the basic equipment like dishes and linen. And like Jared said, they'll only have to wait another week until their things will get here and they can start making the house a home. 

For dinner they order Pizza and sit on the new couch, talking about this and that. Danni says good night first. They've been up for over twenty-four hours now and Jensen feels the fatigue too, but he doesn't want to go to bed yet. He hasn't spent enough time with Jared for years, so he won't rush their reunion. 

"So, Germany?"

Jensen shrugs and grins. "It was your idea."

"I know." Jared chuckles. "Never thought the coach would take my suggestion seriously, though. Don't get me wrong, I love that you're here. You deserve it. But I just never thought he'd even consider an idea from a rookie."

Jensen cocks his head. "I think he values your opinion very much. At least it sounded that way."

Jared leans back, stretching out his long limbs, and Jensen can't help but stare at the miles of muscles displayed before him. Something warm and long forgotten starts spreading through his belly and his fingers itch to touch. He swallows hard and looks away. He'll have to find a way to fight the temptation. 

It's wrong. And he has Danni. He loves Danni. He's going to marry her. 

The date is set for June and Danni will go back to the States in a few weeks to help their mothers with the planning. They've decided on most things, but there's always something left to do and she has to make sure that her dress fits anyway. 

"I'm happy you're here, Jen."

Jared's voice is soft and pulls Jensen back to the present. He blinks and looks over to where Jared is staring at him intently. He feels goose bumps appear on his skin and swallows hard. 

"Me too, Jay. Me too."

The call comes on a Monday evening.

Jared's kicking up his feet at Jensen's place, with a beer and Chinese take-out. Danneel has gone back to the States for the time being to make sure the preparations for the wedding go smoothly. So it's just Jensen and him, and it feels like old times. His heart is still aching for Jensen, but having him here, having him close, is better than being dependent on phone calls and emails. 

"Up for a game of Halo?" Jensen asks, turning on the Playstation without waiting for Jared's answer. He pushes a controller into Jared's hands a moment later. 

Jared yawns. "I'm tired, man. Training took a lot out of me today. All the stupid running. I hate running."

Jensen laughs. "You love running, man. You've always loved it."

"Not anymore," Jared grumbles, feeling every single bone in his body. 

They lost the game on Saturday and while the coach gave them a free day yesterday, he pushed them extra hard today. Jensen can talk. He's not allowed to play or train with them this season and they're only letting him use the training facilities so he stays fit. He'll know what Jared's talking about when Coach Mayer will torture him one day soon. 

Jared's phone rings, showing an unknown number with an US code on the display. He frowns, but picks up anyway. 

"Hello?"

"Jared Padalecki? This is Coach McMillan of the US team." Jared's heart stops for a second when he hears the name. He must have shown something on his face because Jensen's suddenly watching him with interest. "I'm calling to invite you to train with the team and maybe even play at the qualification match against Canada in four weeks."

"Wow... that's... thank you, Sir. That's a great honor."

"Does that mean you're interested?"

"What? Yes, of course, I'm interested," Jared rushes to say. 

"Good. I'll have my assistant email you the details." He pauses. "And Jared? Welcome to the team."

"Thank you, Coach. Thank you so much."

They end the call and Jensen's staring at him with huge eyes. "Who was that?"

"That was Coach McMillan. I'm in. They invited me." Jared laughs out loud. "I'm in, Jen." 

He throws his arms around Jensen's neck, hugging him happily. Jensen's laughing and his body vibrates beneath Jared's touch. He's so close and he smells so good and Jared wants. God, he wants so much. 

When he pulls back reluctantly, Jensen's face is right there, his lips only millimeters away. All Jared would have to do is lean in and kiss him. And maybe, just maybe, Jensen would kiss him back. But he can't risk it, can he? Jensen's friendship is too important. And he's getting married in a few weeks.

Jensen pulls away first, his face is flushed and Jared wonders if Jensen had been as affected by the hug as Jared had been. What does that mean? 

"I'm happy for you, Jay. Can't wait to play with you on the US team," Jensen says, but his voice is clipped. 

"Yeah, thanks, Jen. Me neither." Jared cocks his head. "Jen, are you okay?"

There's a tight smile on Jensen's face when he says, "I'm great, Jay. So, you wanna play now?"

Jared takes the controller from Jensen, feeling a little dumbfounded. Whatever just happened, it didn't just affect Jared apparently. But Jared isn't sure what this means; doesn't want to get his hopes up. 

"I now pronounce you husband and wife."

Jared doesn't know what he expected. He thinks he should have been prepared. But somehow he wasn't, so it's still a surprise when his heart feels like it's being ripped apart. 

The other wedding guests are clapping loudly and Josh even hollers, while Jared wishes for the ground to open and swallow him up. 

They all follow Danneel and Jensen out of the church, where his mom is already waiting for him. She gives him a tight hug and he hopes that none of his heartbreak shows on his face. 

"I can't wait for you to get married, JT. You'd look just as gorgeous as Jensen."

He swallows down the lump in his throat and nods. "Yeah, hopefully."

His mom laughs lightly. "I'm sure of it. Now you just have to find the right girl, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess so. But I'm still young, Mom. I don't wanna settle down right now. I'm concentrating on my soccer career."

His mom nods. "Of course, honey. But you never know when you’ll find your one true love."

Jared forces a smile, looking over to where Jensen is still accepting congratulations from their wedding guests. His heart twitches and he lets out a deep breath. Jensen's beaming at everyone, his arm is curled around Danneel's hips, keeping her close, and he's laughing softly at something his Aunt Mildred is saying. He looks so damn gorgeous in his black suit and the white shirt, that it takes Jared's breath away.

Jensen looks up and for a second their eyes meet across the shoulders of the wedding guests. Jensen's smile dims a little and Jared thinks that he sees something that's close to sadness in Jensen's eyes. But then Jensen's smile is back and the sadness is gone. He makes his way through the crowd, stopping in front of Jared. 

"Congrats, Jen," he grits out and Jensen wraps him up in a tight hug. 

"Thank you, Jay. Thanks for being my best man."

"Of course, Jen. Of course."

Jensen is being pulled away again and Jared makes his way to the reception, together with his parents and Megan. His fingers are curled around the piece of paper holding his speech and he tries to take some calming breaths. But it is kinda hard to concentrate on anything but the thought that Jensen is now married. He'll spend his life with Danneel, have 2.5 kids with her and plant a tree. 

The reception is loud and funny, but Jared isn't feeling it. He holds his speech, trying to get through it in a rush. Danneel has tears in her eyes and Jensen seems to be affected too, so he guesses he doesn't do too bad a job. 

He closes with the words, "This is the happiest I've ever seen Jensen. And I've known him all my life. I knew him when he fell in love with soccer and when he got his pro contract. I knew him when he went to prom with Cindy Sampson. But Danneel is the one making his heart shine. I love her for giving such happiness to my best friend. He couldn't have found a better girl to marry."

Jensen hugs him tight after the speech and Danni kisses his cheek, telling him what a good job he did, and all he can think of is getting out, getting away from the happy couple. 

He makes his way over to the little pond that's situated in the middle of the park they're having the wedding reception at, and finds a bench to sit down on. The loud voices and their laughter travel down to him every now and then, and he knows he should go back, but he can't deal with it. He's come so far. He’s held it together until now, but he's not strong enough to keep it up any longer. Maybe he should just get drunk. 

"I should have known it." Jared looks over his shoulder to see his mother walking towards him. She sits down next to him. 

"What do you mean, Mom?"

She looks at him sadly and touches his cheek gently. "Jensen. He's your one true love, isn't he?"

A shock goes through his body at his mom's words. How did she figure it out? Is he an open book when it comes to Jensen? Doesn't she care that her son is gay?

"It's okay, JT." She pets his cheek softly. "I don't care that you're gay. I just wish you’d have come and talked to me."

Jared shrugs awkwardly. "I didn't... I wasn't even sure that I am gay for the longest time."

"But you're sure now?" She doesn't sound condescending, just curious. "And you're in love with Jensen?"

Jared nods. "Yes, to both."

"Oh, baby. I'm sorry." She pulls him into a tight embrace. "I know it seems like your life is ending right now. But I promise you, it's not. And you'll get over him one day. You'll find someone who loves you the way you deserve."

Jared buries his head against his mom's neck. "I hope you're right, Mom."

Jensen steps out of the plane and into the Californian sun. 

He just came back from his honeymoon with Danneel on Hawaii and had immediately boarded a plane with Jared to get to the training center in LA for the qualification match. 

Jared's babbling away about some nonsense and Jensen's just happy letting his voice wash over him without really listening. It's just nice to have Jared in his space again. 

They haven't really talked since before the wedding. At the reception Jensen didn't really have the time, going from table to table and trying to divide his time between all his friends and relatives. And during the honeymoon it didn't really seem all appropriate to call Jared, even if he wanted to. 

So it's nice to listen to Jared chat about this and that. 

There's a driver waiting for them in the arrivals hall and they get taken to the hotel they're staying at. There's a meeting tonight where they'll meet Coach McMillan. Tomorrow the training will start and in two days the coach will announce the line-up for the game on Wednesday. 

It's no surprise to Jensen that the team assistant booked a room for them to share because he had already told her that they're best friends. 

The room is equipped with two queen beds, a TV and a minibar. The shower in the bathroom looks awesome and Jensen plans on taking advantage of it soon. But first he throws himself down on the bed, stretching his stiff limbs. 

When he opens his eyes again, Jared's looking at him with a heated look in his eyes, and Jensen feels this stupid warm feeling starting to burn in his belly. He blinks and gets up from the bed quickly. 

"I'm gonna take a shower, if that's okay?"

Jared nods rapidly. "Sure. Go ahead. I'll just watch TV for a while."

Jensen walks into the bathroom and locks the door behind him. It's stupid to get all flustered about Jared. He's married now, married and happy. When will these stupid pubertal feelings about Jared stop? They're best friends and Jensen is man enough to admit that Jared's a good-looking guy, but he's not gay. And neither is Jared. 

He takes a shower that helps him clear his head a little and when he walks back out with just a towel wrapped around his hips, because he forgot fresh clothes in his rush, he finds Jared asleep on his bed. His body is stretched out and his t-shirt has ridden up, showing a flash of tanned, muscled skin. 

The heat in his veins hits Jensen completely unexpectedly and he has to look away so as to not do something stupid, like touch Jared. He grabs his clothes quickly and rushes to get dressed before waking Jared. 

"Hey, Jay. Shower’s free."

Jared blinks his eyes open and for a second there's this beautiful soft smile displayed on his face, before he seems to realize where he is and it falls away again. Jensen wishes he could see that smile more often. 

Later, they go down to dinner, meeting with the rest of the team and getting to know the players they don't already know. After they're finished, McMillan herds them into a conference room and holds his opening speech, telling them to work hard, harder than they ever worked before, if they want to make the team. 

Jensen knows that working hard is not a problem, not for him and not for Jared. They're already so eager to play for the team that working hard won't be a problem. 

The coach is right; the training is harder than anything Jensen's used to. It's a lot of running combined with cardio and weight training. They practice special moves for the match against Canada, and the coach orders them to focus practice on one-two passes and crosses. 

Jensen is completely exhausted when he falls into bed at night. He doesn't even notice when Jared, who doesn't seem to be as exhausted as Jensen, turns off the lights. 

They're sitting in the conference room again two days later waiting for the coach to announce the line-up for tomorrow. 

Jensen's surprised when he finds himself on the starting line-up, but is very pleased with himself. Jared's on the roster as well, but he's on the bench first. For a first-timer that's a really good outcome, though. 

"You nervous?" Jensen asks when they're in the locker rooms the next night. Jared shrugs, but Jensen can see that he's totally nervous. "It'll get better when you're on the field."

Jared gives him a quick smile. "Thanks. It's just... it's the national team."

"Yeah, I know." Jensen nods. "But it's essentially just a team playing another team. Don't worry too much. You'll do great."

"If the coach will substitute someone for me."

"He will," Jensen says confidently. "You're too good not to bring in."

They walk out onto the field and Jensen gets goose bumps all over his body when they play the national anthem. He can see Jared standing tall and proud at the bench, belting out the lyrics. It makes Jensen smile and relax a little. 

The Canadians have first kick off and in the first ten minutes Jensen barely gets a second to take a breath. They're pushing for the US goal and Jensen runs and tackles and kicks the ball back into the mid field more often than he'd like. They really need to get a grip on the match, take back some control. 

It happens in the thirty-fifth minute of the game when Jensen loses his balance and hits the ground. The Canadian player passes by him and all Jensen can do is watch the inevitable happen. Toni and Ricardo lose their duels and Holland, their goalkeeper, almost catches the ball before it hits the net, but only almost. 

They're trailing Canada by one when the referee whistles for half-time. 

The coach tells them to fight harder and not to lose their confidence, because actually they're better than they look right now. 

The second half starts better for them and they even manage a tie. A win would make their chances so much better, though. And Coach McMillan seems to think so too because he brings Jared in fifteen minutes before the end of the game. 

They lock eyes when Jared walks onto the field and Jensen gives him a terse nod, which Jared returns. 

The time runs out quickly and soon there are only five minutes left. Jensen doesn't even believe that they'll win this game anymore. But then Austin passes the ball in the midfield over to Gomez who’s started in the direction of the Canadian goal. Jared's there, Jensen thinks, and suddenly everything goes by so fast that Jensen doesn't even know how it happened, but they scored. 

They win the game 2 - 1 and Jensen thinks the beers they're having at the hotel bar later are well deserved. 

He's still giddy when he and Jared stumble into their room after midnight. 

"You did it, Jay. You made the shot."

Jared beams. "I did. I'm awesome."

Jensen laughs. "You are." He throws his arms around Jared's neck, pulling him. "You really are."

Jared feels warm in his arms and he smells so damn good that Jensen can't help himself but to sniff him. He lets his hands roam over Jared's broad back, feeling the muscles twist underneath his fingers. 

Jensen thinks he should probably pull away, give Jared his space. But Jared feels so damn good in his arms that he can't bring himself to let go. 

Jared is the one to push Jensen away a little, but they're still close and Jared's lips are right there, red and plush and so damn tempting. 

"Jensen..." Jared breathes and Jensen is a little bit buzzed and a lot turned on, so he leans in and plants a sloppy kiss right on Jared's lips. Jared huffs out a breath. "What're you doing?" he asks, pulling away again, but Jensen won't let him, not now, not when he has him here and everything seems too good to be true. 

He kisses Jared again, pushing his tongue into Jared's mouth this time, and it shuts Jared right up. Jensen's fingers find their way into Jared's hair and they tumble down onto the bed. Their crotches are aligned and Jared's hard, just like Jensen. 

They're kissing passionately, their tongues fighting for control, while Jensen ruts their hips together. The friction on his dick is delicious and just thinking that this is Jared makes him so much harder. 

They haven't even really touched and Jensen is already so close. Jared's the one to pop open the buttons on their jeans and pull out both their dicks, wrapping his huge hand around both of them. Jensen's sure he could just come from the sight of Jared jerking them both, but he doesn't have time to think about it any longer, because Jared jerks them hard and quick, and Jensen's coming before he even realizes it. 

Jared's close behind him and both their spunk is soon covering his and Jared's t-shirt. Jensen's panting hard, resting his head on Jared's shoulder to catch his breath. For a second Jared seems okay with this, but then he pushes Jensen off him and gets to his feet. 

"I'm gonna clean up." He hurries into the bathroom and Jensen hears the door lock a second later. 

It brings him back to the present like a bucket of cold water. He lets out a deep sigh. Holy shit, what just happened? 

Did they seriously just do this? 

"You did what?" Tom sounds so completely shocked that it makes Jared feel even worse. "Jared, how could you?"

"He jumped me. What was I supposed to do?"

Tom sighs. "Push him away, tell him 'no'. Not jerk him off." He pauses and when he speaks his voice is sad. "He's married, Jay. Guys like him don't leave their wives and the white picket fence life they have just like that. It'll get ugly, Jay. And the only one with the broken heart will be you."

Jared rubs a hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I love him, Tom."

"He's not the right guy for you, Jay. You deserve someone who'll love you just as much as you love him."

"But he kissed me. Don't you think it meant something?" God, he sounds so damn pathetic, but he can't help himself. He wants it to mean something. They hadn't really talked about what happened and Jensen had faked deep sleep the whole flight back. But Jensen wouldn't have just kissed him if it didn't mean something, right? Jared can give him a little time to get his head straight. 

"Jared..." Tom says quietly. "You have to get over him. Go out, start dating. Please don't get hung up on Jensen. It won't end well."

Jared huffs out a breath. "And how do you think it'll go down with my team, the fans and the media if I start going out, start dating? What do you think?" It sounds more bitter than he wanted it to sound, but in the end he's not lying. Being gay is not accepted in soccer, or in pretty much any sport for that matter, so he can't just go out there and start dating guys. 

"You did it before, Jay."

He laughs humorlessly. "If you mean Dennis, it was only sex, there was no dating involved."

"Jay, I want you to be happy and it's breaking my heart to see you like this over a douchebag like Jensen."

"He's not a douchebag, Tom. Stop talking about him like that." Jared sighs. "He's probably just confused right now. He hasn’t done anything with a guy since he was a teenager."

"Don't make excuses for him, Jared."

The doorbell rings and Jared lets out a deep breath. "There's someone at the door. I have to go."

"Just be careful, Jay."

He cuts Tom off and makes his way over to the door, taking a deep breath before he opens it. Jensen stands in the hallway looking at him sheepishly, his hand rubbing the skin at his neck nervously. 

"Hey."

Jared smiles shyly. "Hi." He steps aside. "You wanna come in?"

Jensen nods and steps inside. Their arms brush and Jared has a hard time not grabbing him and slamming him up against the back of the door. Instead he follows Jensen down the hall and into the living room. The TV is showing a re-run of Home Improvement and Jensen grins when Tim once again blows something up. 

"So," Jared says, reaching for the remote. He turns the TV off and looks at Jensen. "What brings you here?"

"I just... I wanted to apologize for being an ass on the plane," Jensen replies softly. "We probably should've talked right away, but I was really confused."

Jared cocks his head and smiles fondly. "I get it. I was pretty much confused the whole time during puberty. It's not easy to figure out that you like guys."

Jensen's eyes widen. "But I'm not... I mean... I obviously like you, you're my best friend, but I'm not... You're gay?"

Jared nods slowly. "Yeah, I am."

"Well, I'm not. I love Danneel," Jensen rushes to say and Jared feels a lump building in his throat. So maybe Tom really was right and Jensen was just looking for a quick way to get off.

"I do care for you, Jay. I do." He steps closer, wrapping his fingers around Jared's wrists. "I just... my head's a mess right now. I can't lose you, Jay. That's all I know right now." 

Jensen's so close again and Jared has to close his eyes to escape the desperate look on Jensen's face. 

"Jay..." he whispers, his fingertips skittering gently over Jared's cheeks. "I wanna kiss you so bad right now. I... what's wrong with me, Jay? Why can't I get you out of my head?"

Jared blinks his eyes open and sees the tears shimmering in Jensen's eyes. He looks confused and frightened and while Jared should put a stop to this, whatever this is, now, he can't. He cups Jensen's face between his hands. 

"Not gonna lose me, Jen. I'm right here. Not going anywhere, not ever."

Jensen licks his lips. "Promise."

Jared doesn't think he has a choice, even if he wanted to, he can't leave Jensen behind. "Promise."

The kiss they share is soft and sweet and Jared melts into Jensen's touch. He doesn't know what they'll do or how things will turn out, but right now he really doesn't care. 

Jensen blinks his eyes open, smiling happily at the warm body next to him. He runs his hand down warm, naked skin. Muscles flex beneath his fingers and he feels his dick stir against his hip. They're both naked and Jensen rubs his cock against hard hipbones. 

"Hmm," comes a sound from the other side of the bed and Jensen scoots closer, pressing head to toe to the gorgeous body next to him. 

His hands find firm globes and he dips his fingers in between. Jared's still a little wet from the lube from last night and Jensen has no problem pushing a finger inside. It's hot and tight, and he brushes his fingertip over the spot inside Jared that drives him crazy. 

"Jen," Jared keens, pushing his ass back on his fingers. 

"So hot," he whispers against Jared's flushed skin. He pulls Jared closer, fitting his dick right between his ass cheeks. Adding another finger, he ruts his dick against Jared's ass. "Still loose from last night."

"Urgh, c'mon Jen, just do it. Don't tease."

Jensen chuckles. "But you like it when I tease you."

"Please, Jen..." 

Jensen can't really resist Jared's sweet begging, so he rolls on the condom and coats his dick with spit. He pushes inside slowly, dragging it out. Next to him Jared's writhing, pushing back to get him inside faster, but Jensen takes his sweet time. 

It may be a while before they can do this again, so he really wants to remember this. 

Jared's burning up inside and is so tight, the friction is delicious on his dick. Every single time they do this Jensen's in awe with how perfect they fit together. It always takes his breath away. 

They start moving together in a slow rhythm and Jensen reaches around, wrapping his fingers around Jared's hard dick. He can already feel his orgasm building in his toes, so he starts thrusting into Jared harder, faster, jerking him in a counter-rhythm. 

Jared comes before him, his head falls back and Jensen feels his whole body tense, before he relaxes. The muscles contracting around his dick are enough to push Jensen over the edge too. He comes, pressing his lips to Jared's shoulder blade to muffle the scream. 

He pulls out when he comes down from his high a moment later. The condom gets thrown in the trash and Jensen presses a last kiss to Jared's shoulder.

"I'm gonna go shower. Breakfast starts in 30 minutes."

Jared smirks at him. "You should come back to bed and make those 30 minutes count."

Jensen laughs. "Yeah, and miss the bus? Better not. The coach might be pissed."

Jared sighs. "Fine. Spoilsport. Go shower. I'll clean up after you."

The water is warm in the shower and washes away every single trace of evidence of what happened last night and this morning. It's been this way for almost two years. Away games and nights before home games actually, the only time they can spend the night together. 

Jensen swallows hard when he thinks why that is. He loves Danneel. She's his wife and he wouldn't have it any other way. But Jared? He's everything. Jensen needs him like he needs air, even if that makes him a selfish cheating prick. 

While Jensen gets dressed, Jared showers and thirty minutes later they're putting their duffel bags into the team bus, before making their way to breakfast. 

They get back to Munich around noon and Jensen invites Jared over for dinner the next night. Jared looks like he might say 'no' - he often looks that way, but he never actually says it - and then nods. 

Jensen gets into his Mercedes convertible and waves to his teammates one last time before putting the car in gear and driving home. Danneel's Mazda MX5 is parked in the driveway and he pulls up next to her. 

He finds her in the kitchen, skimming through some art magazine. "Hey, babe."

She smiles up at him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Hey, winner."

Jensen chuckles. "We should be happy we have Jared or we would have lost." 

Danni winks. "Maybe I should thank him then."

Guilt spreads through Jensen's veins and he pulls away from her, making his way over to the fridge. He pulls out a bottle of OJ and takes a sip. Soft arms wrap around his chest and he links their fingers together. 

"I have something to tell you," Danneel whispers softly and Jensen turns in her arms, raising his eyebrows in question. She smiles softly, pulling him down into a sweet kiss. 

"I'm pregnant."

"Danneel's pregnant."

Jared feels the words like a punch to the gut. He actually gets nauseous and fights the need to throw up right here. He knew that the day would come when his world would come crashing down. He'd been waiting for it for two years and yet he's completely unprepared. 

"That's..." he stutters. "That's great."

Jensen reaches out and Jared takes a step back. He can't stand Jensen touching him right now.

"Jay..."

"Don't." Jared shakes his head and takes another step back. "Just don't."

"I'm... we didn't plan this. It just happened. Please, Jay. You promised you wouldn't leave."

Jensen sounds wrecked and Jared really wants to comfort him right now, but if he touches Jensen now, he'll crumble and he doesn't want Jensen to see what this is doing to him. 

"I'm not." He shakes his head. "I just need a little time to get used to it."

Jensen lets out a deep breath. "Thank you."

"Can I call you?"

A hurt look appears on Jensen's face when he realizes that Jared's asking him to leave, but he nods nonetheless. "Sure."

Jared forces a smile. "I'll see you later then."

Jensen trudges out of the apartment and when the door closes behind him, Jared lets the tears flow. It's stupid and pathetic but he can't help it. Deep down he had hoped that Jensen would realize that it's Jared he wants. 

But like Tom said, it'll never happen. He dials Tom's number, pacing his apartment while the dial tone plays _In Da Club_.

"Hey, Jay. What's up?"

"Danni's pregnant."

There's a pause and then Tom says, "Well, shit. How're you doing, Jay?"

Jared huffs out a breath. "What? No 'I told you so'?"

"Jared..."

Jared sighs. "Sorry. I'm just... I don't know."

"What did Jensen say?"

Jared rubs a hand over his face. "That they didn't plan this and that he doesn't want to lose me."

Tom snorts. "Well that's rich."

"Tom, please."

"It's true, Jay. He's using you and he's using Danneel. He's old enough to make a fucking decision."

Jared stops at his living room windows, seeing that it started raining sometime over the last hour. The sky is gray and thick clouds hang in the air. 

"What am I gonna do, Tom?"

"I think you already know my answer to the question, Jay. But I'm not gonna tell you again. I'm here, if you wanna talk. Do what you think is best for you."

Two days later Jared stands in front of Jensen's door, waiting for someone to answer it. He's holding a small brown teddy in the one hand and a bottle of the most expensive whiskey he could find on short notice. 

Danneel opens it and a smile spreads across her face. "Jared." She pulls him into a hug and he returns it whole-heartedly. He tried to hate her, he really did, but he never could. She's all smiles and witty responses and she keeps Jensen on his toes, so it's really fucking hard to not like her, even if she has everything Jared dreams of. "It's good to see you. C'min."

She drags him inside and he follows her into the living room, where Jensen's sitting on the couch zapping through the channels. 

"Babe, look who's here."

Jensen looks up and his eyes widen slightly. "Jay, hey. What're you doing here?"

Jared shrugs awkwardly, holding up first the teddy and then the whiskey. "Thought we’d celebrate a little." He can actually see the tension fall off Jensen's shoulders and he relaxes a little too. "Sorry." He smiles softly at Danneel. "Guess the whiskey is not for you, though."

Danni laughs and pulls him into another hug. "I'll take the teddy then." She grabs the teddy out of his hands and snuggles it to her chest. "It's so soft. Thank you, Jay. We love it already."

Jared swallows down the lump in his throat and nods, forcing a smile. "I'm glad." He looks over at Jensen. "So, whiskey?"

They get seriously drunk and Jared can't really remember anything of what went down when he wakes up that night, his bladder so full it's hurting. He's in Jensen's guest room, so he guesses he can't have fucked up too much if Danneel’s still lets him sleep here. 

The hallway is silent when he makes his way to the bathroom and relieves himself. On the way back though, he hears soft voices coming from Jensen and Danneel's bedroom. He shouldn't snoop. He really shouldn't. Snooping is bad. He stops anyway. The door to the room is left ajar and while he can't see anyone in the dark, he can hear their voices perfectly. 

"Are you happy, Jen?"

"What? Of course, I'm happy, Danni. Why do you ask?"

There's a pause and then Danneel says, "You've been so tense since I told you about the baby. I know it's not what we planned, but I'm really happy about it and I want you to be happy too."

"Danni," Jensen says softly and Jared can just imagine how he would touch her cheek gently, maybe kiss her softly. He should really go to bed. All he is doing is torturing himself. "I love you and I love our baby."

Jared staggers back, feeling the words like a physical punch. Of course Jensen loves Danni and the baby. He always wanted kids. He loves kids. And it's not like Jared could give him that. What's he even doing here? Jensen's not his to make happy. Danni can give him everything he wants and Jared can't. 

He makes his way back to the guest room and grabs his things, leaving a note that he had an early appointment. He doesn't want to worry either Jensen or Danneel, but he can't stay here a second longer. 

There's no way he can avoid Jensen forever because, for one, they have to be at practice tomorrow, and two, he can't quit him cold turkey, but he has to find a way to slowly draw back, to end this thing between Jensen and him. 

He'd rather break his promise than to see Jensen lose his family. Jared will deal with the fallout. He'll find a way to deal with his feelings eventually. It'll be okay. 

Jensen doesn't seem to like that idea at all, because after training the next day he confronts Jared in the parking lot. 

"What's going on, Jay? I thought we were cool."

Jared shakes his head. "Not here," he says and he sees that Jensen wants to argue. "You really want to do this while we're in public?"

Jensen sighs. "Meet you at your apartment."

They get there a little later and Jared lets them inside. He kicks off his shoes and grabs them both something to drink. 

"So?" Jensen asks. "What's going on? There was no early appointment, was there?"

Jared shakes his head. "No, Jen. There wasn't. But I can't do this anymore. We need to stop."

Jensen frowns. "What do you mean?" he asks carefully and Jared sighs. 

"This." He motions between them. "You and me, whatever the fuck it is we do. We need to stop."

"But Jay, you can't mean that." Jensen sounds confused and Jared wonders if it's really so hard to understand. And maybe for Jensen it is; right now he's having his cake and eating it too, it probably seems nice and easy to him. 

"I do, Jen." He huffs out a breath. "You’re gonna be a dad soon. You can't go around fucking your best friend behind your wife's back."

"Jared..."

"No. You always wanted kids, a wife and a white picket fence. You have that." Jared pinches the bridge of his nose. "Besides, I can't do this anymore. It's too much."

"What are you talking about, Jay?"

"I need to stop doing this, because I'm already in too deep and if I don't stop now I'll never stop." He shakes his head at the confused look on Jensen's face. "Don't you get it, Jen? I'm in love with you." Jensen's eyes widen slightly at the confession and Jared asks himself if Jensen really wasn't aware of his feelings. "But I've realized that I won't ever be able to give you what you need and want. So we need to stop."

Jensen shakes his head. "No. I need you. I want you."

Jared chuckles humorlessly. "But you want Danneel too." Jensen looks stricken but doesn't deny it. "It's been two years, Jen. You have a family now. I'm not gonna be the reason you lose that."

Jensen steps closer. "You promised you wouldn't leave."

"I'm not. I'll still be your friend, Jen. But nothing more." He turns away from his friend. "Go home, Jen. Danni is waiting for you."

"Jay..." 

"Just go, Jen. Please."

It takes a long time before Jared hears Jensen's footsteps leaving the room and the front door closing. He knows he did the right thing, should have done it a long time ago, and yet it feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest and cut into pieces. He wonders if it'll ever feel whole again. 

"Jay, I could really use your help here," Danneel says, letting out a sigh. "Just tell Jensen that we're not naming our kid after any of our relatives."

Jared smiles amusedly, crossing his arms over his chest while he leans against the kitchen counter, watching Danneel prepare the salad for dinner. 

"Jen, Danni doesn't want to name your kid after your relatives."

"I think Rosalie is a pretty name."

Jared almost snorts his drink all over the counter when Jensen says it. "You don't even like Aunt Rosalie," he coughs. 

Jensen shrugs, getting the steaks out of the fridge. "My mom wants us to use a family name and Rosalie is so much better than Mildred."

Danneel rolls her eyes. "Well, I don't really care what your mom says, Jen." She rubs a hand over her huge belly. "This is our baby, not hers. And I want a name that's new, fresh, something we haven't had yet."

"Well, you’ve already decided on Alexandra," Jared says, trying to help. 

Danneel cocks her head. "What names do you like, Jay?"

Jared looks over to Jensen, who shoots him a curious glance. He shrugs. "Don't know. I've always liked Elise. Thought that's a name I'd use if I ever have a kid. Not that that's gonna happen."

Danneel squints. "Jay, you're only twenty-two. There's lots of time to find the right girl."

Jared huffs out a humorless laugh. He hasn't told Danni that he's gay, hasn't gotten up the nerve to do it. She's from Texas after all. But he's a little sick of her always trying to set him up. 

Before he can think about it, he says, "Danni, I'm gay."

She blinks, looking at him a little surprised. "Oh..." She breathes, before saying, "Well, there's always adoption, right?"

Jared smiles a little at her casual response. He really shouldn't have worried that she'd take it badly. "I guess there is, maybe."

Danneel turns to Jensen, who's looking at Jared with shocked eyes. "Honey, can you turn on the grill?"

It takes Jensen a moment to snap out of it, but then he nods. "Sure." 

As soon as the terrace door closes behind him, Danneel turns back to Jared, looking at him with worry in her eyes. "He knew, right?"

"Yeah, he did."

She nods. "Is that why things are a little strained between you two right now?"

The casualness with which she asks it has Jared almost choking on his own spit. He coughs heavily and Danneel slaps his back a couple of times before he can breathe again. Jared had honestly thought that he and Jensen had been good enough actors to make Danni believe that everything's perfectly OK between them, even though things aren't really. 

"Y'know, with him being from Texas and his family really being on the conservative side, I assume it'd be hard from him to get used to it," Danni says. "But he's still your best friend and he'll get used to it."

Jared nods, not feeling able to talk yet. 

"So, is there someone in your life then?

"No," Jared says slowly. "It's not really easy to date when you're in the public eye. Soccer players just aren't gay, y'know?"

Danneel nods slowly, looking sad. "I know." She presses a quick kiss to his cheek. "You'll be okay, Jay. You'll find someone."

"Thanks, Danni." Jared smiles fondly at her. "For accepting this so easily."

She grins at him. "Dude, of course. You're still you. And Jensen'll realize that soon too."

Danneel fell asleep a little while ago and Jensen sits next to her hospital bed, gently holding on the little bundle in his arms. His daughter is beautiful, rosy cheeks and deep blue eyes. The little hair she already has is light blond and feels so soft. She smells amazing and Jensen can't take his eyes from her little fingers and toes. They're so small. She's so small and she's all his. 

There's a soft knock on the door and a moment later Jared pushes his head through. He looks a little rushed, his hair standing up in every direction, but there's a soft smile on his face when his eyes land on Jensen. 

"C'min," Jensen says quietly. 

Jared makes his way over on silent feet, his eyes trained on Jensen's face the whole time. "Hey, Daddy."

Jensen grins up at him. "Hi. Meet Alexandra Elise Ackles, Jay. Your goddaughter."

Jared looks surprised and touched that in the end they went with the middle name he suggested and Jensen feels his heart speed up a little at the pride he finds on Jared's face. 

"She's beautiful, Jen. You and Danni did well."

"You wanna hold her?"

Jared looks a little undecided for a moment, but then he beams at Jensen and nods. Carefully Jensen places his daughter in her godfather's arms. Their fingers brush for only a second, but it sends fireworks through Jensen's body. He looks up at Jared and he sees the same emotions displayed in his eyes. They're so close and Jensen would just have to lean up and press his lips to Jared's. God, he wants that so much. 

How can you be in love with two people at once?

The thought hits Jensen out of the blue and it makes him step closer to Danni's bed, away from Jared. He's in love with Danni. He can't be in love with Jared too. There's no such thing as loving two people at once. 

He's missed Jared like a limb over the last few months, even though Jared had been right there, had kept his promise to be there as his friend. But it is different and it confuses the hell out of him. 

Seeing Jared with his daughter makes Jensen's heart ache for something and he isn't even sure he knows what it is. Jared's so big, holding Alex as if she's the most precious little girl in the world. There's this soft, loving smile displayed on his face and Jensen feels the warmth spread in his veins he always feels when Jared's smiling like this. 

"She's so tiny, Jen."

Jensen chuckles softly. "I know. It's a miracle, right?"

Jared nods seriously. "It really is. I'm real happy for you and Danni, Jensen."

"Uncle Jay!"

Jared laughs and picks Alex up, swinging her around, before setting her on his shoulders. He jogs over to where Jensen's manning the grill and she lets out a gleeful scream. 

"Look Daddy! Big!"

Jensen laughs, looking up at her. "You're really big, pumpkin."

Jared winks at his best friend and runs around the backyard with Alex on his shoulders, urging him to go faster. He's panting when he finally grabs her and stuffs her under his arm, carrying her over to Danneel.

"Found something for you."

Danneel laughs and picks up her daughter, setting her down on her own feet again. "Wanna go wash up, Alex?"

"Uncle Jay too," she says and pulls on Jared's arm, dragging him into the guest bathroom on the first floor. 

They wash their hands and Jared shows his to Alex for inspection. She nods, seeming content with the state of his hands. 

"Clean."

Jared grins. "Good. Now we can eat."

They make their way back outside, where Tom and Jamie have arrived by now. Danneel had insisted on inviting Jared's friends for his goodbye party and he couldn't really stop her from calling Tom, without telling her why Tom doesn't like Jensen at all. 

"Jay, man. I can't believe you're exchanging Bavaria for Barcelona," Tom says, pulling him into a quick hug. 

"What can I say, the money was just too good to pass up," he says and winks. 

They both know that money isn't the big factor here, but that FC Barcelona is one of the best soccer clubs in Europe. And it's time for a change. Jared's been feeling stuck for a while now. He loves playing for Bayern and he's won everything there is: the Bundesliga championship three times, the DFB Cup three times and the Champions League once. 

And yet he's feeling unsettled in his own skin. So the offer came just at the right time and he jumped on it. Benny, his manager, had told him that he'd be stupid not to take the deal with the money they're offering. But Jared doesn't care about the money. He cares about getting out of the routine that's been eating at him for years. 

In a few weeks the World Cup will start and he and Jensen are leaving the next day for training camp, while Tom will join the German team. After, Jared will go home to Texas for a little while to visit his parents, who moved back a few years ago. And then Barcelona will be waiting for him. 

So, today is practically the last day they'll have to be together and enjoy a nice BBQ. It's a good thing that the weather god is on their side and it's sunny and warm right now. 

Alex settles on Jared's lap after dinner, coloring in her coloring book, while Jared jokes and laughs with Tom and Jensen. It feels easy tonight. Tom is relaxed and he seems to have set a truce with Jensen for the time being. Danneel and Jamie get along really well too. 

It's a nice night and Jared knows that he will miss this. Not the constant ache for Jensen in his chest when he looks at him, though. That's something he looks forward to finally getting over.

Alex falls asleep snuggled in Jared's arms and when Jensen leans down to pick her up and carry her upstairs, he says, "Sometimes I think she loves you more than me."

Jared laughs softly, so that he doesn't wake her. "Aww, Jen. Jealous?" Jensen pouts a little and Jared pats his arm. "Don't worry, you're her dad. I'm just the guy who gives her candy when nobody is looking."

Jared ends up following Jensen upstairs to help put Alex to bed, because he wants to say goodbye, not knowing when he'll be able to spend some time with his goddaughter again. 

"I can't believe you're leaving, Jay," Jensen says when he pulls the door to Alex's room closed. 

"Jen, we talked about this. It's a great opportunity."

Jensen nods. "I just... I'll miss you. I've gotten used to you always being around."

Jared laughs. "Man, you and Danni must be so sick of me always being here. You should totally enjoy the Jared-free time."

Something flashes through Jensen's eyes. He grabs hold of Jared's wrist. "Don't think that, Jay. We love having you here."

Jared claps Jensen's shoulder. "Dude, I was joking. I know, okay. I know. But I need a change. Maybe finally meet someone myself."

Jensen looks down, letting go of Jared's wrist instantly. "Of course."

Jared hasn't dated anyone, not for years, not since Dennis. There've been one-night-stands since the thing with Jensen ended, but nothing more, and Jared craves someone he can come home to. It hasn’t gotten any easier for gay players, but Jared doesn't really want to hide anymore, either. 

The press calls him the eternal single and Benny is happy to work that angle. He's often tried setting Jared up with models and actresses, but then Jared told him that he doesn't want that and why he doesn't want it. So Benny, even though he can be a persistent asshole, backed off and worked the angle of the gorgeous rich guy who can't find a decent woman to settle down with. It's been working well for Jared so far. 

"Hey, Jen. We've done it before." Jared grins. "And now we can skype."

Jensen chuckles. "I wonder who I'll have to share a room with now."

"You won't have to deal with my gas anymore."

"Haha, that's true."

They make their way back downstairs, where Jared says goodbye to Tom and Jamie. It'll be at least a year until he'll see them again for a relaxed evening. He might see Tom on the pitch this summer though, depending on how far their teams go. 

Jared and Jensen leave for training camp the next morning. Coach Fitch is a hard ass and drags them literally through the mud. Each day Jared falls down more exhausted than the day before. His limbs are hurting, and going by the moans that come from Jensen's bed, he's not doing any better. 

They get to the Park Hyatt in Hamburg a week before the tournament starts. The training sessions get a little easier but Jared's still feeling tired and exhausted. Danneel comes up with Alex, but they are staying in a different room and with all the training and strategy meetings, Jensen spends very little time with them, complaining every night to Jared. 

The tournament begins with a very bad start. They lose their first game to the Czechs 3-0 and it doesn't get better after that. They are able to come away with a tie against the highly ranked Italians, but lose their last game against Ghana 2-1, which means they're going home, with one point and six goals scored against them. 

It's depressing really and Jared goes home to Texas to lick his wounds, while Jensen goes back to Munich with his family. 

He feels a little better when he arrives in Barcelona four weeks later. The disgrace of the World Cup not forgotten but he had gotten over it little by little. 

Jensen's starting training in a few days too and they talk via Skype, catching up on their summer. Alex is always on her dad's lap when Jared calls and shows him pictures she drew for him. Danneel even puts some of them in an envelope and mails them to him. He decorates his fridge with them. 

Training is good, his teammates are mostly great. There are a couple who think that they're a lot better than they really are, but Jared's dealt with those type before and it keeps the competition high. Everyone wants to be on the starting roster for the first game of the season. 

Jared meets Miguel in a bar a few weeks after getting to Barcelona. He's witty and smart, totally gorgeous too, with thick dark hair and chocolate colored skin. They get close very quickly, and while he's not Jensen and Jared will never be able to forget about Jensen completely, Jared can totally see a relationship with him. 

Miguel is not out either and they decide to keep their relationship a secret for now. He tells Jensen, Danneel and Tom about him, but says that for now they're keeping the relationship to themselves. 

Jared comes out to his family over Christmas, though. He doesn't tell them that he's seeing someone; just that he thinks it's time to finally come clean. His mom already knew, of course, and it gives Jared hope that the rest of his family will be as accepting. He shouldn't have worried about it. They all tell him that it's okay and that they still love him no matter what. They also promise to keep it to themselves for now, until Jared's ready to come out publicly, if he ever chooses to do so. 

Over the summer he takes Miguel to Munich with him, introducing him to Jensen, Danneel and Alex. He hits it off immediately with Danni and Alex, but Jensen's oddly distant. Jared doesn't really know what's going on; he really thought Jensen would be happy for him. 

"What's going on, Jen? I thought you'd be happy for me."

Jensen shrugs. "I am. I just... do you think Miguel is the right guy for you?"

"What are you talking about, Jen. Miguel is great, smart, funny, loving. He's perfect."

"And do you love him?" Jensen asks. "Do you really love him, Jay?"

Jared frowns. It can't be, can it? "Are you jealous, Jensen? That's..." He shakes his head. "I can't believe you."

"I'm not jealous, Jay. I'm not. I just think he's not good enough for you."

"And who do you think is good enough for me?" 

Jensen looks stricken when he looks up at him. "I don't know, Jay."

"Well, then stop, Jen," Jared spits out. "Stop trying to put Miguel in a bad light. I'm happy."

"Are you?" 

Jared nods vehemently. "I am."

"I don't think you are, Jay," Jensen says slowly. "I know how you look when you're really happy. I know the kind of smile that appears on your face when everything's right in your world. I know you."

Jared swallows hard. "Well, if you know me so well, you’d know that the first spot in my heart is already filled. And while you have Danni and Alex, I need to find something that comes even a little bit close to what I feel for you. And Miguel makes me happy."

"Jared..." Jensen breathes. Sadness washes over his face and Jared wants to punch him for making him feel guilty for uttering his feelings. "I didn't know. I thought..."

"Well, you thought wrong, Jen. You thought wrong."

He makes his way back out onto the terrace and tells Danni that he's sorry but something came up and they need to leave. He takes Miguel back to the hotel and fucks him bent over the couch in the living room of their suite. 

Jensen calls him three days later and apologizes wholeheartedly; telling Jared that he's happy if Jared's happy and he'll support him no matter what. Jared, of course, forgives him. He never tells Miguel what went down that day, but their relationship starts to crumble nonetheless. Maybe it's because Jared's heart isn't really in it and while he really cares for Miguel, he doesn't love him, not enough to fight for him. 

He wins the Champions League, the Spanish Championship and the Copa del Rey with Barcelona that season, and while he's on top of his game, his private life is crumbling beneath his feet. He still feels unsettled, turning back to quick sex in dark alleys and back rooms of certain clubs. 

In the end he can probably be glad that he isn't found out and there aren’t any pics of him sucking dick plastered all over the tabloids. 

Alex is five, and they've been skyping almost every night for the last couple of years, when she asks when he's coming home. 

"I miss you, Uncle Jay."

Jared has a hard time keeping the tears in check. "I miss you too, princess."

He talks it over with Benny, knowing that there are several offers on the table for the next few years. But he tells him in no uncertain terms that he wants to go back to Bayern Munich. 

Jensen stops the car in the driveway. Jared's coming back tonight and he just checked the apartment he’s helped Jared rent for the time being. Everything's set for Jared to move in. The paint jobs are done and the floor has been refinished. He has filled the fridge with necessities and the truck with Jared's furniture will get here some time tomorrow. 

Danneel invited Jared to stay the night at their house and to have a little celebration that he's coming back home. Jared had happily agreed to their invitation for dinner, but he would not be staying the night with them. 

He finds Danneel in the kitchen preparing the lasagna for tonight. "Hey, babe." He drops a kiss to her head. 

"Everything ready?"

"Yup, Jared can move right in. I've put up a mattress for him tonight."

Danneel nods, contemplative. "Don't you think it's weird that Jared doesn't want to stay the night in the guest room anymore?"

Jensen shrugs awkwardly. "I'm sure he has his reasons."

"You didn't say anything to him, did you?"

"What?" Jensen asks, feeling his hands getting sweaty. 

"I just mean," Danneel sighs. "I didn't wanna bring it up, but ever since Jared came out to me, even before that, something's been different between you two. You don’t really have a problem with Jared being gay, right?"

Jensen rubs a hand over his face. "Really, Danni? No, I don't have a problem with Jared being gay. It's just... we grew up. We're not the same guys we used to be. Life happened to both of us."

Danneel holds up her hands in defense. "Jeez, you don't have to get so snappy about it."

"I'm sorry." Jensen sighs. "I didn't mean it like that. It's just that we both grew up."

"You miss him, don't you?" 

Jensen closes his eyes. "A lot," he admits. "He's my best friend, Danni. I got used to having him around again."

She kisses him softly. "I know." She pauses. "Why don't you get Alex? It's almost time to pick Jared up."

Jensen makes his way upstairs. The door to his daughter's room is open and he finds her in between a pile of her Barbie's clothes. 

"Daddy, I can't find the red shoe. Please help."

Jensen grins. "Not now, honey. It's almost time to pick up Uncle Jay and you need to get ready to go."

Alex immediately jumps to her feet. "Yay!" She runs past him and down the stairs. 

"Alexandra Elise, no running in the house," he yells after her, but he doesn't hear her slow down. He shakes his head and follows her. 

She's pulling on her shoes when he reaches the bottom of the stairs. He proudly watches her tie her shoes the way Danneel showed her a few weeks ago. 

"Will Uncle Jay read to me tonight?"

"If you ask him really nicely." 

Alex nods seriously. "I will. He can read Bibi Blocksberg to me."

Jensen picks her up and swings her around. "I'm sure he will. So, you wanna go and pick Uncle Jay up?"

"Yes! Momma, we go and pick up Uncle Jay."

Danneel appears in the doorway and smiles. "Sure, baby. Dinner will be ready when you get back." She drops a kiss to Alex's hair. "Drive safe."

Jensen rolls his eyes. "Don't I always?"

They get to the airport and Jared's flight seems to have been a little early, because it's already landed. Alex holds on to his hand tightly, while she jumps along, chatting about her day at day care. Jensen barely hears anything his daughter says, though, because his heart is speeding up the closer they get to the arrivals hall. 

He's nervous as hell and he honestly doesn't know why. It's not like he’s never picked Jared up from the airport before. But this time Jared's coming back to stay. Jensen wonders for a second if Jared had been this nervous when Jensen moved to Germany all those years ago. 

They don't have to wait long before the tall frame of Jared's body steps through the doors. He beams when he sees them and Jensen returns it. 

Alex pulls away from Jensen's hand. "UNCLE JAY!" 

She's running towards him and Jared picks her up, swinging her around. Jensen makes his way slowly over to where Jared's standing now. 

"Hey, Jay."

Jared's eyes land on him and Jensen's heart jumps in his chest at the soft smile that spreads on his friend's face. "Hi."

"It's good to have you home."

Jared nods and then laughs, pulling Jensen into a tight hug. "It's good to be home."

The drive back is filled with Jared and Alex's chatter and Jensen just enjoys listening to them. He laughs when Jared laughs so hard he has a coughing fit when Alex tells the story about Jensen sitting down on Danneel's freshly baked apple pie. They stop at a flower shop, so Jared can get Danni some flowers and Jensen thinks he hasn't lost his touch in all these years. 

Danneel beams when Jared hands her the flowers and gives Jensen a pointed look, which he chooses to ignore. Jared drops a kiss to her cheek and Jensen smiles. They've always gotten along well, better than Jensen ever could have wished for. But it makes him unbelievably happy because these are the three most important people in his life and he doesn't know what he'd do if Jared and Danneel didn’t get along at all. 

After dinner Jared plays with Alex until it's bedtime. 

"Will you read to me Uncle Jay? Bibi Blocksberg?"

Jared smiles. "I'd be honored to read to you."

They take Alex to bed together. Danneel tells her daughter goodnight first and then it's Jensen's turn to tuck her in and wish her a goodnight. Jared's last, settling next to her on the bed. He grabs the book and softly starts reading to her. 

Jensen should really go downstairs and help Danneel clean up, but he can't tear his eyes away from Jared reading to his daughter. Jared would have been an amazing dad. His heart aches a little for Jared. 

Jared finishes the chapter and Alex snuggles into her pillow. "Can you turn on the music box?" 

It's the music box that Jared had gotten her for her second birthday. It plays Fur Elise and Alex won't sleep without hearing it one more time. Jared turns it on and places a soft kiss on her forehead. 

"Love you, Uncle Jay."

"I love you too, princess."

He makes his way over to the door and pulls it until it's almost closed. He doesn't seem to have noticed Jensen standing in the hallway, because he jumps a little when he turns around. 

"Jen, jeez, you scared me."

"Sorry." He takes a step closer into Jared's space, wrapping his fingers around Jared's right wrist. The pulse is beating quickly underneath the skin. "I miss you, Jay."

Jared pulls away and shakes his head. "No, we're not doing this here or anywhere else. You have a family, Jen. You can't just say these things to me."

Jensen hangs his head. He knows that, but he can't help himself. A part of him hates himself for that. 

"I'm sorry." He takes a step back. "I shouldn't have."

"No, you really shouldn't." Jared rubs a hand over his face and sighs. "Let's go down, Danneel's probably already waiting for us."

Jared should have known that it would happen one day. He's gotten by with sneaking around for way too long. So when it happens, it doesn't even really surprise him. Actually it kind of takes a huge load off his shoulders. 

Benny stares at him in shock for a long while, but then offers his full support. He's already spinning the angles he can to work the whole thing. 

Danneel and Alex are spending the afternoon at a friend's place, so it's just Jensen and him, when Jared says, "I'm gonna come out."

Jensen practically spits his coffee all over the kitchen counter, when he splutters, "What? Are you insane?"

Jared sighs. "Someone saw me, took a picture of me too."

"So?" Jensen asks, clearly not getting it. 

"Someone has evidence of me sucking cock, Jensen," Jared explains bluntly and rolls his eyes at the way Jensen blushes. "And I won't wait for it to hit the tabloids. I wanna come out on my own terms and not because some frigging pictures turned up in Bild."

"But Jay, what do you think people will say?"

"Honestly?" He replies, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I don't even care anymore, Jen. I'm so sick and tired of hiding. Yes, I'm a pro soccer player and I'm gay. So where's the problem?"

Jensen looks at him and the worry in his eyes hits Jared right in his gut. "I don't want you to get hurt, Jay. This is Germany and people might be a little more accepting, but even here..." He sighs. "People will be assholes, Jared."

"I know, Jen. I know. But I think people will be great too."

"Did you talk to the team? The coach?"

Jared shakes his head. "I wanted to tell you first."

Jensen nods. "Thanks. I guess from now on we won't be rooming together anymore, huh?

Jared blinks, confused. "Why would we not room together anymore? We've shared a room for years."

"Jared..." Jensen starts carefully. "People will talk, will draw conclusions."

"So?"

"I'm not gay, Jared."

The words are like a slap to Jared's face and he huffs out a humorless laugh. "Really, Jen? So what? You can't be seen with me anymore? Can't share a room with me because people might think you turned into a fag as well?"

A chastised look appears on Jensen's face. "I didn't say that." 

"No, but you sure as hell meant it," Jared spits out, pushing away from the kitchen counter he'd been leaning on. "I can't believe you, Jensen."

"I'm sorry, Jay."

Jared shakes his head, disappointed. "Save it, Jen." He chuckles darkly. "Y'know, you were never sorry when I was sucking _your_ dick."

Jensen recoils visibly and for a fraction of a second Jared feels the satisfaction the reaction brings with it, before the guilt takes over again. Jensen didn't grow up with accepting parents or in a liberal home. He had to go to church every Sunday and listen to the priest talk about the abomination that is homosexuality. 

But he's over thirty now and Jared had hoped that one day Jensen would at least acknowledge that he's attracted to men, to Jared. It would help Jared to not feel like he's not enough and was just a willing hole for Jensen to get off on. 

Jensen's shoulders fall and he shakes his head. "I am sorry, Jay." He looks up and there are tears in his eyes. Jared can't remember the last time when he saw Jensen cry and it hits him deep in his gut. "For everything. I just... I do care for you, Jay. You're my best friend. One of the most important people in my life."

Bitterness flares up in Jared. He knows he's Jensen's best friend, knows that Jensen cares for him. But apparently it's not enough. 

"Just not important enough to share your room with." He shakes his head. "You really so hung up on your 'straight' reputation?" He grabs his wallet and keys. "I need to go. Tell Danni and Alex, I said 'hi'. I'll see them later."

He goes and a part of him waits for Jensen to follow him, but the front door closes behind him without any indication that Jensen even tried to stop him. He feels tears well up behind his eyes but swallows them down. He's not gonna cry over Jensen, not ever again. 

Jared comes out on national TV and the news hit the tabloids and the internet in seconds. It spreads like wildfire and overnight Jared's not just known as one of the best soccer players in the world, but also as the first gay player ever. 

Reactions differ greatly, from people who come up to him on the streets to congratulate him, to people who yell slurs after him and change the side of the road they're on. Facebook and Twitter explode with hate campaigns as much as with love and support campaigns. 

Benny does his best to keep it all away from Jared, but he sees enough of the bad, but also the good things. He's the tabloid talk for months and Benny herds him from talk show to talk show, makes him tell his story. The hosts are all very supportive, checking with him which questions are okay and which aren't beforehand. 

Danni and Tom are his strongest supporters through it all. His relationship with Jensen's still pretty strained after the fight they had, but Jensen does his best to show his support. Especially since his parents are totally appalled by Jared's lifestyle and urge Jensen to not be friends with him anymore. 

They still do share a room and when Jared asks him, kinda bitter, if he really wants that, Jensen shrugs and nods. He apologizes for being an asshole and Jared forgives him, but it put a dent in their friendship. 

Seven-year-old Alex shocks him a little when he tells her that instead of girls, like her dad, he likes boys. She bursts into tears and is barely consolable because now Uncle Jay won't be able to marry her anymore. Jared takes a long time to dry her tears, but he promises her that he still loves her and that she's his favorite girl. They do have a banana split after that seems to put Alex in a good mood again. 

During the summer, they play the World Cup in South Africa and Jared's a little nervous beforehand. While his teammates and most players in the Bundesliga are either supportive or at least not openly hostile, he doesn't know how other players or officials will react. Slurs and insults are a common occurrence on every soccer field, but it's the reactions off-field Jared's fearing a little. 

Jensen tells him that he will kick the ass of anyone who insults Jared or acts like an asshole. 

This time they even make it to the knock-out phase, where they lose against Ghana again. But at least they don't go home in disgrace as they did at the World Cup 2006. 

Jared goes home with a lighter heart. The insults were kept within reason. There's always one or two who don't know when to stop. But most just want to play soccer, just like Jared. 

The next season is harder than Jared thought it would be. Nothing seems to work the way they, the players, the coach and the officials want it to work. They're knocked out of the Champions League in the round of the best sixteen and Dortmund is playing one of the best seasons they've ever played, keeping Jared's team at arm's length. They don't even win the Cup, losing the semi-final to Schalke 04. 

Jared flies home to visit his parents that summer. He really needs a few weeks to let his mom pamper him and his oppressed soccer soul. He hangs out with Megan and goes to visit Jeff and his family. 

The one time he sees Donna on the streets, she gives him a disgusted look and quickly turns away from him. He tries not to care, but if he's honest, it still hurts. She's been like a second mother to him for most of his teenage life. 

Jared's on his way home from the bar at the corner of Jeff's street. It's only a fifteen minutes’ walk and Jared enjoys walking in the warm night air. He doesn't see them, will probably never really remember where they came from. 

"Hey, faggot!"

Jared freezes, slowly turning around. There are three guys standing behind him on the sidewalk. One is swinging a baseball bat. 

"I'm just on my way home," Jared says steadily. 

"Uh huh. Don't you think it's disgusting that someone lets him sleep in their home, Ryan?" The one with the baseball bat says. 

The guy on his left, Ryan, spits on the floor. "Really disgusting."

"Guys, I don't want any trouble. I'm just gonna go home now."

Jared turns away from them and he really shouldn't have. Maybe then he would have seen them swing the baseball bat. Instead he just feels the sharp pain shooting through his right leg. He stumbles to the ground and isn't fast enough to cover his stomach. He's still gasping for breath when a boot hits him in his kidney. 

His head is swirling and all he can feel is the pain. He tries to curl into himself, hoping it will protect the vital organs. The bat slams down on his arm and he actually hears the bone break. 

"No fag is gonna play for our national team!"

He makes his peace with God right there, apologizing to his mom that she'll need to see this and identify his body. The last thing he sees before everything goes black is Jensen's smile. 

Jensen finds out about Jared's assault, when he calls his mom from their family vacation in Bali. 

His mom is raging about the president and cuts that the government wants to do and about how people really should get what they deserve. 

"Well, at least Sherry's son got it handed to him."

Jensen had only barely been listening to his mother, but now he sits up straight and asks, "What did you just say?"

"Sherry's son. They found him beaten up in an alley a couple of days ago. It's been all over the news." His mom sighs dramatically. "They say it was a hate crime. If you ask me, he had it coming with his lifestyle."

"Do you mean Jared, Mom? Are you talking about Jared?"

"You know who I'm talking about, Jensen. And he's not someone you want to be associated with, honey."

Jensen curses under his breath. "I need to go, Mom."

"But..."

Jensen ends the call and dials Sherry's number next. It rings a long time before she picks up. "Hello?" She sounds exhausted and Jensen doesn't want to imagine what she's going through right now. 

"Sherry, it's Jensen."

"Oh thank god you're calling. We didn't know how to reach you."

He's left his phone and his laptop at home, because he promised Danneel that this time it would only be the family without anyone disturbing them. The call to his mom had just been a courtesy call to her, because he didn't want to deal with her raging on and on about him being a bad son. 

"What happened? I just talked to my mom and she said that Jared was found beaten up."

"He had been having drinks with Jeff and then walked home. We're not really sure what happened. Just that he was found severely beaten up the next morning."

"How is he?"

Sherry lets out a small sob and Jensen expects the worst. He's here thousands of miles away, while his best friend, the person that means everything in his life is hurt, severely hurt. 

"He's stable. The doctors say that he'll recover eventually. There's been some swelling in his brain, but they have that under control. They put him in an artificial coma. But they're talking about waking him up in the next forty-eight hours." She pauses. "There're a couple of broken ribs and his right arm is broken in three places. His right knee is the worst, though. It was smashed." She lets out a shaky breath. "Jensen, they don't even know if he'll ever walk again. He sure as hell will never be able to play soccer again."

"Oh god." He rubs a hand over his face. "I'll be there. I'll take the next flight out. Okay?"

"Jensen..."

"No, I need to be there. Need to see him." His voice is shaking with emotion. "I'll be there."

"Okay, we'll tell him when he wakes up."

They end the call and Jensen tells her he'll contact her once he lands in Dallas. His next call is to the airline. The girl on the phone tells him that the next flight only leaves tomorrow morning and Jensen wants to throw something. He even yells at her, knowing that she really isn't responsible for the flight schedule. 

He finds Danneel and Alex in the pool. There's a huge grin on Danneel's face, but when she notices him it falls away quickly. 

"What happened? Is your mother okay?"

"It's Jared. He was beaten up really badly." Jensen's shaking. "I'm flying to Texas tomorrow morning."

"What happened to Uncle Jay?" Alex asks, her big green eyes blown even wider. "Is he hurt?"

Jensen walks up to the edge of the pool and pulls Alex out of the water, kneeling down in front of her. "Yeah, he's hurt really bad. The doctors will fix him, though."

Tears pool in her eyes and he pulls her into a hug. "He'll be okay, honey."

That night when he's lying next to Danneel, he can't sleep. His thoughts are running havoc and he feels restless. Jared's hurt. He could have died. Jensen could have lost him. The thought hits him all of a sudden and he feels like he might puke any second. 

"Jen?"

He turns over. "Go back to sleep, Danni."

"You said he's gonna be okay. Did you lie?"

Jensen swallows hard and shakes his head. "No. Sherry said the doctors said he'll recover eventually. He'll never play soccer again, though. They don't even know if he'll ever walk again."

A hand flies up to cover Danni's shocked noise. "Oh my god. Jen, soccer is everything to him."

"I know." He pauses and closes his eyes. "I'm... part of me is glad that it's just that he'll never play soccer again, though. I mean, he could have died. I could have lost him." He shakes his head. "I can't lose him, Danni."

Danneel pulls him into a hug. "I know," she whispers, pressing a kiss to his temple. "I know, Jensen."

He cries in his wife's arms until he falls into a restless sleep filled with nightmares. 

Danni and Alex don't accompany him to the airport, they say goodbye in the hotel lobby. Alex hands him a couple of pictures she drew for her Uncle Jared last night and Jensen promises to give them to him. 

The flight to Dallas, with a stop in L.A., seems to last an eternity and when he finally lands and calls Sherry, his nerves are strung tight. 

It's early afternoon and they did wake Jared up, but he's sleeping right now. Jensen doesn't want to wait any longer to see him though, so he takes the first cab he can find to take him to the hospital. 

Sherry's waiting at the ICU's entrance for him, giving the nurses the instructions to put him on the allowed visitors list.

"He still looks really messed up, but the doctors say he's healing," Sherry explains when Jensen follows her down the dull hallway. "They'll need to operate on his knee again, probably more than once. But they’ll wait until his other injuries are healed a little more."

"Okay." Jensen turns to Sherry, giving her a tight smile. "Is it okay for me to spend some time alone with him?"

Sherry nods and pats his cheek. "Just... be careful with him."

Somehow Jensen doesn't think she means Jared's recent injuries and he blushes. Does Sherry know that he and Jared used to...? He nods and escapes her intense look by rushing into Jared's room. 

Like Sherry said, Jared's asleep. His face is covered in bruises and Jensen swallows hard. It hurts to see Jared like this. He pulls over the chair to Jared's bed and sits down. For a second he hesitates before reaching for Jared's hand and taking it between his. 

"I'm glad you're alive, Jay. You're gonna be okay." He hangs his head and then brings Jared's hand up to his lips. "I thought I'd lost you. Scared the shit outta me."

He takes out the pictures Alex drew and puts them on the nightstand. "Alex made these. She and Danni are really worried about you."

He talks about everything and nothing for hours, before he falls silent, his throat dry and raw. Jared's still asleep, the heart monitor giving off a constant beep telling Jensen that he is still alive.

Jensen must have nodded off because it's Jared's voice that brings him back to the hospital room. He blinks his eyes open and sees Jared looking at him. 

"Jay, hey. It's good to see you awake. How are you? Do you need anything? Are you in pain?"

Jared shakes his head a little. "What are you doing here, Jen?"

"What? Of course I came. I was so worried about you."

"You should be with Danneel and Alex in Bali."

Jensen shakes his head. "I couldn't stay there. Needed to see you, make sure you're okay - or going to be okay."

"I'm okay, Jen. You should go back."

"What? No, I'm staying."

Jared shakes his head. "No, you should leave. Go back to your wife and daughter. Live your life. Be happy."

Jensen frowns, confused. "What are you talking about, Jay?"

"I'll be here for a long time," Jared says slowly. "I won't make it back to Bayern. You know that. So I need to figure out what my life's gonna be like." He pauses, looking stricken. "And you can't be a part of it."

"What? Jay..."

"I don't want you to be." There are tears in his eyes when he continues, "I can't do this anymore. I know I promised I wouldn't leave. But Jen, seeing you with Danni and Alex, knowing that you'll never be able to give me what I want, what I need. I can't do it anymore. I'll need my energy for something else now."

"I... Jared, I didn't... I never wanted to hurt you," Jensen stutters, feeling his heart shatter in two. 

"I know. I know you didn't. But I can't be your best friend anymore. I'll always want more. I love you, Jensen. I always will. But I need to figure out how to be happy for me and I'll never be that when I'm so close to you and never will have you."

Jensen wants to say something, promise Jared anything. But a part of him knows that he won't be able to keep any promise he makes now. He loves Danni, but Jared is Jared and Jensen won't feel whole again without him in his life. But he doesn't want Jared to torture himself any longer, just so Jensen can have his cake and eat it too. He's been selfish long enough and look where that got them. 

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's my fault for falling for the straight guy," Jared jokes weakly and Jensen huffs out a humorless laugh. 

He wishes he could kiss Jared one last time, but he knows Jared wouldn't want that. So he just stands up from the chair and nods. "I want you to be happy, Jay. I really want that."

"Goodbye, Jensen."

He door closes behind him without a last look, because if he had looked back he's sure he would have crumbled, begging Jared not to send him away. 

Jared's alive and he'll recover eventually. Yet, Jensen lost him. He really doesn't know where to go from here. 

Jensen blows the whistle and his team stop playing instantly. He grins and wipes away his sweat. 

"Time to shower, guys. I'll see you tomorrow, bright and early."

The team scamper off and Chad claps his shoulder, pushing the soccer ball into the net. "Good practice, Coach."

Jensen nods. "They do seem prepared." 

They're playing Portland this Saturday and they can't lose, not if they want to have a shot at the playoffs. But the team seems eager and thankfully for once all his players are healthy and can be put on the roster for the game. 

"We'll kick their asses. You'll see." Chad winks at him and Jensen laughs. 

"I wish I had your faith." 

Jensen likes Chad. They're about the same age, even though sometimes Chad acts more like a five-year-old than a forty-two-year-old. And when Jensen started working as head coach for LA Galaxy two years ago he instantly hit it off with the groundskeeper. 

"Shouldn't you be the one with the faith?"

Jensen sighs and shrugs. "I guess I'll have more faith when we win. A win would definitely calm my nerves."

"They aren't firing you, y'know?"

Jensen claps Chad's shoulder and follows him down to the changing rooms. "Like I said, I wish I had your confidence."

"You've done amazing things with the team, Jensen. They'd be stupid to let you go."

"Winning the league once isn't gonna cut it, Chad. They want regular success and this season we're just not delivering, and you know it."

Chad frowns, shaking his head. "You’re doing good work. Hell, you got Martinez to cut his crap and play soccer again."

Jensen chuckles a little. "Saved the club a lot of money."

"See," Chad bumps their shoulders together, "I told you they wouldn't fire you. At least not because you're too expensive."

"Jensen?"

Jensen looks over Chad's shoulder only to see Eric Kripke standing at the end of the hallway. He's dressed neatly in his Armani suit and Jensen has a hard time not rolling his eyes. But he thinks it might be a bad idea to piss the team manager off. 

"Eric, what can I do for you?"

"Just wanted to see how things were going. How are the guys? Ready for the big game?"

Chad shoots a look at Jensen and he gives him a small nod, telling him that it's okay to leave. "I'm gonna leave you to it. See you tomorrow, Jen." He nods at Eric. "Eric."

"Bye Chad. See you tomorrow."

He waits for his friend to leave, before motioning for Eric to follow him to his office. He has one in the administration building too, but he actually likes this one, deep down in the belly of the stadium, better. Makes him feel closer to the team and the sport. 

It's been a long time since soccer has been just a sport for him, but down here he still feels it; the thrill of running out onto the pitch when everyone is cheering for you. 

He points Eric to a chair. "Take a seat."

Eric looks around the too small room that's stuffed full of books, papers and soccer trophies, or replicas of them. He wrinkles his nose a little bit and Jensen feels the anger in his belly starting to burn. 

"So, what do you want?"

Eric cocks his head and shrugs. "Just wanted to make sure that the guys are motivated enough to actually win on Saturday."

"Oh they're motivated enough, Eric. You don't have to worry."

"Uh huh." Eric nods slowly, scrubbing his fingers over his bald head. "What about Martinez, he good?"

Jensen leans against the desk with his hips and crosses his arms in front of his chest. He hates it when anyone doubts his players, especially Eric, who has actually never played a minute and only knows that the ball is round. 

"Martinez is perfect, Eric. Anything else?"

Eric holds up his hands in defense. "I'm just asking, Jensen. I have a team to lead and we can't really lose out on the possibility of getting into the playoffs."

"You have a club to lead, Eric," Jensen says grimly. "That's a difference. And maybe if you'd leave me to it, I could work on our strategy, so we really do win on Saturday."

"Well," Eric gets up, smoothing down his suit with both hands, "I suggest you get to it. I'm counting on you, Jensen."

Jensen nods, lips pressed together tightly. He doesn't say anything else, just watches Eric leave, but he heard the threat loud and clear in Eric's voice. If they don't win games again soon, he'll be out of his job sooner than Chad thinks. 

He rubs a hand over his face and goes to work. 

It's already dark when he makes his way home. Alex's car is in the driveway and he smiles. It's nice to have his daughter live with him for a change. Okay, so it's only until she starts college in a couple of months, but Jensen will make sure that he'll cherish the time with her. 

He kicks off his shoes and walks into the wide open living room barefoot. Alex is sitting on the couch, her feet kicked up on the coffee table, zapping through the channels. She grins when she looks at him. 

"Hey, Dad."

He leans down, kissing her temple. "Hey, pumpkin." She scowls at him and he laughs. "You're just too easy."

She huffs out a breath and rolls her eyes. "There's some Chinese in the fridge. I didn't feel like cooking."

"Your mom would never let you get away with this," Jensen says, making his way over to the fridge and pulling out the rest of Tang's Chicken Kung Pao. 

"Mom's not here. By the way, she says 'hi'."

"I'll call her later this week," Jensen mumbles around a mouthful of chicken and rice. He and Danneel may have gotten divorced seven years ago, but they separated out of mutual agreement and not mutual hatred. So it was easy to go from married couple to actual friends. 

"I'm sure Mom wouldn't approve of you talking with your mouth full," Alex says and Jensen grins. 

"Good thing she's not here, then."

Alex laughs. "So how was your day?"

"Okay. Was threatened with losing my job if we don't win soon; but other than that, it went really well. The guys are dying to kick Portland's ass."

"So what? You've lost five games this season and already you're on the shit list?"

Jensen shrugs. "That's just the way the game works."

"It's stupid, that's what it is. You won them the championship last year."

"I guess they want me to always win the championship." Jensen lets out a deep breath, making his way over to the French windows that lead out to the back deck. 

Jensen picked the house especially for the view. It's just breathtakingly beautiful to stand here and look out over the beach and the Pacific. It helps to calm his nerves too. He hears the faint sound of the waves rolling onto shore and already feels the stress from today fall off of him. 

"So what did you do today?"

"I went to see Uncle Jay."

Jensen spins around, almost choking on his last bite of chicken. "You what?" he sputters.

"Well, yeah. I'm taking classes with him when I start UCLA in September. So I thought I could take one of his summer courses too. It's about creative writing and it's really popular. And since I'm not a freshman yet, I thought I'd get a head start on things. That's why I went to see him."

Jared. Holy shit. 

He hasn't talked to Jared in ten fucking years. He didn't even know that Jared apparently is a professor at UCLA and about to teach his daughter. That doesn't mean he hasn't thought about Jared. He's thought about him every single fucking day. But Jared asked him to stay away and so Jensen did. 

He rubs a hand over his face to get back some of his composure. "How is he?" he then asks. 

"Good, I think," Alex says slowly. "We didn't really talk about us, y'know. But he knew who I was. I think he recognized me the moment I walked in."

Jensen nods. "Wow. It's been a long time."

"You should go see him, y'know? I know you miss him."

"Alex…" Jensen shakes his head. 

"I don't know what went down between the two of you," she argues. "But I have eyes and I know that you were happiest when you were with him."

"It's not that easy."

"You and mom said you got a divorce because you grew apart, right?" Alex asks and Jensen wonders where this is going. He nods. "Was Uncle Jay the reason you grew apart?"

Jensen's heart sinks. Does he really want to have this conversation with his daughter now? "Sweetheart, Jared and I… we… It's complicated."

Alex nods. "It's okay, y'know? I don't mind if you're gay or bi or whatever."

Jensen almost chokes on his own spit this time and the following coughing fit almost brings him down to his knees. Alex is at his side in a second, slapping his back hard enough to hurt, but it helps too. 

"You okay?" she asks concerned and he nods. "I didn't mean… I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

Jensen sighs. "It's okay. I was just surprised." He presses a soft kiss to Alex's temple. "I loved your mom. I really did."

"I know," Alex says. "But did you love Uncle Jay too?"

"Maybe," he admits slowly. "He was my best friend, had been all my life. I didn't really know what I was feeling back then. And I hurt your mom and Uncle Jay a lot in the process of figuring it out."

Alex looks sad, but determined. "What about now? Do you know how you feel now? Boys or girls?"

Jensen shakes his head. "It's not that easy, Alex."

She looks at him sternly. "It actually is that easy. And no matter what you say, I'll still be your baby girl and I'll still love you."

And doesn't that feel good to hear? Isn't that what he feared all those years ago? Not only losing his job, but the love of his daughter, if she ever found out what an asshole he really is. 

"Both." It feels so good to finally admit that to someone other than himself. 

"You should go see him, Dad. Like you said, you've been best friends for almost all your life. Don't you miss that?"

Jensen snorts. Of course he misses that, and so much more. But he can't just appear on Jared's doorstep and assume that everything's how it used to be. It might seem easy in Alex's eyes, but it's really not. 

"I can't." He huffs out a breath. "Hell, I'm not even sure he'd want to see me, even if I did decide to go see him."

A small smile appears on Alex's face. "You really shouldn't worry about that or let it keep you from seeing him." She gets up and drops a kiss to his cheek. "I have some reading to do. See you in the morning."

Jensen smiles and nods. He watches her leave the room and waits until he hears her steps on the stairs before he reaches for the phone. The number is programmed into it and he just presses the speed dial button, waiting while it rings. 

"Dammit, Jensen. I wish you'd remember for once that New York is three fucking hours ahead of you."

Shit. Jensen curses internally, shooting a look at his watch. It's almost ten here, meaning Danneel has probably been in bed for over an hour. 

"Sorry," he says sheepishly. 

Danni sighs. "It's okay. I'm used to it. So how's life?"

Jensen lets her voice wash over him; suddenly feeling sentimental for the times when she would prop up her feet in his lap and they'd watch the game or a movie, while Alex was asleep. 

"It's good."

She snorts. "Right. I don't think I believe you. First point, you’re calling in the middle of the night."

Jensen chuckles. "What's the second point?"

"You tell me. What's going on?"

"Alex went to see her new professor today." He actually doesn't have to say anything more, because Danneel sighs. 

"Oh."

"So, you knew? About Jared being Alex's professor?"

"Well, yeah. She told me when she signed up for the lectures."

"And about the summer course?"

"Jensen…" Danneel sighs again. "Yes, she told me."

Jensen shakes his head. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"What do you think?" she asks. "I knew exactly how you'd react finding out that Alex will be spending a lot of time with Jared come September."

"And how's that?" Jensen swallows. 

"Jen, you've never gotten over him. We both know that, so you might as well admit that this is throwing you for a loop."

"I loved you, Danni," Jensen says quietly. 

"I know that, Jensen." She lets out a deep breath. "Just not like you loved, love, Jared."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Jen. I forgave you a long time ago, you know that, and the forgiveness still stands." She chuckles a little. "I might have to kick you to the curb if you keep calling me at one in the morning, though."

Jensen laughs softly. "Yeah, sorry about that. Again."

"So what are you gonna do about Jared?"

"What can I do?"

"Are you gonna go see him, talk to him?"

Jensen sighs heavily. "I wouldn't know what to say or where to start."

"Maybe 'I'm sorry' would be a good start."

He huffs out a laugh. "Yeah, I don't think 'I'm sorry' is gonna cut it."

"Jen, isn't it at least worth a try? You've been best friends all your lives and you haven't been the same since Jared asked you to leave." She pauses. "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but he hasn't been the same, either."

"What?" Jensen asks confused. "What do you mean?"

"Jared and I have been in contact, Jen. He called me a couple of months after the beating, wanted me to keep him up to date on his goddaughter. So I have."

This is like a punch to the gut and he can't keep the hurt out of his voice when he asks, "Why didn't you tell me?" 

"You know why. And he made me swear not to tell you or Alex."

The lump in his throat is thick and heavy, when Jensen asks, "How is he?"

"I can't tell you that, Jensen. I've already broken one promise I made to him. If you wanna know how he is, you need to go and find him, talk to him."

"I don't think he wants to see me after what I did."

"You know that's not true, Jensen. Just go see him." She pauses again. "And promise me something, Jen. When you do go see him, don't screw it up again."

"Danni…"

"I wanna see you happy, Jensen. And I've come to terms with the fact that only Jared will make you honestly happy, years ago. So please, promise me."

Jensen sucks his bottom lip between his teeth and closes his eyes. He feels nauseous when he answers her. "I promise."

Jared twirls his cell in his hand, working up the courage to call Danneel. It had taken him a long time to calm down again after seeing Alex yesterday afternoon. While it was great to see his goddaughter again after all those years, it still threw him. He hadn't planned on ever being a part of her life again, of their lives. 

And while he talks to Danneel three or four times a year, they always have an unspoken policy that they don't talk about anything other than themselves and Alex. Jensen's name never once came up.

Jared is close to admitting that just forgetting about Jensen didn't work out as well as he would have liked. Otherwise Alex talking about her dad wouldn't have hit him like it did. But then again, Jensen had always been more special to Jared than anyone else, special enough to allow him to break Jared's heart over and over. But also special enough to share a lot of firsts that happened in Jared's life with him. 

Jensen had been there every step of the way for the first thirty years of Jared's life, and Jared had just been too selfish for a long time to live without that. 

In the end, that meant broken hearts all over the place.

Thinking about it won't make it better or change anything. It's over and done with, their scattered hearts picked up off the floor and glued together again as best as they could. 

He sighs and presses dial. 

"Now, at least you know about time difference. Hi Jared."

Jared blinks in confusion. "What?"

"Never mind," Danneel says, letting out a deep breath. "So, Jay? You wanna get it over with?"

"I… what do you mean?"

"The 'Why didn't you tell me that Alex had signed up for my classes and would come visit me' talk. That's why you called, right?"

Jared lets out a deep breath. "Maybe. I don't know." He pauses. "She looks just like you. So beautiful."

Danneel chuckles. "Charmer. But we both know who she really looks like. She's his spitting image. Only things she got from me are the hair and the boobs."

"It's very nice hair."

"Haha." Danneel laughs. "How did I just know that you would say that?"

"Guess you know I'm not a fan of boobs."

"Guess so." She's silent for a moment and Jared searches for something to say, but she continues before he can. "I talked to Jensen last night."

"Danni…"

"I told him that we've talked."

Jared shakes his head. "Why did you do that?"

"Because this has to stop, Jared. You've both been miserable for the last ten years. Don't you think it's time to change that?"

"Don't you think we've done enough," he snaps back. "Jensen and I, all we did was hurt people, mainly you and Alex."

"He loves you."

"Love isn't everything, Danneel. Sometimes two people just aren't meant to be."

Danneel snorts. "And you think that's Jensen and you? Open your eyes, Jared."

"I have, Danni. I have!" He swallows down the lump in his throat. "How can you even be so calm about it?"

"I come to terms with this a long time ago, Jared. Hell, I've probably known it from the moment I met you. It was always you, Jared." She pauses. "I loved him, Jared. I did. I wanted him to love me too, and I know he did, in his own way. He just loved you more."

"I'm sorry."

"Oh, Jay. I don't blame you, you know that. Jensen and I were never meant to be. But if I hadn't been with him, I never would have had Alex, I never would have met Riley, I never would have found out what real love feels like. So, I can't regret it."

"I just wish things would have been different," he says softly.

"I know." She sighs. "Promise me something, please?"

"What?"

"If Jensen comes to see you, don't blow him off, listen to him first. Please."

"Danni…"

"Please, Jay. Do it for me."

Jared sighs. "Low blow. But I promise to try. That's all I can do."

"Thanks, Jay. We'll talk soon."

They disconnect the call and Jared can feel a headache coming. He massages his temples, trying not to think about Danneel's last words. 

If she didn't know that Jensen was coming to see him, she wouldn't have made him promise to listen, would she? 

Jared barely sleeps the night from Wednesday to Thursday. His stupid mind doesn't want to shut up and his nerves are getting the better of him. 

It's like the very first day of teaching all over again. 

It's stupid. He shouldn't feel like this, really. It's just Alex, his goddaughter, who he hasn't seen in ten years, who's attending. 

Jared hits his head lightly against the shower tiles, while the water does everything but calm him down. It used to be his friend, taking away his stress and the worries of the day. But today nothing seems to help. The coffee makes him even more jittery than before and he gets stuck with the cane twice on his way to the classroom. 

He always prided himself on the small classes he offers for his summer courses. Now he hates himself a little for that, when next to Alex there are only fifteen other people in the room. She's beaming at him, waving a little and Jared really has to stop himself from waving back. 

Hell, she's his student and he can't, won't, treat her differently. 

"Good morning, I'm Prof. Padalecki. Welcome to my summer class 'Introduction to Creative Writing'. In the next six weeks we'll explore some of the recently published short stories and you will write one of your own with the techniques we'll discuss in this class." Everyone is watching him attentively and he smiles. "But first, why don't we introduce ourselves? I'll start. Name is Jared Padalecki. I'm forty years old. No kids but I have a dog. I love teaching and I can't wait for what the next six weeks will bring us." He rubs his hands together. "Next?"

They go one-by-one and Jared listens to everyone, writes down their names and some other info that he finds interesting. He likes getting to know his students, even if it's only for a few weeks. 

Then it's Alex's turn. 

"I'm Alex Harris, eighteen-years-old. I'll be a freshman come September and I can't wait for college life to get started."

Her fellow students chuckle. "I can totally show you around," the guy that Jared has down as Ryan answers. He's a junior and Jared will have a little talk with Alex about who it is okay to hang out with and who is not.

"Thanks," she replies, pushing her hair back behind her ears. "But I already have someone for that."

Jared blinks. She does? Who? But then he notices how her eyes land on him and he sighs inwardly. He guesses they need to have the student/teacher talk. 

"Shame," Ryan says, leaning back in his chair and Jared clears his throat. 

"So, now that we're done, why don't we get started?"

The class passes without any flirting on Ryan's part and without any awkward moments between Jared and Alex. He's still happy when it's over. He packs up his things, getting ready for his lunch with Sandy. His knee twinges and he rubs over it with pressure. 

It's a good day, considering, but it feels like there's a weather change coming. 

He makes his way out of the building, looking up at the sky that's still deep blue and cloudless. His car is parked at the other end of the road and Jared slowly makes his way across campus. Back in the day, it would have taken him less than two minutes to cross the distance, but nowadays it almost takes him five. The stairs are the worst. 

"Uncle Jay?" 

Jared's almost at his car when he hears Alex's voice behind him. He sighs and turns around. "Alex, hey." 

She smiles shyly up at him. "I liked the class. You're a great teacher."

Jared chuckles. "And you can say that after two hours?"

Alex shrugs. "You have a way with your students. It's pretty obvious that they adore you. And I think that's a great part of being a teacher, connecting with your students."

"Well, thanks. I really enjoy it."

She tugs nervously at her LA Galaxy shirt and Jared frowns, wondering what makes her so reluctant right now. 

"So, I was thinking… there's this game on Saturday… and since Dad is the coach and everything, we get awesome seats. Wanna come?"

Jared's heart sinks. "Alex… I can't."

"Is it because you're my teacher? Because it's totally cool that we keep it strictly business at school. That's why I waited until you were almost at your car to talk to you."

How do you tell your goddaughter that you can't be a part of her personal life? Jared rubs a hand over his face. 

"It's not just that, Alex. It's… everything. I don't think it's a good idea. What would your dad say?"

She shrugs. "He wouldn't even have to know if you don't want him to. I just… I've missed you Uncle Jay, and I wanna spend some time together, get to know each other again."

And wouldn't Jared like that? "I wish things were different. I really do."

"So, because you and Dad had this stupid falling out, we can't hang out together? That's stupid,” she says and huffs out a breath. 

Jared closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath. "Alex, please. Can't you just accept that I can't be what you want me to be?"

"No, because it's bullshit." She shakes her head and huffs out an angry breath. "But I guess it's easier to hide than be a man and try to fix what went wrong."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

She looks at him challengingly. "Maybe not. But I know that you left without even saying goodbye and nobody will give me a good enough explanation for it."

Jared feels like a first-grade asshole. He may not have literally left, but he was the one to decide that he didn't want to be a part of Alex's family anymore, cutting everyone, including her, out of his life forever. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left the way I did. I should have said goodbye. But Alex, it's been ten years. Why do you care so much? You don't know me. I'm not the same guy I used to be."

"I just miss my Uncle Jay. The one who taught me how to throw a ball, and picked me up when I fell from the swing and put a band-aid on my scraped knee. The one who loves to listen to Fur Elise and plays it for me before I go to bed." She pauses and cocks her head. "I have it as my ring tone, just because you played it for me over and over again."

Jared smiles sadly at the memory. "You never got sick of it. You’d beg me to play it just one more time."

"Please Uncle Jay, let's just get to know each other again. It doesn't even have to be at a soccer game."

Jared sighs. "I'm sorry, Alex. I can't." 

Her face falls and Jared takes the last steps towards his car, getting inside. He gives her a forced smile before he drives off, feeling like the biggest jerk on earth. But he can't get close to her again. Inevitably he'd have to meet Jensen and he cannot deal with that, not yet, maybe not ever. 

"Hey, Coach?"

Jensen looks up from the strategy map, where he and Chris, his assistant, have been tossing names around for over an hour now, without really making progress on the roster for the game. Two hours and the roster has to be finished to hand it over to the MLS. 

"Hey, Pietro. What's up?" Jensen asks, smiling a little. "You okay?" Pietro Martinez is one of their best players. He'd been having some private trouble lately, but since that got put out of the way, he's playing better than ever. 

"Yeah, I… can I maybe talk to you alone?"

Chris sighs. "I'll go get us some coffee. Don't take too long. We have to finish this."

Jensen nods, giving Chris a thankful smile. "So?" he asks, when the door to his office closes behind Chris. "What's going on?"

Martinez rocks back and forth on his heels and Jensen smiles amusedly at the display of timidness. Pietro is normally not known for his bashfulness. 

"C'mon, spit it out."

"I wanted to thank you, for paying the bail and… keeping it out of the press, y'know. I… it was a wake-up call. It won't happen again."

Jensen nods slowly. "I know. I was young once. We all make mistakes. But Pietro, seriously, you're too good to throw away your career for some meaningless sex."

"I know. I swear, I know." Martinez pushes his hands into his pants' pockets and bites his lip. "Just sometimes, it's not so easy, y'know?"

And man, does Jensen know. He pinches the bridge of his nose. "Just find somewhere that's more discreet than Hollywood and we'll be fine."

"Thanks, Coach. Again."

Jensen smiles and nods. "You're welcome. And now, get out of here. See you for our last practice tomorrow morning."

Martinez grins. "We'll kick their asses."

"You better," Jensen says playfully. "Have a good night."

Pietro leaves and Jensen lets out a deep breath. You'd think that in the eleven years since Jared took the plunge and publicly came out it would have gotten better for gay players, or gay sportsmen in general, but it hasn't really. People are still narrow-minded and pig-headed about it. 

Best example is Jensen's own family. He always feels sick to his stomach when he remembers when his mom talked about how Sherry's middle son succumbed to his sins. She won't even speak Jared's name anymore. He doesn't know what Sherry had said to his mother, but she has nothing good left to say about her former best friend either. 

Chris makes his way back into the room, raising his eyebrows, obviously waiting for an explanation. Jensen just shakes his head. Chris doesn't know that Pietro is gay and Jensen will be the last person to out him to anyone on the team. That's his thing to tell and nobody else's. 

They go back to the strategy and in the end decide on a four-three-three, with Pietro playing a little more aggressive role in the center than Schultz and Williamson. 

It's still relatively early when Jensen and Chris part, and Jensen decides to stop at Alex and his favorite pizza place. He knows that she's had her first class with Jared today and he's torn between wanting to know every little detail and not wanting to know anything at all. 

His phone rings and he shoots a quick look at the display. "Hey, Danni. Talking twice a week, that's a new one."

"I don't care what you have to do to fix things with Jared," she says, completely ignoring his greeting. "But you do it, and you do it fast, for the sake of your daughter, Jensen."

Jensen frowns. "What? What're you talking about?"

"What I'm talking about is that Alex just called me because Jared apparently doesn't want anything to do with her and it's because of your history, or at least partly is. So you better fix it, Jensen. Alex has been so excited about seeing Jared again and now she's devastated."

Jensen swallows hard. Apparently his past with Jared is still fucking everything up and now his daughter is the one getting hurt. 

"You got an address?"

Danneel sighs. "Jensen, I swear…"

"Danni, I'll try to fix it, but I need an address."

Jensen's hands are drenched in sweat when he stops his SUV at the shoulder of the road in front of Jared's house in Venice forty minutes later. 

It's a simple one storey with a small front yard and a porch with a swing. The Pacific is two streets away and Jensen has to smile at that. Jared had always wanted to live close to the beach. 

If he'd known that Jared only lives like twenty minutes away from his house… Yeah, what would he have done then? Nothing, he admits to himself. He would have been way too chicken shit to face Jared. Truth is, he still pretty much is. 

That's why his heart is beating rapidly in his chest when he makes his way up the front steps and knocks. He doesn't know what he expected, but it's definitely not Jared dressed in shorts and a white t-shirt, his chin length hair still wet from a shower and his tan darker than should be legal. 

He knows he's staring, but he can't pull his eyes away from Jared. An older version of his Jared, but not less hot. His chest is not as muscular as it used to be and there are a few gray strands in his hair and some gray stubble on his face, but he still pretty much takes Jensen's breath away. 

Then his eyes fall on the wooden cane and the angry looking scar on Jared's right knee. His fingers itch with the need to touch and feel. He wants to ask if it still hurts, even though the cane is pretty much the only answer he needs. 

"Jensen, what are you doing here?"

Jensen blinks, looking back up into Jared's face. He sounds angry, but going by the look on his face he seems more resigned than anything else. He raises his eyebrows and Jensen sighs. 

"You need to talk to Alex."

"What?" Jared asks confused. 

Jensen shakes his head. "I don't have all the info on what went down today, but Alex is devastated, Jared. And I know that this has probably something to do with us, you and me, whatever."

"Jensen…"

"So, I'm here to ask you to talk to Alex." He pauses. "She's my daughter and I hate seeing her suffer because I royally fucked up."

Jared nods slowly and huffs out a breath. "Royally fucked up, that's what you're calling it these days? Nice."

Jensen takes a deep breath. When did Jared start twisting everything he says? He remembers a time when they understood each other blindly, when just a look could convey what they were feeling. 

"Please, Jared. She's your goddaughter. Don't make her suffer just because you hate me."

Jared sucks his bottom lip between his teeth and Jensen is reminded of other occasions when he did that. He wills his dick down when he feels it stir. This is really not the time to get a boner over your hot ex-affair. 

"I'm her teacher."

Jensen squints. "Is that a problem? I mean, you can't spend time with her because of it?"

Jared shakes his head. "No, I guess we could work around it."

"Good." Jensen lets out a relieved breath. "That's good. She's been missing you really hard, Jared."

"I've missed her too. She's grown into an amazing young woman. I'm sure you're very proud of her."

"Yeah." Jensen nods. "I am." He cocks his head. "So Danni told me that you kept tabs on her, even sent her birthday and Christmas presents." Jared looks down at the steps and Jensen feels the familiarity of the action hit him deep in the gut. "I didn't… I never would have kept you from seeing her, y'know?"

Jared looks up and nods slowly. "I know. I just… I couldn't be around you."

Jensen gets it. He does, but it still stings. "Well, you don't have to now. Just call her." He hands over Alex's number and Jared's careful not to touch his hand when he takes it. "How's the knee?" he asks, because there's nothing else he can think of, but he doesn't wanna leave yet.

"It's good, better than everybody thought it would be."

"Still need a cane, though?"

Jared nods. "They did a pretty good job, making sure I'll never play again. I'm lucky I can walk at all."

"They did catch them, right?" Jensen asks, feeling long forgotten anger flare up again at the guys who did this to Jared. 

"Got a few years of jail time, but got out on probation after a couple of years because of good behavior." 

"Sucks."

"Yeah, it does." Jared sighs. "Listen Jensen, I have some errands to run."

"Oh, of course. I don’t want to keep you." Jensen smiles a little. "Thanks for not slamming the door in my face and for hearing me out."

"Yeah, of course."

Jensen makes his way back down the stairs, feeling Jared's eyes burning holes in his back the whole time. He wants to turn around, wave maybe, but he keeps walking. Danni and Alex might think fixing things with Jared is easy, just by saying 'I'm sorry' he'll instantly be forgiven and everything can just go back to the way things were. 

A car stops in front of his, a woman in her late thirties and a dog get out. The dog runs across Jared's lawn the moment the woman lets go of the leash and Jensen hears Jared's excited voice. 

"Hey, baby girl. It's so good to see you." Jensen turns around now, seeing Jared scratching the dog’s fur fondly. "Thanks for watching her, Sandy."

Sandy says something Jensen doesn't catch because he's too caught up in watching Jared with the dog he always wanted. A dog and living close to the beach. Obviously Jared got everything he ever wanted. Seeing him with his friend and the dog shows Jensen that Jared really doesn't need Jensen in his life anymore. 

He's happy and Jensen should be happy too, instead it makes his heart ache for everything he has lost. 

"So that was Jensen, huh?"

Sandy leans against the kitchen counter casually, watching Jared fill the bowl for Sadie. 

"That was Jensen."

"What did he want?"

Jared scratches Sadie behind the ears and sets the bowl on the floor, grinning when his over excited puppy digs immediately. 

"Jared?"

He sighs. "I've been an asshole and he came to ask me to not make his daughter suffer for what he did wrong."

Sandy raises her eyebrows. "What did you do?"

"Told Alex that I can't be a part of her life?" Jared phrases it as a question and Sandy looks at him seemingly shocked. 

"Jared…"

"I know, okay? I know." He lets out a deep breath. "I just didn't think I could deal with the possibility of running into Jensen."

Sandy smiles a little. "And how did that turn out?"

Jared rolls his eyes. "Obviously not as well as I thought."

He goes over to the cupboard and takes out two plates. The lasagne he put in the oven just before Jensen knocked on his door is ready to be served and he prepares them both a piece, handing one of the plates to Sandy. 

"So, what are you gonna do?" she asks, taking a bite of the lasagne. "Hmm, when did you learn to cook like this again?"

Jared blows her a kiss. "I guess I'm gonna call her."

"You okay with the possibility of running into Jensen again?" 

He sighs. "Honestly? I don't know." He shakes his head. "I can't even tell you how I feel right now. I mean, I haven't seen him in ten years and part of me was so happy that he was there, but another part screamed for me to run if I ever want my heart to be complete again."

"Aw, Jay," Sandy whispers, touching his hand softly. "It'll be okay. You'll find someone who'll love you the way you deserve."

Jared huffs out a soft laugh. "Will I? I'm forty, Sandy. And I've been in love with Jensen since I was sixteen. I don't think there'll be anyone else for me."

She pushes away from the table and comes around it, pulling Jared into a hug. A kiss is pressed to his forehead. "I'd take you in a heartbeat."

He laughs quietly. "Thanks, I guess."

She slaps his shoulder. "Hey, you should be honored to be my boyfriend."

"And what would your husband say to that?" he asks teasingly. 

"Pff, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I can totally have a hot boyfriend on the side." She winks. "Isn't that the proper thing to do nowadays?"

Jared laughs. "Well, if it's like that."

Sandy sighs dramatically. "Thing is, you'll never really appreciate all my nice features." She pushes up her boobs right into his face and Jared turns away in fake horror. 

"Oh god, I'll be blinded forever." He grins up at her. "Even though I'm sure you have nice features… for a girl."

"Asshole." She slaps him again playfully. "Go, call your goddaughter and apologize for being a jerk."

And just like that, Jared's back to reality and back to having seen Jensen for the first time in ten years. He still feels torn between his emotions, at least with regards to Jensen. He's pretty sure about Alex though. She is his goddaughter and he already chose not to be part of her life for ten years. Not for one second did he imagine that she'd miss him; would want him to be part of her life when he left. 

But apparently she does want that… very much it seems. So the question is; what does he have to lose? 

Nothing, really. Only things to gain, like a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful goddaughter. 

Jensen stands on his back deck, looking out over the ocean, a beer in his right hand. He's still pretty shaken up from seeing Jared today; from learning that he only lives a few miles down the beach to realizing that he's still as much in love with Jared as he's ever been. 

And isn't that ironic? 

He never told Jared that, never once said 'I love you', and now that he may finally be ready to say it, Jared's happy without him. 

And it's not like Jensen expected anything else. He planned on never seeing Jared again. When Jared asked him to stay away, he swore to himself that he'd honor Jared's wish, and he would have, if it hadn't been for his daughter. 

But now that he's seen Jared, talked to him even, he craves more; wishes he knew how to convince Jared to let Jensen back into his life. He'd be happy to just be Jared's friend, be happy and would thank whoever's up there forever.

"Hey."

Jensen looks over his shoulder, seeing Alex step out onto the deck. She's twirling her phone in her hands and there's a small smile displayed on her face. He smiles back, opening his arm and pulling her in. "Hey, sweetheart." He presses a kiss to the top of her head, wondering how he got blessed with such an amazing daughter. 

She winds her arms around his waist and lays her head on his chest. "I just got a call."

"You did?"

She nods. "He said you went and talked to him. Told him to stop being an asshole."

Jensen chuckles. "Not really. Just asked him to not make you suffer because I royally fucked up."

"Will you ever tell me what you did?" 

She looks up at him and he lets out a deep breath. "I can tell you what I didn't do; treat your mom and Jared with the respect they deserved. I was an asshole, Alex. And I hurt the people that meant the most to me next to you: your mom and Jared."

"Mom forgave you." Alex squints up at him and he nods. 

"I'm very honored that she did."

"Don't you think Uncle Jay can forgive you too?"

As much as Jensen would want that, he doesn't think it'll ever happen. "No, I don't think so, Alex."

She sighs. "That sucks."

"It does." Jensen lets out a deep breath. "So, when are you seeing him again?"

"He invited me to lunch tomorrow. I asked him to the game later that afternoon, but I don’t think he wants to go."

Jensen's not surprised to hear that. "Well, you have fun tomorrow. And you can tell him that he won't need to see me if he decides to watch the game with you. I'll just stay clear of the VIP area."

"I will." She smiles at him. "Thanks for talking to him, Dad."

"You're welcome, honey; but you really have to thank your mom for that. She would've ripped me a new one if I hadn’t have."

Jared wakes that Saturday morning and his first thought is that Alex is coming over. A smile spreads over his face and he feels a giddiness he hasn't felt in a really, really long time. He normally just spends his weekends with Sandy and Jordan, if he doesn't just take a walk on the promenade with Sadie and then come back to grade some papers and prepare for the next class. 

So it feels kinda new and refreshing to know that today he'll have a visitor who isn't his best friend or her husband; once he gets over his nerves that is. 

He goes through his normal routine like every Saturday. Has breakfast and then goes to take his obligatory walk around the block with Sadie. He picks up a few things for the tagliatelle he plans to make for lunch and when he makes it back, it's almost eleven. 

Sadie drops down at her favorite spot in the kitchen, watching him through curious eyes while he cuts the herbs and onions for the mushroom cream sauce. He turns up the radio and even whistles along to some of the pop songs that are playing. 

His knee is hurting a little and while he probably should maybe take a break and sit down for a while, he stays where he is and finishes his preparations. 

He sets the table and refills Sadie's water bowl. It's almost time and he feels his nerves trying to get the better of him again. He wants to get to know his goddaughter, he'd loved her like his own once and he’s missed so much in her life. 

The doorbell rings and he rushes to stand. He opens the door to find Alex standing on the porch, a shy smile on her face. 

"Hey, Uncle Jay."

Jared smiles and opens the door wider. "Hi, Alex. C'min." He shows her the way into the kitchen. "I made pasta. You like pasta, right?"

Alex beams up at him. "I love pasta."

"Good." Jared grins. "Take a seat." 

He serves them their lunch and they eat in silence, except for Alex, praising his cooking skills with appreciative noises.

It's not an uncomfortable silence, though. Jared kinda thinks it should have been, but it's not. It's more like they've known each other long enough to enjoy their meal without filling the air with casual talk. 

"You want dessert?"

Alex nods. "Sure."

"Ice cream?"

"Cookie dough?"

Jared grins and nods. It had been their favorite and Jared remembers them eating it together on the terrace of Jensen's house. 

"You remembered," Alex says quietly, sounding a little in awe. "It's still my favorite."

"Mine too," Jared says and gets them both a bowl. 

They settle down out on the back porch. Alex puts the first spoonful in her mouth and Jared laughs at the bliss that appears on her face. 

"It's the best," she mumbles around the ice cream in her mouth and Jared nods. 

They finish their ice cream and Jared enjoys watching Alex while doing so. She seems completely at ease now, her legs are tucked under her butt and she's making appreciative noises again. 

Eventually Jared puts away their bowls and Alex leans back in her chair. "Where did you learn to cook like that? It was awesome. Really. Better than Mom." She winks. "Don't tell her that, though."

Jared chuckles. "I wouldn't do that. Thanks for the compliment." He pauses. "After my stay in the hospital I had a lot of time on my hands and cooking shows were _in_." He rubs absently at his knee and Alex's gaze falls down to it. 

"Does it still bother you?"

"There're good and bad days. Today is an okay day."

She shakes her head, looking sad all of a sudden. "I can't believe that someone would do that to you just because you're gay."

"People have got better, more accepting, over the last few years," Jared says, letting out a deep breath. "But it's still a constant process."

"I do remember Dad telling us that you were hurt and when mom explained it to me later on, why they beat you up, I couldn't understand it." She shrugs. "I've only ever known you as Uncle Jay. I knew you were gay, knew you liked boys, but it never even occurred to me that people might not accept that about you."

"Some people are jerks."

She huffs out a humorless laugh. "Tell me about it. My grandma is one of them. But I told her exactly where to stick it."

Jared looks at her amusedly. "I'm sure that went over well with her."

Alex winks at him. "I haven't talked to her in a couple of years."

"Really? What did your dad say to that?" And just like that they're talking about Jensen, something Jared had wanted to avoid. But the question just felt natural, because Jensen had always tried to please his parents, if possible. 

"Nothing. He talks to them from time to time, but after the divorce their relationship really cooled off." She runs a hand through her hair to push it back. "I think even before that, he wasn't all that happy with them."

"They weren't happy that he was still friends with me, even after I came out publicly." Jared sighs. "But your dad didn't care."

Alex nods. "I'm glad he didn't." She grows silent and Jared can tell there's something on her mind, but she seems to be too afraid to say it. 

"You can ask. Whatever you want. I'm not sure I'll be able to answer everything, but I'll try," Jared says softly.

She looks up at him. "What happened? Dad doesn't really talk about it. Just says that he'd been an asshole who didn't respect you or mom."

Jared sighs. "You know how to start with the hard ones, huh?" She smiles at him sheepishly, but he smiles and shakes his head to tell her that it's okay. "I don't think that your dad was an asshole, he might not have done everything right, but he tried. I just… I fell in love with your dad when I was sixteen. It wasn't his fault or anything. It just happened. And I got hung up on him. Something like that will never end well. And it didn't."

That's as much as he can say without telling her about the affair or the couple of times since, where Jensen still showed an interest in him. 

Alex cocks her head. "I think he was the happiest when you were around. Something changed after you left - or didn't come over anymore."

Jared's heart aches a little and he forces a smile. "He loved your mom. I know he did."

"I'm not saying he didn't," Alex rushes to say. "I know he did. But I think," she pauses for a second, "I think he loved you too."

How often did Jared wonder about that? How often did he think that maybe Jensen would just need a little more time to come to the realization? Jensen never did though or even if he did, he never thought it was important enough to clue Jared in. 

"I don't think so, Alex. Believe me, I dreamed about it back in the day. But your dad loved your mom and he made that pretty clear." He hates the bitterness that’s made its way into his voice. "Can we talk about something else?"

Alex smiles and nods. "Sure. What do you wanna talk about?"

They spend the afternoon talking about books and movies and music, staying clear of Jensen and soccer and anything too uncomfortable. When it’s close to dinner time, Jared takes Alex and Sadie to one of his favorite hot dog stands at the promenade and they sit on the stones by the beach and watch people pass by. 

Jared takes Alex back to her car a couple of hours later, trying to ignore the twinge in his knee. Tomorrow he really needs to keep it elevated and away from pressure. 

"Thanks, Uncle Jay." She hugs him tight. "It was a great day."

"For me too, princess," he says and is rewarded with a blinding grin at her old nickname. "Drive home safe."

"You should come by next time. When Dad's at practice," she rushes to add. "I can show you some pictures and Dad framed my speech from graduation." She sucks her bottom lip into her mouth and rocks back and forth on her heels for a second before she says, "Will you do me a favor?"

Jared nods. "Sure. What is it?"

"Dad doesn't think you'll ever forgive him. Can you maybe try? I think it would mean a lot to him." She shrugs. "I'm not saying you need to be best buddies again or even that you need to spend time with him, but just forgive him. I think that would be enough for him."

Jared shakes his head sadly. "I never blamed your dad, for anything. But I had to make a decision, to either live with what I wanted and couldn't have right in front of my face, or go and look for something I wanted and could have. It wasn't anything your dad did that made me leave."

Alex blinks and she actually looks surprised. "If you could tell him that, I think it would take a huge load off his shoulders."

"Maybe one day," Jared says slowly. "But you can tell him that there's nothing to forgive and he shouldn't blame himself."

"Not sure he'll believe me," Alex says and then opens the door of her car. "I'll see you during class next week. Hope we can repeat our lunch sometime next week."

"I'll call you. How's that?"

"Awesome." She props up on her toes and presses a kiss to his cheek. "Have a great Sunday, Uncle Jay."

Jared watches her leave, scratching Sadie's head absently. He never even knew that Jensen blamed himself for Jared breaking apart their contact and while Jensen didn't do everything right and some things did hurt Jared, he really never blamed Jensen. He didn't lie when he said there's nothing to forgive. The whole situation was messed up and Jared was at least as much at fault with this as Jensen did. 

Maybe it was time to clear the air with Jensen. It's been ten years, they should be able to move on without the past dragging them down. 

Jensen's at the sidelines, screaming his lungs out. But he can't stop it, can't do anything but watch the train wreck happen. Chris is on the bench, his head hiding behind his hands as if he doesn't even want to watch it. Jensen doesn't blame him. 

It's embarrassing what his guys are getting, or not getting, together on the pitch. Martinez has instigated more bad passes today than probably in the whole of his career. Gunner is stumbling more than running and if they didn’t have Petersen, they wouldn't be trailing by just 3 goals. 

While flailing his arms, screaming out orders and strategy tips, Jensen wonders if he’s ever had such a bad day in his coaching career. Nothing comes to mind. 

And then the referee gives a penalty kick to Vancouver and a red card to Fisher; Jensen's furious. That wasn't a penalty kick and it’s sure as hell not a red card. 

He claps Guy's shoulder in support when he trudges off the field. "Sorry, Coach." Jensen just shakes his head and looks back out onto the field. 

Just like that Vancouver is leading by 4 - 0. 

Jensen falls down on the bench next to Chris. There’s only ten minutes left in the second half. No screaming or running around at the sidelines will help him win this game. The playoffs are off the table for the season and Jensen knows what that means. 

Thirteen minutes later, 3 minutes of totally unnecessary additional time, Jensen's following his team into the catacombs. 

He slams the door behind him. "Okay, tell me that you're actually feeling bad about your performance out there."

"It wasn't our day, Coach," Martinez says and Jensen raises his eyebrows, crossing his arms in front of his chest. 

"No kidding, Champ." He sighs. "That was the playoffs. I really hope you know that. Congrats on an early vacation."

He tromps out of the changing room and into his office, where Kripke is already waiting for him. Jensen sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. 

"Eric, what can I do for you?" 

"Just letting you know that we'd like to see you bright and early Monday morning at the office." There's a smug smile on Eric's face and Jensen wishes he could just punch him. 

"Sure. I'll be there."

Eric opens his mouth like he wants to say something else, but then just nods. He leaves, letting Jensen wallow in his self-pity for a second. He loves coaching; ever since he got his license six years ago, it's been all he’s wanted to do. But days like this - not that he’s had many - make him question his self-acclaimed destiny. Maybe he's just not cut out for coaching. 

There's a knock on the door and he looks up. Chad's giving him a small smile. "So, how about getting drunk?"

Jensen chuckles a little. "Best fucking idea ever."

Chris joins them and they make their way to their favorite bar. While Jensen really wants to get drunk, forget about this awful day even happening, he stops after the third beer. He can't just turn up completely shit-faced with a teenager in the house.

It's not all that late when he makes his way home, either, shortly before nine, and he really wishes today that Alex was still living with Danni. He loves his daughter, but it was easier to hide some things from her when she wasn't really living with him. 

There's a strange car in the driveway when he pulls up and he frowns, wondering if Alex has a friend over. Did they talk about it and he forgot? Shit, he's getting old. 

Laughter comes from the living room and Jensen makes his way over, after getting rid of his keys, wallet and shoes. What he sees there makes his heart stop for a second. 

Jared's sitting on his couch, completely relaxed, his feet propped up on the coffee table and an easy smile on his face. His eyes are sparkling with happiness and Jensen can't take his eyes off of him. He's beautiful, gorgeous, in a way it has always taken Jensen's breath away. And now he's here in Jensen's home after all those years and Jensen feels like he might want to start crying, he's so relieved. 

"Daddy, hey!" Alex jumps up and throws herself at him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "How was the game?"

Normally she watches the games, either in the stadium or on TV, but Jensen guesses she had more important things to do than watch him lose tonight. 

"We lost," he says slowly, still not taking his eyes off Jared, who's looking at him with a small smile on his face. 

Alex's smile falls away. "Shit."

"It'll be okay, honey. Maybe the guys needed an early vacation." He clears his throat. "But I don't wanna bother you two. I'll just go up, take a shower and then go to bed."

Alex throws a look over her shoulder and Jensen wonders when the familiarity he's feeling between them developed. They've only been meeting regularly for a few weeks, but it seems like they've known each other all their lives. And maybe they have. Maybe the connection they had back then is still there. 

"You should stay," Jared says slowly, carefully and Jensen doesn't want to get his hopes up. "I'm sure you can tell me what's up with this picture." Jensen's about twelve and completely covered in mud. Jensen cringes. 

"She got out the embarrassing pictures, huh?" He lets out a dramatic sigh. "And here I was trying to hide them for all eternity." He looks at his daughter. "How did you even get them? I thought your grandma had all the copies."

She shrugs and grins at him. "I went snooping in their attic when I was there last time."

Jensen sighs and rolls his eyes. "I should have known that's not a safe place. Not from you." He pulls her into a headlock and she squeals. "What am I gonna do with you, daughter of mine? What am I gonna do with you?"

"Uncle Jay!" she calls out and Jared unfolds himself. He's still huge and Jensen lets go of Alex, holding up his hands in mock surrender. 

"Sure, call your Uncle Jay for help." Jensen rolls his shoulders. "Just so you know; I could have totally taken you, Jared. I'm just afraid of ruining expensive decor."

Jared laughs and it sounds almost carefree. It sounds almost like Jensen remembers. But there's an edge to it, a tension that Jensen knows has to do with them being in the same room for the first time in ten years. 

"I'm gonna take a shower," Jensen says. "You go back to the pictures. I'll see you later."

Their laughter follow him up the stairs and he rushes into the bathroom, closing the door quickly behind him. It's cold when he leans against it, trying to get control of his rapidly beating heart. 

Jared. Is here. And they even talked a little, just like old times. 

Just the thought makes Jensen miss Jared like a limb, even though he's sitting downstairs. When he saw him sitting there; he felt torn between just striding over there and kissing him and fleeing the house and never coming back. 

Jensen wonders what Jared would have done, if he'd just kissed him right there. Probably push Jensen away, maybe even hit him; surely tell him that he lost the right when he turned into a selfish asshole that strung Jared along. 

The shower calms his nerves a little and when he steps out of the bathroom in a tee and sweats, no sound is coming from downstairs. He thinks Jared must have gone home and Alex is probably in her room, so he pads down the stairs and into the kitchen, freezing when he finds Jared leaning against the counter skimming through one of the fashion magazines Alex had left lying around. 

For a second he just allows himself to ogle Jared's broad back and how the muscles are bunching together beneath his shirt when he moves his arm. He's still fit, not as broad as he was back in the day, but still plenty broad for Jensen's taste. 

He clears his throat and asks, "Since when are you into fashion?" Slowly he makes his way over to the fridge, never really taking his eyes off Jared, who's spun around, seemingly startled. 

Jared smiles a little. "I'm not, not really. Alex just went up to get something she wants to show me."

Jensen raises his eyebrows. "Uh huh." He turns towards the stairs. "Alex!" he calls out. He knows his daughter well enough to know that this is probably a set up. There's no answer and he huffs out a laugh. 

"This is a set up, right?"

Jensen shrugs, rubbing sheepishly at the back of his neck. "I guess so."

"Glad she didn't lock us in the shed then," Jared jokes and Jensen laughs softly. 

"Thank god for small favors."

"She's your daughter after all."

Jensen chuckles. "Can't really deny that."

Jared shakes his head, a soft smile on his face. "And you shouldn't. She's an amazing young woman. You did good. You and Danni."

"Danni did a lot more than I did," Jensen says. "I kinda turned into a weekend dad after the divorce and even before…" He sighs. "I tried, but with them in New York and me all over the world. It was kinda hard."

"She still adores you. So you must have done something right."

A bitter laugh he can't hold back escapes him. "Can't be said for other things in my life."

"Jensen…" Jared says quietly, leaning heavily on his cane. And how did Jensen only just notice that? "Jen… I never blamed you. Never. It was a fucked up situation. But it's not your fault, not entirely."

Suddenly the kitchen’s got way too small for the both of them. Jensen grabs the water out of the fridge and takes a desperate sip, wishing he could just beam himself somewhere else. Or maybe the ground could open up and swallow him whole. 

"Jared…"

Jared interrupts him, saying, "Y'know, what Danni asked of me the other day? She asked that if you ever came to my door that I should listen. I promised I'd do that." He pauses. "So, if there's anything you wanna tell me, Jensen, I'm all ears."

Jensen stares at him. His thoughts running a mile a minute, because there's so much he wants to say, so much he needs to say, and right now he can't think of one stupid thing. 

Jared waits.

Jensen stays silent. 

Jared can see that he wants to say something, ponders and then doesn't say anything at all. A stupid optimistic voice in Jared tells him that any minute now Jensen will tell him what he really wants to hear. What Danni and even Alex hinted at. 

Time passes and Jared's hopes get squashed beneath the heavy silence. He's stupid to believe that Jensen would ever change his mind, would ever come to the realization that maybe Jared's all he's ever wanted. Yet, Jared's still here, waiting. 

After what feels like an eternity, Jared wraps his fingers tightly around the head of his cane and takes a step towards the door. 

"It's getting late. I should go."

Jensen's head jerks up to look at him, pain flashes in his eyes and Jared wants so hard to believe that it means something. 

"Jay… I'm sorry." Jensen shrugs. "I have a million things I wanna say to you, and all it boils down to is 'I'm sorry'."

"I told you I don't blame you."

Jensen shakes his head and presses the heels of his hands against his eyes. "If I'd just been man enough to make a decision; If I hadn't been such a coward. If I had just told you… maybe we wouldn't be here now."

Jared's traitorous heart makes a jump and his hands get sweaty with nerves. "Tell me what?"

"I loved Danni, the best way I could." Jensen pauses and huffs out a dry laugh. "But it was always you. It was messy and what I was feeling scared the shit outta me. But deep down, I knew." Jared's fingers wrap tighter around his cane. Jensen’s so close to saying it, but he isn't sure he can deal with hearing it. "Hell, it still scares me and it's still fucking hard to admit." Jensen sighs. "But what I want to say is: I love you, Jay." He lets out a little laugh afterwards. "Man that felt good getting it off my chest."

Jared's head is spinning. This is everything he wished for ten years ago. But right now he feels unhinged, his whole life turned upside down. Everything he believed to be true has turned out to be wrong. 

"Jensen…"

Jensen interrupts him. "I don't expect anything from you, Jay. But you said you'd listen and this is what I had to say. I mean there's more, but this is the most important thing." He smiles a little; looking like a huge weight has been taken off his shoulders. "But I can't just expect you to let me back in your life, and I don't. You're still my best friend, Jared, and I miss you. But if you never want to see me again? That's okay. I understand."

"What do you want, Jensen?" Jared asks. 

"I want you in my life, Jared. I've lived the last ten years without you and it was fucking hard. So, I'd just be happy to be friends again. But I'll take whatever you're ready to give me, Jay."

Jared thinks about it, thinks about the possibility of going on with his life without ever seeing Jensen again, or with only seeing him fleetingly while he picks up Alex. Everything's pretty much scrambled in his head right now, but all of a sudden he's sure about one thing. 

"Friends then."

The smile that appears on Jensen's face almost blinds him, it's so bright. "Really?"

"I've missed my best friend too," Jared says slowly. He looks down at his watch, it's almost midnight. "Oh. Shit. I really need to get going, Jensen. I need to let Sadie out."

Jensen nods. "Of course." His eyes fall down to Jared's cane and the way Jared's leaning heavily on it. "You good to drive? Want me to take you?"

Jared looks down and then shakes his head. "No, I'm good. It's just been a long day and I've been standing for a while. The knee always gets a little bitchy after that."

"How bad is it really?" Jensen asks slowly and Jared rubs absently over his scar. 

"It's definitely not bad enough to worry about it. I can walk. There are good and bad days, but mostly I do okay," Jared explains. "If it gets really, really bad I have a wheelchair to get around. Not that I use it often; haven't used it in years, actually."

"I wish…" Jensen's voice is soft when he speaks and Jared can hear the sadness in it. "Sometimes I wonder if I had been there, if this would have happened."

"Don't, Jensen. It's not your fault. They probably would have just beaten you up too." Jared smiles softly. "I really need to go, but I'll see you soon, okay?"

Jensen nods. "Okay."

Jared drives home and lets Sadie out back. She’d already been whining at the door when he got in, but thank god no accident happened. He watches her go to her favorite bush to do her business and then looks up at the sky. It's clear and the stars are sparkling brightly with the moon bathing everything in a soft glow. 

If anyone had told him this morning that he'd come home tonight having talked with Jensen; even gotten what he'd wanted all his life, he would have told them that they're crazy. But yet, here he is, and while he thought a talk would straighten out his life, it really didn't. All it did was confuse Jared and turn his life upside down. 

"He said 'I love you'?" 

Sandy is staring at Jared with big eyes, her nibbled carrot stick long forgotten in her hand. 

"Honey, close your mouth. You're attracting the flies," Jordan says, handing Sadie a treat under the table, as if Jared wouldn't see it. 

Jared chuckles at Jordan's goodhearted teasing, while Sandy glowers at him and throws her carrot stick at him. 

"Shut up. This is big. Didn't you hear what Jared said?" 

Jordan gives Jared a crooked grin. "I heard. Just don't know what all the fuss is about. He told Jared he loves him. After how many years? I'd say it was about time he got it out." Jordan leans back in his chair. "So, when are we gonna have the big gay wedding?"

Jared huffs out a surprised laugh. Maybe Jordan is right and he shouldn't make such a big deal out of it. But it kinda is, even if he's forty and not sixteen anymore. 

"You're an ass," Sandy scolds. "Tell me again why we got married?"

"Because I'm awesome and you love my perky nipples." Jordan rubs them through his shirt and Jared almost spits back out the water he just drank. Jordan laughs. "Okay, okay. I'll shut up." He nudges Jared's shoulder. "Seriously, though. Isn't that good news?"

"I don't know," Jared says slowly. "I mean, I didn't really expect it to happen after all these years. It just… it threw me."

"Jay, you love him. He loves you. Maybe it's time to forget about the past and start over, huh?"

Jordan can be an obnoxious jerk, but right now Jared knows exactly why Sandy married him. He's pretty insightful and empathic. 

"It's not that easy."

Jordan chuckles. "If it had been about things being easy, Sandy probably would have given up after talking to me for more than five minutes. Question is, is it worth it?"

Jared pinches the bridge of his nose. Part of him agrees with Jordan. This is a good thing, Jensen loves him, admitted to it after all these years. Only thing Jared has to do is say it back and they'll live happily ever after. But the other part of him isn't sure if he'll be able to survive it if Jensen changes his mind again this time. 

"Honey, you don't have to decide right away," Sandy says quietly, petting his arm gently. "Take all the time in the world. Take it slow; get to know each other again. Be friends again. You can still decide if you want to ask him out later."

"Y'know Jay, the gay wedding thing was a joke. I wasn't actually trying to marry you off immediately. Even though, it'd be nice to have my wife for myself again from time to time." 

Jordan grins and Jared rolls his eyes. "You're not a big help, y'know?"

"Haha, who said I wanted to help. I'm just here for the free food."

Jared laughs and once again wonders how he made it through college with Jordan sitting next to him during most classes. 

"Sure, buddy."

Somehow his friends don't turn the topic back onto Jensen and Jared is glad to get a little breather. He knows they care, but they can be a little extreme at times and Jared really needs to work things out in his own head for a little while. 

Jensen walks up the stairs to the office building with a smile on his face. It's weird. He should be nervous, maybe even a little bit scared - they're probably gonna fire him after all. But he's never been more at peace with himself. 

So what if they really fire him? 

It'll be their loss. Jensen knows that he's a good coach. The last six years of his career prove that too. And even if he doesn’t get a job right away, he'll be okay. He's sick of the moving around anyway and LA is nice. 

LA has Jared. 

It's still a little hard to believe that he told Jared that he loved him, but it's been a huge relief. Admitting it out loud, admitting it to himself and to Jared, had been… freeing. 

He didn't lie. He doesn't expect anything from Jared. Jensen knows that every chance is probably long gone, but just getting it out made him realize that his world didn't implode. He's still here, even though he's in love with a man. 

He's still an ex-pro soccer player. He's still the coach of LA Galaxy (even though he's pretty sure he won't be in a couple of hours). And he's bi, or maybe he should just say 'gay', being in love with a man and all, even if he can still appreciate a woman's boobs. 

A chuckle escapes his lips and he shakes his head. 25 years is a fucking long time for an identity crisis. 

Rose looks up from her desktop when he approaches. Her eyebrows are raised and she's looking at him like he’s a little crazy. 

"I'm having a good day," he justifies with his hands raised in defense. 

She laughs. "Well, I'm happy for you." She nods in the direction of Kripke's office. "You can go right in."

Jensen leans over the desk and grasps Rose's hand, pressing a quick kiss to the back of it. "It was a pleasure knowing you, Rose. You always put a smile on my face."

"Always a charmer, Coach."

Jensen winks at her and then steps into Kripke's office. "Eric, how's it going?" He stops when he sees the other members of the board of directors. "Gentlemen." The only thing which throws him a little is that Chris is sitting in one of the chairs as well. "Chris."

"Take a seat, Jensen," Eric says. "We'll make it quick."

They do make it quick. Fifteen minutes later, Jensen walks back out of Kripke's office, Chris on his heels. 

"Jen, I'm sorry. I couldn't say 'no'."

Jensen looks over his shoulder and smiles. "I'm not mad, Chris. You'll do a great job. Don't be too hard on Martinez, though."

Chris frowns. "Jensen, you alright?"

"Honestly? I couldn't be better." He lets out a contented sigh. "I think I'm gonna call my daughter and see if she wants to have lunch with her old man."

"Jensen…"

Jensen looks up from his phone, shooting Chris a questioning look. "What?"

"They just fired you."

"So?" Jensen shrugs and pats Chris' shoulder. "Y'know, there are more important things than soccer or coaching."

Chris shakes his head and a small grin appears on his face. "Who are you and what have you done to Jensen Ackles?"

Jensen laughs. "He just realized that life is actually pretty good."

"Well…" Chris slaps his shoulder, "enjoy your lunch. I'll see you around man. Remember, I know where you live."

They say goodbye and Jensen shoots off a short message to Alex, asking her out to lunch. She's at the campus library, but he can totally pick her up, is the answer. Jensen smiles and gets into his car. 

Halfway to campus his phone rings and he pushes the button for the speaker. "Danni, good to hear from you."

"Jensen?" She asks, sounding confused. 

"Yup, it's me."

"You sound happy. What’s happened?"

A smile appears on Jensen's face and he says, "Told Jared I love him."

"What?!" Danneel asks, now she sounds shocked. "When?"

"Saturday."

"And how come I’m only finding out now?"

"Sorry, Danni. I know Sunday is yours and Riley's sacred day and it was really late on Saturday. So…" 

"Wow," Danni breathes. "What did he say?"

"Nothing much. But…" Jensen takes a deep breath. "It felt so good to finally say it. I’ve never… I’ve never said it until now and it was like some huge weight fell off my shoulders."

"Well, I'm happy for you, Jensen. So, when are you gonna see Jared again?" 

"I'm not sure," Jensen says slowly. "He said he wanted to be friends, but we didn't talk about meeting up or anything."

"Jensen," Danni replies, dragging out his name. "You're not telling me that you just let him get away again, are you?"

"I told him that I don't expect anything from him." Jensen sighs. "And I meant it, Danni. I just wanted him to know. So, he knows. I'm okay with being friends."

"Jensen Ackles, you listen to me closely," Danni says sternly and Jensen can't hide the smile that comes to his face. "You two fucked up once, but you're still in love with each other, so go and get your man."

"Danni, if he doesn't want to, I won't force him."

"Of course he wants to, silly. He loves you. Loved you all his life." Danni lets out a deep breath. "Just fight for him for once. Promise me."

"What if I can't win the fight?"

"I know you can, Jen. Just show him that you've changed, show him how much you need him in your life; show him you'll make him happy."

Jensen chuckles a little. "Okay, okay. I'll try." He pauses. "You really think he wants to?"

"Yeah, Jen. I do." She claps her hands on the other end of the line. "Now that we have that out of the way, how did the meeting go?"

"Oh, they fired me. Not that I didn't expect it."

"Shit, I'm sorry, Jensen."

Jensen shakes his head, even though she can't see him. "Don't worry about it. I don't mind. I'll miss the guys, yes, but there are more important things in life than coaching. I can find another job."

"Well, if that’s how you see it."

Jensen laughs softly. "Everything's fine." He turns the car into the parking lot of the UCLA campus and turns off the engine. "Listen, Danni, I'm meeting our daughter for lunch and I gotta go."

"Have fun you two. Tell Alex to call me tonight."

"Will do. Say 'hi' to Riley for me. Talk soon."

They disconnect the call and Jensen gets out of the car, looking around. Alex is nowhere to be seen and he leans against the side of his Mercedes to wait for her. It's a hot day, the sun burning from the sky, but Jensen likes the weather like that. He grew up with the heat and it's way better than cold and rainy days. 

"Jensen?"

Jensen blinks, looking over to his right only to see Jared making his way over to him. He's leaning on his cane and Jensen feels a pang in his heart. Jared might say that it's okay and that he's fine, but Jensen is far from it when he's reminded of what Jared went through. 

"Hey? What're you doing here?"

"I work here," Jared says, laughing. "I had office hours and then Alex called to see if I wanted to have lunch with her. I'm supposed to meet her here."

"Alex, huh?" Jensen huffs out an amused laugh and shakes his head. "The girl can't really keep out of anybody's business."

Jared looks confused for about two seconds before he throws his head back and laughs loudly. "Really? You too?"

It takes Jensen a moment to answer, because he really likes the way Jared looks here, so relaxed and happy. It's a beautiful sight. 

"I asked her to lunch when I got out of my meeting and she told me she was at the library and that she'll meet me here."

"Your daughter is incorrigible." Jared smiles. "So, what're we gonna do now?"

"Well, I'm gonna get something for lunch." Jensen cocks his head. "You wanna come?" He smiles and it grows bigger when Jared nods after a second. 

They get into Jensen's convertible and Jensen drives them to this little fish restaurant he knows. It's a little out of the way, but it serves the best fish in town and Jensen knows that Jared loves fish. 

"So, how did the meeting go?" Jared asks when they’re halfway there. 

Jensen shrugs. "They fired me. But it's not like I didn't expect it."

"Shit, I'm sorry Jensen," Jared says, echoing Danni's words. 

"Don't worry about it. It's not like I can't get another job."

Jared nods. "Sure, but it still must suck. I'm sure you loved coaching the team."

"I did and I'll miss the guys," Jensen agrees. "But there'll be other teams to coach and if not, I'll be okay too. I realized that there's more to life than soccer."

Jared chuckles. "Really, when?"

Jensen gives him a soft smile. "Over the last couple of days." He loves the blush that appears on Jared's cheeks a second after he says it. 

Silence fills the inside of the car after that, but it's not an uncomfortable one. No, it's more like they're just enjoying each other’s company and there's nothing to say to that. 

Costa's is situated on a cliff over the ocean and Jensen parks the car in one of the spaces directly at the edge. It's an amazing view and Jensen stays in his seat for a moment to just really enjoy it. 

"Is this a date, Jen?"

Jensen's nickname rolls easily off Jared's tongue, but it hits Jensen like a punch to the gut, knocking all the air out of his lungs. It's been so long since he heard Jared say it, too long. He clears his throat and looks over at Jared. 

"Would you want that?" he asks slowly, not wanting to get his hopes up. 

Jared looks a little confused and shakes his head. "I don't know," he says, looking down at his hands in his lap. 

Slowly, very slowly, Jensen reaches out, touching Jared's chin gently and turning his face towards him. "It's your call. I told you, I'll be okay with whatever you wanna give me. I meant it."

"I know," Jared says softly. "I just… can this just be lunch between two friends catching up?"

Jensen nods. "Sounds good." He lets his hand fall away, but Jared catches it, wrapping his fingers around his wrist. 

"I'm not saying 'no'."

"Okay." Jensen smiles softly. "Good."

They get a table in one of the terrace's corners with a beautiful view of the Pacific. Jared orders the grilled sea bass, while Jensen decides on the smoked salmon. 

"So, LA. How did that happen?" Jensen asks curiously, when their waiter has gone. 

Jared shrugs, looking out over the ocean. "I had to figure out what to do with my life. It was actually Megan who came up with the idea of going to college. And I thought, why not; had nothing else to do with myself. Besides, after three knee surgeries I was pretty sick and tired of my mom's mother henning."

Jensen chuckles. "I get that. But why not stay in Texas?"

Jared shakes his head. "Couldn't. Held too many bad memories. So I applied to all kinds of colleges all over the States. Got into UCLA and took the plunge."

"Well, it was a good decision."

Jared smiles, it's the first time since Jensen started asking questions that he does it. "It was. Best one ever."

"You really love it, don't you?"

"Yeah, teaching is great."

Jensen shakes his head and chuckles. "Professor Padalecki. It's a little hard to believe that you're a prof now, Jay. But it's great."

"A few years ago, I wouldn't have believed it myself," Jared agrees, smiling contently. "But it showed me that I can be great at something besides soccer."

"I'm glad you're happy, Jay. Really glad."

Jared smiles shyly at him. "What about you, Jen? You happy?"

The waiter brings their lunch, interrupting their conversation, and Jensen is glad he can evade Jared's question for now. He's sure that Jared won't just let him get away with not answering but for now he's safe. 

The food is delicious and Jared seems to think so too, going by the noises he's making. Jensen would find it adorable if they weren’t going directly to his groin, making his dick wake up. On one particular bite, Jensen's thrown back in time, because Jared with his eyes closed, his mouth open on a silent 'oh' looks a lot like Jared shortly before an orgasm. 

Shit, he really needs to think about something else. 

Jensen passes on his dessert, hoping that Jared will do the same. But Jared seems completely oblivious to Jensen's dilemma, because he orders double chocolate fudge cake with vanilla ice cream. Jensen wonders if it would be okay to just hit his head against the edge of the table. 

"Hmm, this is great," Jared moans. "You should have gotten some of your own."

Jensen forces a smile, scooting around in his chair to find a comfortable position. "I'm good, thanks."

Jared takes the last spoonful into his mouth and pulls it out slowly, probably to get every last crumb of the cake, and Jensen really needs to look away. Like right the fuck now. But he can't pull his eyes away from the blissed out face Jared's making and the way his lips wrap around the spoon-handle. 

He really needs to get laid. It's been too long. 

Finally he's able to tear his eyes away, looking out over the ocean, watching the waves breaking against the shore. It calms him a little. 

"So, you didn't answer me."

Jensen blinks looking back over to Jared. "What?"

"My question. You didn't answer it. Are you happy, Jen?"

He contemplates. He could lie, tell Jared that 'yes, he's happy'. But he's lied so much for years. He's sick of it. No more lies. 

"Not for a while," he says slowly and the smile on Jared's face falls away a little. "I guess, looking back, I haven't really been happy since we parted ways." He shrugs sheepishly.

"Is that why you and Danni got divorced?" Jared pauses. "Danni never told me; told me that it wasn't her story to tell. Is it yours to tell?"

Jensen lets out a deep breath. "Danni and I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I don't regret it. Couldn't, knowing that it would mean I wouldn't have Alex. But Danni and I were never meant to be." He pauses, meeting Jared's eyes. "After you told me you didn't wanna see me again, I didn't know how to go on. It all went downhill afterwards. Danni got a job at the MoMA in New York and I went to play for Liverpool. She met Riley at one of the exhibitions and I knew from the way she talked about him that it was time to let her go, to let her be completely happy."

"I'm sorry, Jen."

Jensen shakes his head. "Don't be. I was selfish for long enough and she deserved someone who really loved her."

Jared nods. "Man, sorry for bringing down the mood."

Jensen laughs. "It's okay. I think it was something we needed to talk about. Now that we’ve cleared the air, what do you wanna do? Or do you need to go home?"

"Sandy is bringing Sadie back and then I normally go take a walk with her." Jared cocks his head. "You wanna join us?"

"I'd love to." He smiles and Jared returns the smile with just as much enthusiasm. 

Jensen drives them back to campus to pick up Jared's car and then follows him home, giving Jared a little time to make sense of his swirling thoughts. 

It had been a nice day so far. The lunch had been great, spending time talking to Jensen had been great too. But a part of Jared is still trying to hold things back, trying to protect himself from another broken heart. 

Jordan's words come to his mind. _Is it worth it?_ And isn't that the question of the day? Does he want to risk everything and maybe in the end see Jensen run again? But what if he doesn't? What happens if Jared doesn't take the next step to let Jensen back in completely? 

He knows that being friends won't work, not in the long run. Jensen still holds too much of his heart for that. 

So maybe he needs to take it slow, see if it really is worth it. If it is, maybe they'll finally get their happy ending. 

Sandy is waiting on the porch for him and Jared looks down at his watch. They're half-an-hour late. Guess that explains the slightly pissed look on Sandy's face. 

"Hey, sorry, Jensen and I had lunch," he says, when he makes his way to where she's sitting. Jensen's footsteps sound on the pavement right behind him. 

"You could have called, y'know? I thought something might have happened to you." Sandy sighs. "But I see you're okay." 

Jared drops a kiss to Sandy's cheek. "I am. Thanks for waiting." He leans down and scratches Sadie behind her ears. "Hi, baby girl." Jensen clears his throat and Jared looks over his shoulder amusedly. "Sorry, this is Jensen. Jensen, Sandy and this is my girl Sadie."

"Hi, it's good to meet you." Jensen shakes Sandy's hand and then leans down to pet Sadie. "You too, girl. Such a beauty."

"It's really good to meet you too. Finally. Jared's been talking about you a lot." Jared glares at her for a moment, seeing the glint in her eyes and he wants to slap his hand over her mouth to stop her from speaking further. "Only good things, I promise."

Jensen raises his eyebrows. "Somehow I doubt that."

"Well, in the last two days," Sandy says and Jensen looks over at Jared, who wishes he could just be swallowed up by the ground. "Great, I really need to get going. Jordan'll be home soon and like the good wifey I am, I need to make dinner." She drops a kiss to Jared's cheek and then jumps down the stairs. "Have fun, you two. I'll see you soon."

"She's nice," Jensen says, when she's gone. 

Jared nods and smiles fondly. "Yeah, she's great. Jordan too. They're really good friends."

"I'm glad you have them."

Jared really doesn't want to talk about the tiring past again, so he grabs Sadie's leash. "You wanna go? Ocean is just down the street."

They walk in silence, Jensen matching Jared's slow gait. Sadie stops, sniffing around every two feet and Jared is glad, because this way it won't just be his knee that makes the walk so slow. It's okay right now, not really hurting, and Jared even considers walking down to the water today. It's been a while since he saw Sadie playing in the waves. 

"You wanna go down to the water?" he asks, when they reach the promenade and the beach. "Sadie loves the water. The doggy beach is just down that way."

"Sure, if you're up for it?"

Jared smiles and nods. "I'm good."

They get to the dog beach and slowly make their way to the shore, Jared letting go of Sadie when they're only a few feet away. She jumps away from them and right into the waves. 

Jensen laughs. "She really does love it."

"Yeah, she does."

"You wanna sit down?" Jensen asks and Jared smiles sheepishly. 

"I can't. I won't be able to get back up." He points at the knee. "Sorry."

"What? No." Jensen shakes his head. "I should have thought about that. Sometimes I just seem to forget."

"It's okay, Jen. Sometimes I wake up in the mornings and I forget." Jared smiles. "Let's just walk a little."

They walk in silence again and Jared wonders when they forgot how to talk about normal things.

Jensen seems to realize that too because he says, "This is stupid. We used to be able to talk about all kinds of things."

"What do you wanna talk about?" Jared asks, a grin on his face. 

Jensen shrugs and says, "You've seen any good movies lately?"

Jared throws his head back and laughs. "Well, let's talk about movies, then."

They talk. About movies, about books, about music, about anything and everything, except the pink elephant in the room. But Jared thinks it's nice and it's one of the best days he's had in a long while. They spend the whole afternoon at the ocean and when they finally walk back to Jared's house, his knee is protesting a little. Jared couldn't care less, though. 

He invites Jensen in for a beer and pizza and they end up in front of the TV watching a re-run of some football game. Jensen has to catch Jared up on the rules, because he's never been really into it and it's been years since he's seen a full game. 

But it's fun and it feels comfortable, normal even. As if they hadn't been apart for ten years. 

It's dark when Jensen sets his bottle down on the coffee table. "I think I need to call a cab. I've had a little too much to drink."

Jared watches him stifle a yawn and then stretch his arms over his head, his t-shirt riding up a little, revealing tanned smooth skin. 

"You can always stay." Jensen jerks his head around watching him with huge eyes and Jared adds. "The guest room is down the hall."

"Right," Jensen drawls. "I don't wanna impose, though. I can always pick up my car tomorrow."

"Or you can have another beer and just sleep here," Jared argues, not really sure why he’s insisting so hard on Jensen staying. 

"Jared…"

"Jensen…" he mocks Jensen's careful tone. "You really wanna go home?"

Jensen leans back against the back of the couch, looking at him through half-lidded eyes. "No. Maybe that's why I should leave."

Jared scoots closer and leans in, whispering, "Maybe that's why you should stay. I make an awesome breakfast."

"Jay," Jensen breathes. His hand comes up and gentle fingers comb through Jared's hair. "I wanna stay, so bad. But I don't think I should."

Jared blinks, trying to pull back a little, but Jensen holds him right where he is, directly in Jensen's space and so close that he can feel Jensen's breath on his skin. 

"I don't think I could keep my hands away from you, if I know that you're only a door down the hallway," Jensen admits, sounding a little out of breath and Jared feels hot all over. "I wanna kiss you so bad right now, but it would be really bad. So, I need to leave."

Jared wants to keep Jensen here on the couch, wants to tell him that it's okay if he wants to kiss Jared. To hell with slow. But instead he nods slowly, pulling away and scooting back. 

"Yeah, maybe you're right." Jared rubs a hand over his face. He's hot and he's not sure how much of it is because of the alcohol and how much because of Jensen.

Ten minutes later Jared's watching Jensen leave in a cab. He leans against his front door after he closes it, knowing that it was the best thing to do. Having Jensen here would have led to things Jared's not sure he's ready for. And it would have complicated everything again. 

He hits the door with his fist lightly, but he still wanted Jensen to stay so much.

When Jared wakes up the next morning, Jensen's car is still there, but when he gets back from his walk with Sadie and the grocery shopping, it's gone. A piece of paper is stuck to his door, though. 

> Sorry I missed you, Jay. I had an awesome day yesterday and I hope we can repeat it soon. Love, Jen

Jared looks down at it, rubbing his thumb slowly over the messy scribble that is Jensen's handwriting. A soft smile appears on his face and he feels his heart jump a little. It had never been like this before and Jared likes the courting thing Jensen has going on. It feels good to know that Jensen is wooing him. 

He gets to Sandy's dance studio a little before noon and she's just ending one of her morning classes. 

"So, what are you grinning about?" she asks. "Did you and Jensen have a good day?"

"Amazing day," Jared says. "It was… so different from before. There's no sneaking around, no hidden looks or forbidden touches. It's great."

"So, Jensen really has changed, huh?" Sandy says, wiping her face with a towel. 

"I think he has," Jared agrees. "He seems completely at ease with himself. It's a good sight."

"I'm happy for you, Jay." Sandy kisses his cheek gently. "You deserve to be happy."

Jared smiles. "I think Jordan is right. It's all about if it's worth it."

"And is it?"

He swallows and then nods. "Yeah, I think it is. Part of me still wants to run, but the other part, the bigger part, thinks it's worth it."

"Honey, of course you'll need time to trust Jensen completely again. Just take it slow and everything will be fine. So, when are you gonna see each other again?"

Over the next several weeks, Jared's life changes. A new routine creeps in without him realizing it at first. But soon, he's having lunch with Jensen three or four days a week and they spend more weekends together than not. Alex joins them sometimes and other times they're on their own. But it's comfortable and nice, feels normal and familiar in a way Jared never knew before. 

During the week, they have lunch at different restaurants or sometimes only at the hot dog stand down the street. Afterwards, Jared normally has to prepare things for his class and Jensen drops him off at home.

On Saturdays, they sometimes order takeout or put some steaks on the grill, and watch a movie or a re-run of some football or basketball game with a boatload of popcorn propped up in the middle of them. And if their hands brush on occasion, Jared really, really doesn't mind. 

Sundays are their lazy days. Jensen normally drops by late in the morning and Jared makes them a second breakfast before they go down to the beach if Jared's knee feels up to it and watch Sadie play in the waves. 

College starts and their routine doesn't change much. They fit it to Jared's teaching schedule and even if Jensen pouts when Jared says he has to work, Jared can see that Jensen isn't angry or annoyed with him. And if they can't see each other, Jared finds little notes stuck to his door at home, and even at the office, telling him that Jensen's missing him. 

In the mornings, the first thing he checks is his phone for a message from Jensen and it's always there, even though Jensen does like to sleep in now that he doesn't have to get up early for training or meetings. Before bed, they normally talk on the phone if they can't see each other and Jared finds that he's really getting addicted to hearing Jensen's voice at night. 

"What do I have to do to get to see you face-to-face?" Sandy complains one day in late September when they're talking on the phone. "You're only hanging out with Jensen. He even gets to watch Sadie when you're at work."

Jared has to admit she's right. They haven't really spent a lot of time together since he started hanging out with Jensen regularly again. There had been the one time when Jared brought over Jensen and Alex to meet Sandy and Jordan on a warm Saturday night; that had been filled with a lot of laughter and the revelation that Jared really shouldn't be surprised that all of them got along really well. But after that, Jared had been a little selfish and had tried to keep Jensen to himself. 

"Sorry, San."

"It's okay. I get that you wanna spend time with your boyfriend. I just feel a little neglected. Jordan too. We miss you."

"He's not my boyfriend, Sandy," Jared says quickly. "We're just friends."

"Uh huh," she says, with disbelief. "Sure, you haven't even kissed."

"You're right, we haven't," Jared replies seriously. "It's not that I don't want to but it's just nice to spend time with him without complicating things."

"Wow. I'm shocked. I honestly thought you'd have at least made out by now." She pauses. "And why would that complicate things?"

Jared sighs. "I don't know. It feels like it'd change things. And it's great the way it is."

"But don't you wanna jump him? You're a guy; don't you have to get laid at least twice a week by default?"

Jared snorts. "Me and my right hand are best friends, you know that."

Sandy laughs. "Maybe you should give your right hand a rest and let Jensen do the work."

"Sandy…" It's not like Jared doesn't want to take the next step. But everything between him and Jensen is going great and he doesn't want to jeopardize that. Plain and simple, he's afraid what'll happen if they take the step from being friends again to something more. What if Jensen freaks out again? 

"I get that you're scared, Jay. But you said it yourself, it's worth it; Jensen’s worth it." Sandy lets out a deep breath. "I think he really loves you, Jay."

"But what happens when he gets another job? He's still a soccer coach, Sandy," Jared says slowly, voicing his biggest fear. 

"Have you asked him?"

"No." And Jared's probably a coward for not talking to Jensen about it but he isn't sure he can deal with the answer. 

"You should, Jay. I have the feeling that he might surprise you." Jared wishes that he could be as confident as Sandy sounds. "Hey, why don't Jensen, Alex and you come over this weekend and we'll have a little end-of-the-summer-BBQ. I can totally interrogate him for you."

Jared chuckles. "Don't do that, Sandy. I'll be fine."

"Hey, I'm the master of subtlety."

"Right!" Jared snorts. "But it's a good idea. I'll invite them."

"Great. Bring your special wings, will you?"

"Of course." Jared has this super secret recipe for spicy chicken wings from his mom, and Sandy totally fell in love with them the first time he made them. 

The ringing of the doorbell sounds through the house and Jared frowns. "Sandy, there's someone at the door. We'll talk later, okay?"

"Sure."

Jared disconnects the call and makes his way to the front door. The sight that meets him makes him smile. Jensen's leaning against the porch railing, his feet crossed at his ankles. There's a six pack on the floor next to him and something that looks like takeout from their favorite Chinese restaurant. 

"What are you doing here, Jen?" Jared asks, chuckling. "I need to work."

Jensen nods. "I know. But I thought you’d work better with a full stomach and a beer. Besides, it's 7 p.m. shouldn't you be finished by now?"

Jared laughs. "C'min." He opens the door wider, holding Sadie, who's trying to get to Jensen, back by her collar. He's practically finished with preparing his class anyway. 

They eat their dinner on the living room couch, with Sadie sitting in front of them hoping for scraps. Jensen feeds her a couple of things, earning him some glares from Jared. 

"She's not supposed to eat people food, Jen."

"I know, but have you looked at her. I can't… Look at her eyes."

Jared shakes his head. "You're such a sucker for puppy-dog-eyes."

Jensen looks over at him and smirks. "I always was."

"Hey, Sandy asked if you and Alex wanted to come to an end-of-the-summer-BBQ on Saturday," Jared says, changing the subject effectively. 

Jensen chuckles a little, knowing exactly what Jared's doing, but letting him get away with it. "Sure. I'd love to come. I'm sure Alex would be happy too."

"Great," Jared says, getting up and taking their leftover food into the kitchen. "I'll confirm things with Sandy, then. You want dessert?" He calls over his shoulder, but when he turns around Jensen's there. 

"Love some dessert. What do you got?"

The look in Jensen's eyes tells Jared that he isn't really talking about food and Jared looks away, feeling heat pooling in his belly. It's not that he's not feeling the sexual tension hanging between them and part of him wants to kiss and lick and suck on Jensen's lips. But the other part is still hesitant. 

"Jay, I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable," Jensen says apologetically. "I'd love some ice cream if you have some."

Jared blinks. Just like that, the flirt-y, innuendo-making Jensen is back to good friend Jensen giving Jared the out he's been looking for. 

"Cookie dough, chocolate or vanilla?" he asks, sticking his head practically into the freezer, hoping the cold will calm him down again. 

"Chocolate."

Jared prepares them both a bowl, painfully aware of Jensen's eyes watching his every move. It sends shivers down his spine and makes his dick twitch. The noises that Jensen makes once he's eating his ice cream, doesn't help at all. A cold shower might be in order soon. 

When Jensen's finished there's still a blob left on the corner of his mouth and Jared can't help reaching out, wiping it away slowly. His thumb brushes over soft skin and Jensen's tongue comes out tickling his fingertip. He's so hard in his jeans that he wonders if he'll just come right here and now in his pants, without even being touched. 

"Jay," Jensen breathes, hooking his fingers into the belt loops of Jared's khakis. 

"Jensen, I…" He wants to say, he's scared and afraid that Jensen will just decide he doesn't really want this, but he can't voice a word. 

"I know, Jay. I know." He pulls Jared closer and they're almost touching from head to toe. Jared can feel Jensen's breath on his skin and it makes goose bumps appear. "But I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, Jared. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure out that it's you I want, but if you let me, I'll show you how much I love you for the rest of my life."

And there it is again. 'I love you'.

Can he really trust Jensen? He wants to, so much. It's like bungee jumping, Jared thinks. He can either step back from the platform, never know what the free fall feels like or jump and trust that the rope will catch him. That Jensen will catch him. 

Jensen had thought about it for weeks, if he should put himself out there again. He knows that Jared's scared and he doesn't blame him. Not after what went down with them back in the day. He totally gets that Jared has trust issues. But Danneel had been right, he can't just not do anything; can't just sit there with his thumb up his ass. 

So he waited for the right moment and here it is. 

The emotional turmoil is written all over Jared's face and all Jensen can do is hope that Jared will believe him that he’s in it for the long haul, that he won't just change his mind in a couple of weeks. 

"Okay," Jared says and it's so quiet that Jensen would have probably missed it if they hadn’t been standing so close. 

"Okay?" Jensen asks. 

Jared nods and he looks so vulnerable that it breaks Jensen's heart. He's the one who put that look on Jared's face, to make him doubt what Jensen's saying. "Okay," Jared says again, a little louder and more confident this time. 

Jensen's heart's beating a mile a minute when he leans even closer, whispering, "I'm gonna kiss you now."

He sees the barely there nod and takes it as Jared's consent. Jared's lips are soft and warm, and Jensen wonders how he'd been able to live without the taste of Jared for so long. It's just a peck, nothing more, but it feels a little like coming home. Jensen pulls back to look for clues in Jared's face if it's okay to deepen the kiss. His eyes are closed and his cheeks are flushed. He looks beautiful like this. 

Jensen kisses him again; he can't not do it. This time with a little more intent and he feels how the tension leaves Jared's body. His lips open a little and Jensen takes the invitation, running his tongue first over them and then pushes inside. Jared's tongue meets his and he tastes of cookie dough ice cream and soda. 

They kiss lazily and Jensen brings up his hands to cup Jared's face between them, feeling his hot cheeks beneath his fingers. Jared shifts his stance, bringing their hips together and Jensen can feel how hard Jared is in his pants. It's such a turn on. 

Jensen is pressed between the kitchen counter and Jared now, and he brings a hand down to Jared's ass, gripping it tight and pushing them harder together. He knows that Jared must feel his arousal too. 

Jared rubs against him, deepening the kiss. His hands cup the back of Jensen's head and Jensen just lets himself fall, lets Jared take the lead. He can't help but moan when Jared sucks on his tongue as if it's his dick and he can feel his orgasm building in his toes. The friction of his pants on his dick is delicious and it won't take long now before he comes in his pants like a teenager. 

Jared's panting against his mouth and Jensen knows that he's close too. He grips Jared's ass between his fingers and rolls his hips with intent. While Jared sucks on his tongue, Jensen ruts their dicks together. Jared comes a little later, shaking against Jensen, and it's what pushes Jensen over the edge too. 

They pant into each other's mouths and hold onto the other through their orgasms, only coming down slowly from their highs. 

"Jay," Jensen breathes when he can think clearly again. He hopes this didn't freak Jared out. He didn't really plan on it. 

There's a sheepish smile on Jared's face. "I haven't come in my pants since I was a teenager."

Jensen laughs out loud. "Welcome to the club." He wriggles his hips. "I think we really need to clean up. I forgot how sticky it can get."

"You can have first shower," Jared says. There's an uncertain look on his face, when he asks, "Are you staying?"

Jensen looks up at him. "You want me to?"

He nods slowly. "Just to sleep, if that's okay with you."

Jensen leans forward and kisses Jared softly, figuring that he doesn't really need to ask permission after what they just did. "Sounds perfect."

Jared shows him where the bedroom and the en-suite bathroom is after that, telling him that he'll put something out for Jensen to wear. 

He showers, trying not to take too long, so Jared will have enough hot water left. The bedroom is empty when he enters it just with a towel around his hips, but he finds boxers and a t-shirt laid out for him. They smell of Jared and Jensen takes it all in before getting dressed. He's about to climb into the bed when Jared comes in. 

"Had to let Sadie out one last time," he says. "I'll shower real quick, okay?"

Jensen nods. The water turns on a moment later and he imagines what Jared will look like naked underneath the spray. It makes him hard again, but he ignores it. Jared's dressed similar to Jensen when he comes back out and Jensen pulls back the blanket in invitation. 

A soft smile appears on Jared's face and he hobbles over to the other side of the bed. He climbs in and Jensen watches him rub over his scar. 

"Does it hurt?"

Jared blinks, looking down, and shrugs. "It's been a long day. Massaging it lessens the ache."

"Can I?" Jensen asks and Jared nods slowly. He reaches out and rubs his thumb over the ragged skin. It's dark red and about two inches long.

"A little harder," Jared says and Jensen massages it a little harder, rubbing his fingers over it in circles. "That's good. Thank you."

Jensen smiles at Jared and shakes his head. "No need to thank me."

They settle down after a couple of minutes, their faces turned towards each other. They're lying close but aren't touching. It feels good to be here with Jared like this, no guilt in the back of his mind keeping him prisoner. 

"This is nice," Jensen says and Jared smiles a little. 

"Very." 

The smile falls away a second later and Jensen frowns. "What is it, Jay?"

Jared looks down at the bedspread and when he faces Jensen again, he looks sad. "What happens when you find another job, Jensen?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're a soccer coach," he explains slowly. "It's still not… y'know… there are no gay soccer coaches."

Jensen brings his hand up to push a strand of Jared's hair back behind his ear. "Guess I'll be the first one, then."

"Jensen," Jared whispers and his voice is full of emotion. 

"Listen, Jay," he says, scooting closer. "When I find another job, I don't wanna hide. I'm not ashamed of you or of what we have. People will just have to deal with it and if they can't, I'll find another job."

"What about your parents, your family?"

"I know that Josh and Mac will be fine with whoever I bring home." He gently rubs his thumb over Jared's cheekbone. "I haven't really talked to my parents in a really long time. I know they won't approve, but I don't care. You're worth it, Jay."

"What if you get a job offer from the East Coast or somewhere else that's not close by?" 

Jensen smiles. "We'll figure it out. Together."

"You make it sound so easy," Jared says quietly. 

"It is," Jensen replies with conviction. "Since I figured out what I want, everything else has been easy, because it's you, Jay, and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Nothing else is as important."

"You really mean it, don't you?" Jared asks, sounding in awe. 

Jensen leans forward brushing his lips over Jared's. "I really do."

"I'm starting to realize that."

"We don't need to rush things, Jay. We can still take it slow, figure things out together."

Jared wraps his fingers around Jensen's wrist and presses a kiss to the pulse point. "I like the sound of that."

He pulls Jensen into his arms and Jensen turns around, his back being pressed to Jared's chest and his boyfriend's arms wrapped tightly around it. 

"I've never been the little spoon," he grumbles a little and Jared chuckles. 

"You'll get used to it."

Jared's sorting through the papers on Edgar Allen Poe for his Major American Writers course. He likes to print them. Correcting them on his computer is just a pain in the ass and his eyes start to water after five minutes. So he prints them and then transfers his notes onto the word documents later. It may be double the work but at least it won't give him a major headache. 

A knock on his office door pulls him out of his thoughts. "C'min." 

He looks up and smiles when Alex walks into the room. She's in two of his freshman courses, but besides that they don't see each other all that often these days, with her having moved into the dorm at the start of the semester and him spending possibly all his free time with Jensen. 

"Hey sweetheart, it’s good to see you."

"Yeah, you too," she grumbles. "You do realize that lately your office hours are the only times I see you without my dad attached to your hip, don't you?"

Jared feels a slight blush starting to cover his cheeks. "Sorry," he says sheepishly. 

Alex grins and it makes clear that she was only joking. "Don't be. I'm happy to see you two together again. It does both of you good. And I love our occasional movie nights." 

"Me too, princess. Me too." He leans back in his chair. "Sandy invited all of us to an end-of-the-summer-BBQ on Saturday. You coming?"

"Of course. I wouldn’t miss your chicken wings." She pauses. "There's a party later that night, so I won't stay the whole time, though."

"What does your Dad say about the party?"

"He doesn't know." She points at Jared with her finger. "And you won't tell him. I'm eighteen and in college. Going to parties is practically in the job description."

"You shouldn't tell me that either," Jared says teasingly. "I'm your teacher after all."

Alex shrugs. "You're also my favorite uncle."

"Well, as long as you hand in your papers on time and do your best writing them, I won't say anything." Jared winks at her. "I remember a time when I was eighteen."

"Do I really wanna know?" Alex crinkles her nose and Jared snorts. 

"Brat."

"So when are you and Dad gonna make it official, huh?" She asks, changing the subject effectively. 

Jared lets out a deep breath. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"You're boyfriends, right? Shouldn't you tell us that you're dating?"

"Alex, your dad and I… I'm not sure what we are right now. We're working on it, though." A small smile steals its way across Jared's face when he thinks about the message he found on his cell this morning. 

_Missed you last night. Can't wait to see you. Call you tonight. Love, Jen_

It's nothing special and yet it makes Jared smile and his heart jump in his chest. Sometimes he feels like a teenager who’s fallen in love for the first time.

"Man, you two are disgustingly adorable." Alex sighs dramatically. "If I find someone who just loves me an inch of how much dad loves you, I can be happy."

Jared blinks. "You'll find someone special, honey." He pauses. "I have to ask, though. Isn't this weird, me and your dad? Kids normally want their parents to get back together, don't they?"

Alex shrugs. "Mom's really happy with Riley, and he's a great guy. And Dad… he changed after you parted ways. He wasn't the same anymore. His smiles never reached his eyes anymore. I never really knew why until I found a picture of you two in one of Mom's photo albums. I was thirteen and it was so obvious the way you looked at each other. Mom and Dad were already divorced and in the picture Dad was looking at you like Riley looked at Mom." She smiles softly. "So no, it's not weird at all. It's actually amazing to see you two together like this again. The way I see it is, I have Mom and Dad, and I have you and Riley. It's pretty much perfect."

Jared gets up from his chair and walks around the desk, pulling Alex up from her seat and into his arms. "You're an amazing woman, honey. Don't let anyone tell you different. I love you, princess."

"Love you too, Uncle Jay."

Jared's making dinner for himself and Sadie when his phone rings. He smiles at Jensen's picture that pops up on his display and answers quickly. 

"Hey, Jen."

"Hi," Jensen replies. "It's so good to hear your voice, Jay. It's been too long."

Jared chuckles. "We had lunch yesterday."

"Exactly, too long," Jensen says and Jared can hear the smile in his voice. "How was your day?"

"It was okay. Had a long discussion about _Wuthering Heights_ and Heathcliff." Jensen groans at the other end of the line and Jared laughs. He knows exactly how boring Jensen thinks the old classics are. "And your daughter came by my office, grumbling that we're attached at the hip and she never sees me alone anymore."

Jensen chuckles. "Well, I don't mind."

Jared laughs. "No, I didn’t think you would." He softly adds, "Me neither."

"I wish you were here, Jay. My bed was so empty last night," Jensen says quietly and Jared lets out a deep breath. 

"I know."

They’ve only spent one night together until now, but it's like this one night was enough to make Jared dread his empty bed. 

"I love you, Jay."

It's the third time Jensen has said it and Jared couldn't bring himself to say it back until now. "Me too," he whispers.

"I wanna kiss you so bad right now."

Jared licks his lips. "Yeah," he breathes and adds, "You can kiss me all you want on Saturday."

"Can't wait. You want me to pick you up? Alex is going to Sandy's straight from campus." Jensen sighs. "You wouldn't believe it, but the house has been really quiet since she moved into the dorm. I've been alone for so long, you wouldn't think I’d get used to having someone around after only a few months."

"Sure, you can pick me and Sadie up at four. And Jensen? I think it's pretty normal to miss your daughter after she’s lived with you for a while."

"Yeah, probably." Jensen sighs. 

"You need a job," Jared says, chuckling a little at Jensen's depressed voice. "Get you out of the house for a while."

"Roger Cunnings called," Jensen says slowly. "He wanted to meet for lunch sometime next week." Jared swallows hard. Cunnings is the manager of Seattle Sounders FC and if he’s called this can only mean one thing. "I told him I'm not interested."

Jared blinks. "What?"

"I'm not moving away. As tempting as this would have been, I'm not moving to Seattle."

"But Jen…" 

"Jay, I'm not leaving. I told you I'm here to stay."

While this would have probably been an amazing opportunity for Jensen, Jared can't deny that he's touched by what Jensen's saying. 

"Okay," he says. "I'm glad."

"But you're right. I need a hobby or something, anything that gets me out of the house. Maybe I should take up surfing."

Jared laughs. "Right, old man."

"Hey!" Jensen protests. "I'm not that old. Forty-two is a great age and I'm in great shape. You want me to prove it to you?" Jensen's voice dropped a few octaves at the end and Jared's dick stirs at the hidden promise. 

"You have something in mind?" he asks, a little breathless all of a sudden. 

"There are a few things that come to mind," Jensen replies slowly. 

Jared clears his throat, wiggling his hips to make a little more room for his half-hard dick. "Well, I can't wait."

"I would if I was there right now."

"Jen…" Jared's breath hitches in his throat. 

"I really need to take a cold shower now, Jay." Jensen sounds breathless and Jared wishes he could just see him right now, with flushed cheeks and glazed eyes. 

"That's a good idea."

"I'll talk to you tomorrow, Jay."

"Good night, Jensen."

Jensen pulls up the car to the curb in front of Jared's house and smiles when he sees Jared leaning against the railing that frames the stairs going up to the porch. He's smiling at Jensen and something stirs deep in his belly at the sight of relaxed and happy Jared. He's dressed in khakis and a grey polo shirt, showing off the muscles in his arms. 

Sadie runs towards him the moment he gets out of the car. He pets her, scratching the spot behind her ear she likes so much. 

"Hey, baby girl. I'm happy to see you too."

"I really shouldn't be jealous of my dog," Jared says when he walks up to them. Jensen notices how heavily he’s leaning on his cane today and frowns. "But I'm gonna admit that I feel a little neglected."

Jensen smiles; pulling Jared down to him, he kisses him softly. "Hey."

Jared beams at him. "Hi."

"You ready to go?"

"Yes. Could you maybe get the basket?" 

Jensen looks over Jared's shoulder to see the wooden basket sitting at the bottom of the stairs. "Sure." He grabs the basket and turns around in time to see the painful grimace on Jared's face when he climbs into the car. 

"Jay, you okay?" he asks when he sits down in the driver's seat.

Jared sighs. "I'm fine. It's just not a really good day. I don't have them often anymore but they forecasted a drop in temperature for Monday, and my knee has always been a little sensitive to change."

"You rather stay?"

"No." Jared shakes his head and gives Jensen a smile. "Let's go."

Alex is already there when they get to Sandy and Jordan's house, greeting them both with a kiss and Sadie with a scratch behind her ear. 

"Can we put Uncle Jay's wings on the grill first?"

"Of course!" Sandy says excitedly, pulling the basket out of Jensen's hands. "Take a seat. Drinks are in the cooler."

Jensen watches Jared with concerned eyes when he hobbles to the first chair and drops down in it, rubbing the scar through his pants. 

Sandy puts a glass of water and a white pill in his hand. He smiles up at her gratefully and Jensen asks himself why he hadn't thought of making sure that Jared had taken some painkillers. 

Maybe it's because he doesn't really know this Jared. He remembers the one that used to run laps until he collapsed or was able to circle the ball into the net with so much ease that people's jaws dropped. But he doesn't really know the Jared who loves English literature, teaching and has a broken knee. He's getting to know him, but he realizes that there's still a long way to go. 

"Jen?" 

Jared's looking at him with a smile on his face, his arm outstretched towards him. Jensen takes it and lets Jared pull him closer. "You shouldn't think so hard," he teases and Jensen chuckles. "It'll give you wrinkles."

"You love my wrinkles," Jensen shoots back without thinking about it and Jared laughs. 

"You might be right about that." He tugs on Jensen's arm and he leans down. "I'm okay. Please don't worry."

Jensen sighs. "You don't look okay. You look like you're in pain and I hate seeing you like this without being able to do anything about it."

Jared combs his fingers gently through Jensen's short hair. "Well, you could kiss me. That would really make me feel better."

"Would it now?" Jensen asks, a smile making its way on his face. 

"Very much." Jared nods seriously and Jensen leans down, brushing his lips against Jared's, pushing inside when he feels them opening up for him. Jared tastes of coffee and spices, and Jensen sucks a little on Jared's tongue to get to his own unique taste, the one he can't get enough of. 

"You should totally get a room you two," Jordan says and Jensen pulls away from Jared with a sigh. 

"Y'know, Jordan, it's pretty rude to interrupt two people making out," Jared says and winks at Jensen. 

Jordan looks at him with surprised eyes before he breaks into a laugh. Like Jared, he seems to remember saying the same words to him once in college when he was making out with Sandy, while Jared sat on the other bed. 

"You should have seen those two," Jared says, looking at Jensen. "They could barely keep their hands away from each other, when they finally realized that they're pretty much perfect for each other."

Jensen smiles softly. "I know that feeling."

Jared nods a small smile on his face. "Yeah, me too."

"Aw, they're in love, baby," Sandy croons and Jordan wraps his arms around her from behind. 

"It's cute," he agrees and Jensen rolls his eyes. 

"It is cute," Alex says, nudging Jensen's shoulder. "Rolling your eyes at people is rude, Dad."

"And calling two grown men 'cute' is not?" He asks teasingly. 

"Not if it's the truth," Alex argues, her eyes sparkling with laughter. 

The wings are ready a little later and they eat, chatting about everything and nothing. They joke about past times and Sandy even tells a couple of funny stories from college. Jensen has a few of his own from their time as soccer players and when he looks at Jared, he wonders if he imagined the pain flashing through his eyes at the memories. 

"We should all go to a game together next season," he says. "It'd be fun. I can get the tickets." The look on Sandy's face is enough to know that he said something wrong. 

"I need to take a leak," Jared says, getting up from his chair. 

Jensen wants to say something but Sandy glares at him and shakes her head. So he just watches Jared disappear into the house. 

"What did I say?"

"Jensen…" Sandy shakes her head. "He hasn’t been to a soccer game since those hicks smashed his knee. He doesn't talk about it either, and he avoids all news by a mile."

"I think it hurts too much," Jordan says. 

"I need to talk to him." 

Sandy wants to say something, but Jordan stops her. "Let Jensen take care of it. He's Jay's boyfriend now. It should be him."

Jensen gives Jordan a small smile and a nod, before making his way into the house. He waits in front of the guest bathroom, leaning against the wall. Jared seems a little surprised when he comes out. 

"So, I'm an ass, obviously," Jensen says and Jared lets out a deep breath. 

"You're not. Used to be, though."

Jensen snorts. "Well, thanks. I probably deserved that." He pauses. "But seriously, Jay, I'm sorry. I should have noticed the red flags."

"No." Jared shakes his head. "It's okay if you wanna talk about it. I shouldn't let it get to me like this."

"You loved playing, ever since you were a kid," Jensen says slowly. "It was everything you ever wanted to do. I never even asked how you're doing without it."

"I told you I'm good. I love teaching. I love my job. I love the kids."

"But you miss playing soccer. So much so, that you avoid it as best as you can and here I am, talking about soccer, asking your friends to come to a game."

Jared shrugs. "I'm sure they'd love to go."

"But you wouldn't."

"Jensen…"

Jensen shakes his head and walks right into Jared's space, cupping his head between his hands. "It's okay. I understand." He presses a soft kiss to Jared's lips. "You don't wanna go, we don't go."

"Soccer is your life, Jensen."

"I hope you're my life now. We'll find middle ground, Jay. Okay?"

Jared smiles at him. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me. I'm very selfish when it comes to you in my life." Jensen grins and Jared's smile gets bigger. 

"I'm okay with that."

The night flies by after his and Jensen’s little talk. Alex leaves shortly after and when Jared gets into Jensen's car it's almost midnight. He rubs at his aching scar, trying to soothe it a little, but today, nothing really helps. 

Jensen drives them to Jared's house in silence and it's only when he pulls the car into the driveway that Jared turns towards him. 

"You wanna stay?"

Jensen nods, smiling softly. "Yeah, I'd love to stay."

Sadie drops down on her rug at the end of the couch and Jared just fills her water bowl for her, before pulling Jensen up the stairs. The moment the bedroom door closes behind them, his lips are on Jensen's, licking into his mouth. 

Jensen moans, his fingers curling around Jared's hipbones, pulling him back towards the bed. They fall down on it in a tangle of limbs and Jared ignores the sharp sting in his knee. Jensen's on top of him, straddling his hips, in seconds. He grinds their crotches together and Jared groans at the friction against his half hard dick. 

"Jensen…"

"Hmm, so good," Jensen whispers; kissing a trail of wet kisses down Jared's neck. He bites lightly at the skin and Jared throws his head back. "Taste so good, Jay."

Jared pulls on Jensen's shirt. "Off. Need to see you." Jensen chuckles and pulls it over his head. Jared stares. Jensen didn't lie; he's in amazing shape, his muscles still clearly defined beneath smooth skin. Jared runs his fingertips over the soft skin, down to the little fluffy trail that leads into Jensen's pants. 

Jensen shivers. "Jay," he breathes, before leaning down and kissing him again. They fight for control for a little while before Jared decides to let Jensen set the pace. 

"Need to take that off too," Jensen says, tugging at Jared's shirt and he sits up pulling it over his head. "So gorgeous," Jensen whispers; leaning down and licking over Jared's nipples. 

Jared arches his back, trying to get closer to Jensen's clever tongue. Fingers come up to play with his other nipple and he moans when Jensen pinches it. 

"More, Jen. Need more," he whimpers, and doesn't even care that he's begging. 

"What happened to slow, Jay?" Jensen asks teasingly. 

Jared looks up at him. "Slow is really overrated."

"I agree," Jensen says, kissing his way down to Jared's pants. He pops the button and his lips are so damn close to Jared's dick that the breath hitches in Jared's throat at the possibility. His breaths ghosts over the fabric and Jared shudders. Jensen's only ever sucked Jared a couple of times, and at the prospect of being in Jensen's mouth again, Jared's eyes roll into the of back his head and he groans deep in his chest. 

Clever fingers pull down his pants and boxer briefs, and then his dick is engulfed by wet heat. Jensen's tongue swirls around the head, while his fingers play with Jared's balls. 

"Jensen," he pants. "Jen, I…"

Jensen pulls off with a plop. "It's okay, Jay. Just let go. I'm here."

He sucks Jared back down and Jared knows that he won't last long. It's been too long since anyone did this to him, and then this is Jensen after all. The tongue rubs against the underside of his dick perfectly and when it dips into his slit Jared's done for.

He comes and Jensen swallows.

Jensen swallows.

He's never done this before and Jared comes even harder when the realization hits him. It takes him a long time to come down from his high and when he finally opens his eyes, Jensen's lying next to him, his hard dick pressing against Jared's hipbone. There's a soft smile on his face and Jared smiles back. 

"Hey," Jensen whispers, running his fingertip gently over Jared's lips. "You okay?"

Jared huffs out a laugh. "Okay? I'm better than okay. I'm awesome."

Jensen laughs. "So I didn't fail too much?"

Jared pushes his fingers into Jensen's short hair and pulls him down into a kiss. "You were amazing," he whispers against his lips. 

He shifts, so that he and Jensen are lying face-to-face, head-to-toe. His hands wander down Jensen's sweat slicked body, gripping Jensen's butt cheeks between his hands and pulling him closer. Jensen ruts against his hipbone lazily and then takes one of Jared's hands, sucking his pointer finger into his mouth. 

Jared moans. "Jen, you're killing me…"

Jensen grins around the finger he's sucking on and then pulls off noisily. "No dying allowed," he whispers, bringing Jared's finger back to his cleft and pushing it against his wrinkled muscle with intent. 

Jared's eyes widen in shock at the implication. "Jensen, you sure?" Never, not once, did Jensen ever show any interest in Jared playing with his ass. It had always been Jared - not that he minded. But what Jensen is asking now, kind of blows Jared's mind. 

"I want you to," Jensen rushes to say, but Jared doesn't miss the nervousness in his voice. "I want all of you, Jay."

They meet in a soft kiss and Jared licks into Jensen's mouth, sucking on his tongue, while he rubs his finger over the tight hole. He taps against it a couple of times without pushing in and he feels Jensen relax next to him. 

When Jared pulls his fingers away, Jensen moans in protest. Jared chuckles. "We're gonna do this? We're gonna do it right." He rummages in his nightstand, pulling out an almost full bottle of lube. "And spit is not the way to go, at least not for the first time." He nibbles on Jensen's neck for a moment. "I wanna make it good for you, Jen. Really good."

"I trust you, Jay."

Jared kisses him again and then coats two of his fingers with slick, rubbing some of it between Jensen's butt cheeks. He hooks Jensen's leg over his hips and gives Jensen's hard dick a couple of quick strokes. Jensen groans and bites his shoulder. Slowly, carefully Jared pushes his fingers back behind Jensen's balls, massaging his perineum on the way and then rubbing over his entrance again. 

For the longest time, he just rubs around it, lightly pressing against the furrowed muscle but never pushing in. Jensen moans, pushing his dick against Jared's body for some friction. 

"Please, Jay. Do it."

He catches Jensen's mouth in a soft kiss at the same time he breaches his body for the first time. It's tight and hot and perfect and Jared's dick is seriously trying to get hard again. For a second he curses that he doesn't have the recovery time of a teenager anymore. But then he just focuses on the noises Jensen's making. His breaths are coming in pants and his eyes are tightly shut. 

"Relax, Jen. Let me in," he says softly and Jensen opens his eyes. They're blown wide with lust and heat. 

Slowly, Jared pulls his finger out before pushing it back in. Jensen's body loosens around him a little and he's able to push further in, rub his finger over the special spot inside Jensen. 

Jensen's head falls back when Jared presses against it and he lets out a silent scream. Jared fucks him with his finger for a little while before he adds another one, scissoring them. He pushes against Jensen's prostate every so often and then Jensen's coming between their bodies. He groans loudly, shaking violently in Jared's arms. 

Jared just holds him and peppers kisses to his flushed skin until Jensen's breathing calms down again. 

"I didn't… I never knew it could feel like this," Jensen babbles and Jared chuckles against his skin. 

"You think people would do it if it didn't feel good?" he asks teasingly and Jensen hits him lightly. 

"Shut up. I'm having a moment."

Jared laughs. "Yeah, sex can be very enlightening."

"I'm serious, Jay," Jensen says softly and Jared's laugh falls away. "I… this was amazing, feeling you inside of me. And it was only your fingers. How amazing will it feel when it's your cock?"

Jared swallows hard. He can't really think about it without his blood starting to boil in his veins with exceptional lust and love. 

"It's gonna be amazing, Jen," he breathes. 

"I think I might burst then," Jensen says and Jared crushes their lips together in a bruising kiss. 

"I'll keep you together."

They fall asleep wrapped around each other and for the first time, Jared lets himself believe that it'll be like this for the rest of their lives. 

Jensen wakes with Jared's arms wrapped tightly around him from behind. He's the little spoon again and he really isn't complaining. It's nice to be wrapped up in Jared's embrace. His dick is lying hot and heavy between his legs and he brushes his hand against it. It's been a while since he woke up with morning wood, but he really doesn't mind. He can feel Jared's dick pressing hard between his butt cheeks too. 

Jared lets out a soft moan when Jensen pushes his ass back, rubbing it over the length. Jared's big and Jensen does wonder how it'll all fit inside him, but he can't wait to try it. He never tried this before, never could wrap his head around letting anyone stick something up his ass. It's stupid really, but he always thought that if he'd let Jared do it back then that it would’ve make him irrevocably gay. It was his last defence; not giving this up he could still claim to be straight. 

It's not about being gay though, he realizes. It's about sharing something so incredibly intimate with the one person you love. In his case it's a guy, it's Jared, so what? He wants it, wants to feel Jared inside of him, making love to him, fucking him.

"You're thinking too hard again," Jared teases, pressing soft kisses to his shoulder blades. 

Jensen looks back over his shoulder and grins. "Only about you."

"I hope it's only good things."

"Very good things."

"Does it involve us being naked?" Jared wriggles his eyebrows and Jensen laughs. 

"Maybe." He presses a kiss to Jared's hand that's lying on his shoulder. "It might involve your dick and my ass."

Jared lays his head on Jensen's shoulder watching him intently. "You don't have to do that, y'know? You don't need to prove anything to me, Jen."

Jensen raises his eyebrows. "What if I want to? What if I want to feel you inside of me? Need you inside of me. I really want you to make love to me, Jay. It has nothing to do with me wanting to prove anything, but everything with me wanting to share something so intimate with the man I love."

"Then, I wouldn't say 'no'," Jared says softly. 

"Kiss me, Jared."

Their lips meet in a soft kiss that soon turns heated, their tongues rubbing against each other. Jared sucks and licks and Jensen lets himself get lost in the sensations. Jared's lips and hands are like fire on his skin and he arches into their touch. Jared rolls him onto his back and then all of sudden his cock is engulfed in wet heat. 

"Jared," he moans, his fingers entangling with long, soft hair. "So good, Jay. So good."

Jared hums and the vibrations send shivers down Jensen's spine and right into his dick. The suction on his cock is so delicious that he almost loses it right there and doesn't even realize that Jared's pushing a finger into him at first. 

Jared's fingers open him up slowly, almost too slowly, while Jared sucks his dick, bringing him to the edge before stopping and waiting for Jensen to calm down. There are three fingers inside of him, scissoring and stretching him, when Jensen can't take it anymore. The burn from the beginning has faded to pure pleasure and he needs Jared inside of him right the fuck now. 

"Jay, please. Need you… now."

Jared pulls off of his dick and moves them so that they're lying next to each other, Jensen's back pressed against Jared's chest. 

"It'll be easier," he whispers. "And I can't kneel." There's some sadness in his voice and Jensen looks up at him and smiles, entangling their fingers for a moment. 

"It's okay. This works just fine for me."

Jared reaches for a condom and puts it on. His dick is thick and red, and he shakes a little while he does it. Jensen bites his lip to keep from coming just at the sight. Then Jared's back, his arms wrapping around Jensen's body, angling his upper leg in front of him. A moment later the blunt head pushes against Jensen's body and he tenses out of reflex. 

"It's okay, Jen. It's just me. Try to relax a little."

Soft kisses are pressed to his shoulder and he melts into Jared's touch. Jared's cock slips inside more and it burns, but there's also pleasure hidden in it. Eventually Jared bottoms out and Jensen can feel his balls press against his buttocks. 

"Jay…" he breathes. 

"I know, Jen. I know."

They stay like this for a long time before Jared starts to move, pulling out and thrusting back in a lazy rhythm. He wraps his hand around Jensen's dick, stroking him in a counter rhythm. His thrusts get faster and they hit Jensen's prostate every time. He moans at the pleasure shooting through his body. His orgasm is building in his toes and before he knows it, he's coming all over Jared's fist. He's shaking and barely notices that Jared comes too, biting lightly at his shoulder blade. 

Jared pulls out when their breaths have calmed down again. It stings a little, but Jensen ignores it, instead rolling onto his belly and watching Jared get rid of the condom. He smiles when Jared's eyes land on him and gets a blinding smile in return. 

"Can we sleep in?" he asks and Jared laughs. 

"I need to go check on Sadie, but I promise to come back after, okay?"

Jensen nods, yawning. "I'll be here."

Jared presses a quick kiss to Jensen's shoulder. "I know."

The door isn't completely closed yet when Jensen falls back into a happy slumber. 

Jensen isn't really surprised to read the headline in the sports section of the LA Times a few weeks before Christmas. 

_Will Snyder quits job as US Team coach after the debacle of the WC 2022 qualification in Qatar and losing the intercontinental playoffs against New Zealand._

He huffs out a breath and shakes his head. Of course Snyder would pull in his tail instead of standing straight, trying to reform the team for the WC 2026. Jensen has only come across Snyder a couple of times since he only took over as head coach in 2016, and Jensen played his last game for the seniors at the WC 2014 in Brazil. But he knows that Snyder is a douche, not really caring for the team or pride that should come with being coach of the US team. He only cares about the money. 

Jensen takes a sip of his coffee, skimming to the next side on his tablet. There's an interview with Jeff Morgan, president of the USSF, who talks about looking for someone to take over the team. He wants someone who's proud to be the coach and who will know to take the right steps to reform the team and make it ready for the WC 2026 in Australia. 

A soft kiss is pressed to Jensen's neck, pulling him out of his head. He looks up and sees Jared standing over him. 

"Hey."

"Morning, handsome. What're you reading?"

Jensen has spent more nights at Jared's since that first night than he has in his own house and he really, really likes the domesticity they have going on. It feels right and kind of perfect. Sometimes when he wakes at night and can't sleep anymore, he watches Jared and he asks himself why he didn’t get his head out of his ass sooner. They could have had this from the beginning if Jensen hadn't been so full of bullshit issues.

Jared is pretty good at pulling him out of one of his moods when it occurs in the daylight, but Jensen will always be angry with himself for not realizing beforehand that being in love with Jared, is the best thing that ever happened to him. 

"Nothing, really," Jensen says, leaning up for a morning kiss. 

"Nothing, huh?" Jared teases, snagging the tablet away from him. "Jeff Morgan is looking for a new head coach for the senior soccer team," he says slowly. "Jensen, this… did he call you?"

"What?" Jensen asks kinda shocked. "No. Why would he?"

"Because you're kinda perfect for this?" Jared forms it as a question. "You have what it takes, don't you think?"

"Jared, I only got my coaching license six years ago. I'm sure he wants someone who's a little more experienced than I am."

"He had Snyder and look where that got us," Jared says and Jensen frowns. 

"How do you know where that got us? I thought you didn't check the soccer results anymore, huh?" he asks teasingly, pulling Jared in between his legs. 

Jared shrugs. "I… You're my boyfriend, so I figured I should at least know what's going on in the soccer world. Since, y'know, this is a really big part of your life."

"Jay," Jensen says slowly. "I thought you stopped because it hurt you. I don't want you to torture yourself just because I might get back into the game one day."

Jared rolls his eyes. "You make it sound really dramatic. Yeah, it hurt at first. All the 'what ifs' swirling around in my head. That's why I left it behind." He brushes his lips against Jensen's gently. "But now things are different. Remember when you asked all of us if we want to go see a game in the new season? I think I want that. I want to go see your games."

Jensen brings up his hands to entangle his fingers with Jared's long hair. "I love you."

"Me too," Jared whispers against his lips. 

He hasn't said 'I love you' yet without Jensen prompting him, and Jensen has the feeling that Jared still hasn't really grasped that Jensen's here to stay. He still feels like Jensen might get up and leave if something better comes along; whatever that is in Jared's mind. But Jensen can be patient. He knows he's here to stay and he plans on proving that to Jared every day for the rest of their lives. 

"Y'know, you could always get back in the game too," Jensen says carefully and Jared pulls away from him, sighing. 

"Just because I'm checking schedules and results doesn't mean I wanna get back into the game."

"You miss it, Jay?"

"Not that much," he says, leaning against the sink. 

Jensen gets up, wrapping his arms around Jared's chest. "I heard two women talking to each other at the grocery store about how they need someone to coach the little kids."

Jared tenses and shakes his head. "I can't."

"You love kids and you love teaching."

"You do it, if it's so important to you," Jared shoots back and Jensen lets out a deep breath. 

"I would, y'know. But I can't because when I get a real job I won't have time to do it anymore and I don't wanna disappoint the kids." He shrugs. "But it was just a suggestion. I didn't mean to pressure you. You don't want to, you don't have to."

Jared looks away from him and Jensen sighs. "I'm gonna take a shower and then if you want, we can take Sadie to the beach. Maybe call Alex to see if she's not too busy to join us." Jared nods, but his posture is still tense. Jensen reaches up to touch his cheek gently. "I'm sorry, Jay. I shouldn't have brought it up. Forget I said anything."

Jared doesn't answer and Jensen could really kick himself for his big mouth. He knows Jared would be amazing teaching the little kids, but he should have known that Jared's not ready to even consider it. 

The call comes a few days later, and while Jensen wasn't surprised to read about Snyder leaving, he is really surprised when he hears Jeff Morgan's voice at the other end of the line. 

"Jeff, wow, it's been a while."

Jeff laughs. "That's true, kid. How are you doing?"

"Not a kid anymore." Jensen laughs. "But other than that I'm great. And you? What about Sam, she still keeping you on your toes?"

"Sam and I are great, thanks for asking." Jeff pauses. "So, I'm in LA. How do you feel about having lunch with your old coach today?"

"Sure. I'd love to," Jensen says. "It'd be great to catch up a little."

They set a place and a time, and when Jensen disconnects the call he fires off a text to Jared. Jared's in class and probably won't read the message until later, but at least this way Jared knows what's going on. 

This doesn't really mean anything; doesn't have to mean anything. 

It could really just be a lunch to catch up. They've always gotten along well, he and Jeff. Or it could be something else entirely. 

An hour later he packs up Sadie and drives to the fish restaurant he took Jared to that first time. Sadie is looking at him with curious eyes and he scratches her behind her ear. At least she's here for moral support. 

He's about to get out of the car when his phone rings. It's Jared. 

"Hey."

"Hey, I was hoping to catch you before you go in. Good luck, Jen.

"We don't even know if this is just a lunch to catch up."

"How often in the past was Morgan in LA and not call you for lunch?" Jared asks teasingly and Jensen snorts. "This is what we're thinking it is. I'm sure of it. So, good luck."

"I’ll call you later."

Jeff is already waiting for him. They hug and Jeff pets Sadie extensively.

"She's great, Jensen. I didn't know you had a dog."

"She's my boyfriend's." 

It comes out completely casually and before he can put a censor on himself. Well, if he ever had a chance to get the job; that was probably it. But he can't feel bad about it. He's not gonna hide Jared or his feelings for him. 

"Boyfriend, huh?" Jeff asks and smiles. "That answers the question about your relationship status; that would have come up sooner or later."

Jensen blinks. He didn't expect such a casual response from Jeff. "How about we order?"

Jeff nods. "Good call."

They order their food and Sadie gets a bowl of water set in front of her. 

"So, tell me about that boyfriend of yours."

Jensen scoots around on his chair. "What do you wanna know?"

"Is he supportive of your job? Does he treat you right? Does he make you happy?"

Jensen chuckles. "You sound a lot like my dad - not that he'd be interested - but anyway, yes to all of it."

Jeff smiles. "That's good. Because I have a proposition for you and I'm not taking 'no' for an answer. Makes it easier if the respective other isn't standing in the way of you having a career."

"Jeff, you heard that I said 'boyfriend', right? I'm gay, just to be clear. While I can still appreciate a beautiful woman, I'm in love with a man and I'm not gonna hide him or my love for him. I did that long enough."

Jeff cocks his head, looking at Jensen for a really long time before he says, "Good. That's the man I'm looking for. I don't want someone hiding behind protocol. I want someone who knows what he wants and goes for it. I want you, Jensen. I know what you've done before and during your coaching years. I've been following you for a long time." He pauses. "We need fresh blood, Jensen. I know soccer is not the most liked sport in the US. But I think with you in our lines we can make it more popular."

"What are you saying, Jeff?"

"You're not dense, are you?" Jeff teases. "I want you to become head coach of the senior US team. I want you to lead us to a successful World Cup in Australia." Jensen's jaw drops at the bluntness of Jeff's words and Jeff chuckles. "So, your boyfriend, does he have a name?"

Jensen blinks at the sudden change of the topic. "Jared," he says slowly. "His name's Jared and you might know him."

He expects to see some surprise on Jeff's face but there's none. "I always knew you two had a special connection," is what he says. "So Jared would be fine with you being head coach?" Jensen nods dumbly. "Then the question is, what do you say, Jensen? Will you be fine being head coach?"

"What did you say?" 

Jensen shrugs. "That I'm gonna think about it."

Jared stares at him, not believing what he just heard. "You what? What's there to think about, Jen?"

"I don't know." He sighs. "It's a great responsibility, Jay. And I'm not sure I'm the right guy for the job."

"Jeff said he wants you," Jared argues. "Do you think he’d do that if he thought you were the wrong guy?"

"He expects a friggin' miracle, Jay." Jensen shakes his head. "I'm not Harry Potter, Jared. I can't perform magic."

Jared grabs his shoulders and makes Jensen look him right in the eye. "No, but you're a great coach. Just because Kripke couldn't see that doesn't mean it's not true. Jeff said he’s watched you for years." He lets out a deep breath. "Or is this about something else?"

"What?" Jensen asks confused. 

"Is this about us?" Jared asks and he hates how unsure he sounds. He wants to believe that Jensen's here to stay, that Jensen is completely committed to their relationship. But then he wouldn't consider not taking the job, right? If he had still been married to Danni, Jensen wouldn't question his abilities, would he? 

"What?" Jensen sounds shocked and a little bit hurt. "No. This is definitely not about us, Jay."

"I know how hard it is to come out, Jensen. And I get why you wouldn’t want to do it, especially with the job. We'll find a way around it."

Jensen shakes his head and chuckles a little. "You're pretty silly, y'know?" Jared frowns and opens his mouth to say something, but Jensen stops him with a finger against his lips. "I told Jeff about you. He doesn't care that I'm gay. I thought he maybe would but he doesn't."

"You told him?" Jared asks, feeling a little breathless. 

"I told him."

"You told him?" Jared asks again, having a hard time wrapping his head around Jensen coming out to his maybe-boss.

Jensen laughs. "You gone deaf?" He kisses Jared softly. "I told you I'm not gonna hide and I won't. If I take the job, I want people to know, even if it's really none of their business."

"Wow, this is… wow." Jared grins at him. "And what are you talking about 'if'? Of course you're gonna take the job."

"Jay…"

Jared cups Jensen's face between his hands. "You are amazing, Jen. And you can do amazing things. Nobody expects you to come back with the trophy. We know you can't perform miracles. But you can form a team that'll be more competitive than anything we've had in years."

"It'd mean that I'd be away a lot. You realize that, right?"

Jared nods. "But the national training center is in Carson, that's right around the corner. And while I'd miss you lots, I could live with your trips. You said that we'd talk about it and decide together if a job offer came up. You meant that?" Jensen nods quickly. "So, what does your heart say, do you want the job?"

"I want the job," Jensen says slowly, but there's no waver in his voice. 

"Then, what are you waiting for? Call Jeff."

Jensen crushes their lips together and Jared laughs against his mouth, wrapping his arms around Jensen's body. 

"Thank you, Jay. I need you now more than ever, you know that right?"

Jared smiles at him and kisses him gently. "I'm here. Not going anywhere."

Jared collects in the last of the final exams for his creative writing class and wishes his students happy holidays. Christmas is in a couple of weeks and Jared's really looking forward to it. Danneel and Riley are flying in and his parents are coming up too. 

It's also the first Christmas he's celebrated with Jensen as his boyfriend. 

His boyfriend. 

Even though it's been about three months now and it feels like much longer, sometimes it still hits him by surprise. It's a good surprise, though. A very good surprise. 

"Hey, Uncle Jay." 

Alex jumps on his desk and Jared just manages to save the piled up papers. He glares at her a little and she grins at him. "Oops, sorry."

"Oops?" Jared asks. "I wonder how you'd react if one of your final papers were in here."

Alex's grin falls away and she climbs off the desk. "Sorry. I just had my last final and I'm in a really good mood." She raises her eyebrows. "And it's the big day."

"The big day?" Jared asks. 

"Yes, Dad's interview as the new head coach. They're airing it tonight, right?"

"Right," Jared says, feeling a little bad for forgetting it for a minute. 

"You excited, nervous, curious?" Alex asks and Jared wonders if she’d maybe had a little too much sugar this morning. 

"It's just an interview, sweetheart," he says and leads her out of the classroom. "We’ve done hundreds of those back in the day."

"But it's a big deal." Alex pouts a little at Jared's seemingly lack of interest. "He's the head coach of our soccer team. That's so awesome."

Jared laughs. "It is great, honey. I get that you're proud, I'm proud too. Just don't expect too much from the interview. Most times it's just stupid clichéd questions." He pauses. "So, you wanna come over tonight, then? Watch the interview together?"

Alex grins at him. "Nope. Dad said he wanted to be alone with you."

Jared frowns. "Okay. That sounds mysterious."

"He's probably hoping to get laid," Alex says and winks. 

Jared chuckles. "Well, if he plays his cards right. We haven't really done it on the couch for a while."

Alex wrinkles her nose. "Ew, I really didn't need to know that."

"Hey, you started it." Jared nudges her shoulder. 

"But I could have done without the details." Alex shudders. "I gotta run, Uncle Jay. Sonya is waiting for me."

"Have fun tonight, sweetie. I'll see you this weekend. Call if you need any help."

"Will do." 

She waves and then she's around the corner and Jared's left to walk to his car in silence. 

Jensen's car is parked in his usual spot in Jared's driveway, and just that Jensen has a usual spot makes Jared's heart jump in his chest. 

Sadie greets him excitedly when he unlocks the front door. He pets her and then calls out for Jensen. 

"Honey, I'm home."

Jensen sticks his head out of the kitchen and rolls his eyes. "That's wonderful, darlin'. Why don't you sit down, the takeout pizza is almost ready."

Jared snorts, but kicks off his shoes and goes upstairs to change into something more comfortable than his jeans. His knee gives off a little twinge and Jared rubs it absently, hoping to convince Jensen to give him a massage later. 

Jensen's waiting on the couch for him. The pizza and two beers are on the coffee table and Jared drops down, pulling Jensen into a passionate kiss. They make out for a few minutes before the grumbling of Jared's stomach disturbs them. 

"Eat," Jensen laughs. 

Jared bites into a slice of the sausage pepperoni pizza and moans at the taste that explodes on his tongue. "Hmm, that's good."

Jensen looks at him amusedly. "Glad you approve."

"Alex came by; said you didn't want her to come by for the interview," Jared says casually. "She thinks you're hoping to get laid."

Jensen chokes a little on his beer and Jared laughs loudly, slapping Jensen's back a little to help. When Jensen has calmed down again, Jared asks, "You hoping to get laid, Jen? Huh?"

Jensen chuckles and shakes his head. "I always hope to get laid by you."

Jared puts his beer away and pulls on Jensen's legs, until he's laid out on the couch completely. "Why didn't you just say so?" He asks, wriggling his eyebrows, making Jensen laugh again. 

Jensen reaches out to him and Jared lets himself be pulled down, resting in between Jensen's legs with their crotches aligned. Jensen's hard in his pants and Jared smirks. 

"Someone's excited."

"Always," Jensen replies seriously. "How about you do something about it, Jay?"

He leans down and kisses Jensen quick and dirty. "Always," he whispers against Jensen's lips and then makes his way down. 

He sucks Jensen right there on the couch, with a spit slick finger pushed into him. Jensen comes in record time and before Jared knows what's going on, Jensen's above him, stretching himself open using his own come, before sinking down on Jared's dick. He rides him hard and Jared's so happy that they agreed to get tested a few weeks ago. It makes things so much easier. Messier too, though. But Jared couldn't care less. 

Later, they're lying next to each other on the couch, Jared with his back to the back and Jensen's pressed against his chest. And while Jared's really proud of Jensen, he could care less about the interview. He's heard those things a million times. He'd rather Jensen put his dick to good use on him. But Jensen's adamant about it, so Jared turns on the TV and watches. 

TV-Jensen looks good with his light blue button down and slacks. Very good indeed. Jared leans down and nibbles at his Jensen's earlobe. 

"You're so gorgeous," he whispers and Jensen smiles. 

"Listen, Jay."

"But you're distracting."

"Please." Jensen's voice is soft and serious, and Jared frowns a little, wondering why Jensen’s taking this interview so seriously. 

"Fine." He fakes a pout. "I’ll listen."

"Thank you," Jensen says and presses a kiss to his chin. 

Onscreen-Jensen talks about how much he appreciates the trust that's being put in him, but that it’s a hard task. He'll do his best, though, as he doesn't want to disappoint anyone. It's the next question that really catches Jared's attention. 

"What about your family, Jensen? They must be so proud of you."

Onscreen-Jensen nods seriously. "They are. My daughter is really excited and my ex-wife called me from New York to tell me how proud she is."

"You still have a close relationship with her?"

Jensen nods. "Yeah, she's one of my best friends and a wonderful mother to our daughter." He pauses. "My biggest supporter is my boyfriend, though. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here."

Jared blinks and pushes up onto his elbow. Did Jensen just… did he just come out on national television?

"Your boyfriend?"

"Yeah. For now." Jensen nods. "I hope he'll marry me one day, though."

The reporter does look a little shocked, but then a smile spreads over her face. "I'm sure he will. How could he not? You’re the head coach of our US team."

Onscreen-Jensen laughs a little. "A real catch."

The Jensen in the living room turns the volume down and turns to look at Jared. "Jay, say something?"

Jared shakes his head. "Did you just come out on national television?"

Jensen shrugs sheepishly. "I guess I did. Are you mad?"

Jared blinks and looks down at Jensen. "Mad? What? No. I'm in awe. You just came out to the whole world."

"I told you I don't want to hide."

"I know," Jared says slowly. "I just… I guess I didn't really believe it." He pauses, while his brain catches on to something. "And did you just say you wanna marry me?"

Jensen smiles. "Yeah. Glad you heard that too." He kisses Jared's fingertips. "It doesn't have to be anytime soon, y'know. It's just something I’ve thought about."

"Just something you’ve thought about?"

Jensen nods. "Yeah, and I hope that when the time comes you'll say 'yes'."

"Yes," Jared says and crushes their lips together in a bruising kiss. When they part for breath, he adds, "I love you."

"Good thing I love you too then," Jensen says and laughs. 

They both get laid that night and sleep is totally overrated anyway. 

Jared's at the sidelines, hollering out to the field. "Chad, go!" He motions to the goal on the other side of the field and the six-year-old stares at him with wide eyes. "Go!" Then he starts to run. It doesn't end in a goal, but at least Chad started running instead of just standing on the field. That's definitely a win for Jared. 

Jared's been coaching the six-to-eight-year-olds for two years now and he loves it. He never thought he'd love standing at the sidelines as much as playing himself. But he does. It's a pleasure to see the boys and girls learning something new. And at this age it's not about winning, it's about having fun. 

The game is over and Jared says goodbye to the parents who came to watch. Today is not the day he can hang around with his team. 

Today Jensen's coming home from Australia. And they planned a 'Welcome Home'-party for him. 

The US team did well over the course of the World Cup; only losing to Germany in the semi-finals. After the embarrassment that was 2021 and the qualification for the last World Cup, nobody really believed they could do it, but Jensen worked hard for it, very hard. 

Jared gets home only to find Danni and Sandy in the kitchen of his and Jensen's home. They bought it after deciding that they'd need something that is all them, without memories of times spent alone. It's a two-storey, situated directly at the beach, with its own staircase leading down to the ocean. They both had seen it and fell in love. Now they've been living here for three years. 

Danneel and Riley moved to LA last year after Riley got a restoration job at one of the best companies in the US. Jared thinks it's nice to have them this close and they mingle well with Sandy and Jordan. 

"Pop, there you are." Alex makes her way inside, carrying Julie, Sandy's three-year-old, on her hip. She’d started calling him 'Pop' after Jensen officially proposed to him and Jared can't really say he minds. "How was the game?" 

"We lost by 1. But it's okay. Chad ran across the whole field."

"Wow, he must have been in shock after," Alex jokes. 

"Riley and Jordan are outside, Jay," Danni says. "Go and check if the grill is ready, please."

Jared rolls his eyes. Are they really kicking him out of his own kitchen? But maybe he shouldn't really complain. He makes his way out onto the back deck that's looking out over the ocean and finds Jordan, Riley and Kyle, Alex's boyfriend of two years, in the corner that holds the grill. 

"Hey, I'm supposed to check if you're ready."

"More than ready. When's Jensen gonna be here?" Jordan asks. 

"His flight landed a few minutes ago, but I'm sure they’ll have to sign a lot of autographs before they're able to make their way outside." 

Jared had offered to pick Jensen up, but in the end they decided to leave the welcoming at the airport to the fans and that Jensen would take a cab. It gives Jared the time to get the finishing touches for their party done. 

He walks into the hallway and finds that the guys must have already put both banners up, because they're stretching across the room. One says 'Welcome Home', the other 'Congrats, Semi-Finalist'. 

It takes Jensen another one-and-a-half-hours before he gets home and Jared can pull him into a tight hug. They kiss deeply to make up for seven weeks of nothing but phone calls and they probably wouldn't have stopped if their friends weren't pulling them apart. 

"You can do that when we're gone," Danni says, laughing. "Now, we eat and Jensen can tell us all about his time Down Under."

They do eat and Jensen does tell them about the World Cup and his time in Australia, but Jared barely hears anything. Jared is too distracted by the tanned skin on Jensen's forearms and his blinding smile. 

It's dark when their friends finally leave and Jared wraps his arms around Jensen's chest, while they're standing at the railing of their back deck, taking in the view of the ocean. 

"I've missed you," he whispers. 

Jensen hums. "I've missed you too. Wish you could have gone with me."

"Now we have like three months where you only need to leave for a night or two," Jared says and Jensen chuckles. 

"Pure luxury."

"How about you take me to bed and show me how much you missed me?" Jared asks, his voice dropping low. 

Jensen links their fingers and presses a kiss to the one that carries their wedding ring. "I'd say that's a very good idea, my insanely hot husband." Their lips meet in a sweet kiss. "It's so good to be home."

Jared full-heartedly agrees. 

__

~The End~


End file.
